10/29/2026
🐷💜 PIGGY SPA DAY CONFESSIONS: ARE WE STILL TOGETHER?! 💜🐷
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW BEING A MINI PIG HOOF TRIMMER IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE BEING IN 1,300 TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AT THE SAME DAMN TIME?! 💀🤣
Because apparently, somewhere between trimming hooves, dodging flying pigs, and driving across the United States, I became everybody’s emotionally unavailable boyfriend.
And some of y’all are READY TO FIGHT FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP. 😂
It starts innocent enough.
“Hey Jessica! Just checking when you’ll be in Tennessee!”
Then 14 minutes later…
“Did you get my message?”
Then…
“Hello???”
Then…
“I saw you posted on Facebook, so I know you’re on your phone.”
WELL, DAMN, SUSAN. ARE WE DATING OR ARE YOU TRYING TO GET PICKLES’ TOENAILS CUT?! 😭🤣
YES, I POSTED ON FACEBOOK.
THAT S**T WAS SCHEDULED THREE DAYS AGO.
Meanwhile, I’m somewhere in the mountains of Tennessee, Kevin’s wrestling a 250-pound potbellied terrorist named Princess Buttercup, Eric’s trying to figure out why the GPS just sent us down a road that looks like the opening scene of a horror movie, and my phone is having a full-blown emotional breakdown in the cupholder.
But apparently, because Facebook posted a picture of a pig, I’VE BEEN CAUGHT CHEATING. 💀
“Well, you had time to post, but not answer me?”
MA’AM, FACEBOOK HAS A SCHEDULING FEATURE.
I DO NOT HAVE A CLONE.
AND EVEN IF I DID, THAT BITCH WOULD’VE QUIT BY WEDNESDAY. 🤣
Then there’s the relationship interrogation.
“Are you still coming?”
YES.
“Are you sure?”
YES.
“Because I haven’t heard from you.”
YOUR APPOINTMENT IS IN THREE WEEKS, LINDA.
WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO EXCHANGE GOOD MORNING TEXTS UNTIL THEN. 😭
I don’t need to send you a little heart every morning that says:
“Good morning, beautiful. Thinking about you and Mr. Wiggles. Can’t wait to touch his feet. 💋”
THAT’S WEIRD.
WE’RE A HOOF TRIMMING COMPANY, NOT FARMERS ONLY DOT COM. 💀🤣
And GOD FORBID we post that we’re in another state.
“You’re in Georgia?! I thought you were coming to see us in North Carolina!”
YES, KAREN.
THAT’S HOW ROADS WORK.
WE HAVE TO DRIVE THROUGH OTHER STATES TO GET TO YOUR HOUSE.
I DIDN’T LEAVE YOU FOR GEORGIA.
GEORGIA WAS JUST A STOP ALONG THE WAY.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE THIS A LOVE TRIANGLE. 😭😂
Then somebody sees another pig on our page.
“Who’s that pig?”
A CUSTOMER.
“Well, I’ve never seen him before.”
BECAUSE HE LIVES IN OKLAHOMA, BRENDA.
“Well, you look pretty happy holding him.”
OH MY GOD.
HE PAID $175 FOR A HOOF TRIM.
WE ARE NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR. 💀💀💀
And then there’s Kevin and Eric.
Those poor bastards.
They’re out there doing the actual trimming while my phone is blowing up like I’m a contestant on some reality dating show.
“Can I just talk to Kevin?”
NO, KEVIN IS CURRENTLY BEING KICKED IN THE CHEST BY A PIG NAMED CUPCAKE.
“Well, what about Eric?”
ERIC IS TRYING TO KEEP CUPCAKE FROM ESCAPING WHILE KEVIN RECONSIDERS EVERY LIFE DECISION THAT LED HIM HERE.
“Well, can you have them call me?”
ABOUT WHAT?!
“Just wanted to see when y’all are coming.”
MA’AM, THE APPOINTMENT LOCATOR IS LITERALLY ON OUR WEBSITE.
IT KNOWS MORE ABOUT OUR SCHEDULE THAN MY OWN FAMILY DOES. 🤣
And don’t even get me started on the people who message Kevin, Eric, the business page, my personal Facebook, and then send a text.
SAME QUESTION.
FIVE DIFFERENT PLACES.
BABY, THAT’S NOT FOLLOWING UP.
THAT’S A FULL-BLOWN INVESTIGATION.
YOU’RE ONE STEP AWAY FROM PUTTING AN AIRTAG ON OUR TRAILER. 💀
Then there’s the breakup threats.
“Well, if you can’t answer me, maybe I’ll just find someone else.”
OKAY, BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START OVER?
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO SOME STRANGER THAT YOUR 180-POUND PIG NAMED SWEET PEA SCREAMS LIKE A WOMAN BEING ABDUCTED AND WILL S**T ON YOU IF YOU TOUCH HER BACK FEET.
WE ALREADY KNOW HER BAGGAGE.
WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THINGS TOGETHER. 😭🤣
And listen, sometimes I DO read a message.
I answer it.
In my head.
With a very detailed response.
Then three days later I realize I NEVER ACTUALLY SENT THE DAMN THING.
APPARENTLY, MY BRAIN HAS ITS OWN CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT AND NONE OF THOSE EMPLOYEES HAVE ACCESS TO THE SEND BUTTON. 💀
But here’s what I need y’all to understand.
We travel across the country.
We trim thousands of hooves.
We deal with screaming pigs, flying p**p, muddy backyards, questionable directions, and animals whose owners SWEAR they’re friendly right before they try to remove Kevin’s kneecap.
Sometimes I’m driving.
Sometimes I’m working.
Sometimes I’m eating gas station cheese for dinner while trying to remember what state I’m in.
And SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I’D LIKE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT SOMEONE ASKING IF WE’RE STILL TOGETHER. 🤣
YES, WE’RE STILL TOGETHER.
We’re still coming.
We still love your spoiled, dramatic, overweight little bacon-flavored toddlers.
And yes, we’ll answer your messages.
But please give us a little time before you start accusing us of abandoning the relationship.
Because I swear to God, the next person who says, “I saw you were active on Facebook,” is getting a relationship counseling invoice added to their hoof trim. 💀😂
And if you REALLY need reassurance, just remember…
WE TRIM HOOVES. THEY FILE COMPLAINTS.
Apparently, their owners file emotional damage reports. 🐷💜
Love,
Jessica & the emotionally exhausted men of Piggy Spa Day
P.S. This is COMEDY. If you read this and immediately thought, “I wonder if she’s talking about me,” congratulations, you’ve officially entered the toxic relationship phase. 🤣
P.P.S. If you message me asking whether this post was about you, I’m telling Kevin we’re getting a restraining order and putting Mr. Wiggles in the custody agreement.
You can have him every other weekend. 💀🐷
