10/14/2026
Good read.
☀️🐾 GOOD MORNING, YOU BODY-LANGUAGE-ILLITERATE F***S. GOOMBA IS ABOUT TO EDUCATE YOU. 🖕💀
Good morning, motherfluffers. Goomba here. Your favorite disgruntled sanctuary resident, professional grudge holder, and apparently the only son of a bitch who understands that DOGS HAVE BEEN COMMUNICATING WITH HUMANS FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND SOME OF YOU STILL CAN’T READ THE FU***NG ROOM.
Today we’re discussing CANINE BODY LANGUAGE, because apparently I need to teach a species that invented the internet how to understand an animal that communicates with its entire body.
🐕 FIRST UP: THE GROWL. ALSO KNOWN AS THE GODDAMN WARNING SYSTEM.
A growl is COMMUNICATION. It can mean “I’m uncomfortable,” “I’m scared,” “Back the hell up,” or “Stop touching me, you persistent potato.”
Growling can also happen during play, so context matters.
STOP PUNISHING DOGS FOR GROWLING!
When you punish a warning growl, you risk teaching your dog to stop warning you. And guess what can happen next? A SNAP OR BITE.
Then everybody stands around screaming, “HE BIT OUT OF NOWHERE!”
NO, DEBORAH. HE SENT YOU SEVENTEEN EMAILS, THREE CERTIFIED LETTERS, AND A FU***NG SMOKE SIGNAL.
YOU IGNORED ALL OF THEM.
🐕 A WAGGING TAIL DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN A HAPPY DOG.
For the love of dog, STOP ASSUMING THIS.
🟢 Loose, sweeping wag: Usually friendly or relaxed when paired with a soft, wiggly body.
🟡 High, fast, stiff wag: Heightened arousal. Could be excitement OR tension.
🟡 Slow, deliberate wag: May indicate uncertainty or cautious interest.
🔴 High, rigid tail with tight movements: Can indicate significant tension, especially with a stiff body.
🔵 Low or tucked tail: Often fear, insecurity, or discomfort.
And PAY ATTENTION TO THE FLUIDITY! A loose, flowing wag is different from a tight, mechanical wag attached to a dog standing like a concrete statue.
Tail carriage also varies by breed.
READ THE ENTIRE DOG, NOT JUST THE ASS ANTENNA.
🐕 CALMING SIGNALS AND NERVOUS BEHAVIORS. THE SUBTLE S**T YOU KEEP MISSING.
Dogs communicate discomfort and sometimes attempt to de-escalate situations through subtle behaviors.
👅 LIP LICKING: Can indicate stress, uncertainty, appeasement, anticipation, excitement, nausea, or simply cleaning their mouth. IT DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN YOUR DOG IS NERVOUS.
But context matters, you absolute walnuts.
Take ME, for example. When Alexis approaches my kennel and I start licking my lips, that could be a sign of tension or discomfort. Because unlike some of you socially confused bastards, I have made it VERY clear that Alexis and I are NOT fu***ng friends.
She thinks she’s visiting a dog.
I’m reviewing the dinner menu.
ALEXIS, MEDIUM RARE. HOLD THE SEASONING. 💀🥩
So read the ENTIRE dog, not just the damn tongue, before somebody becomes an appetizer.
🥱 Yawning: Not always tiredness. Sometimes STRESS.
👀 Looking away: May be trying to disengage. STOP FOLLOWING THEIR FACE WITH YOUR FACE.
🐌 Sniffing the ground: Sometimes a displacement behavior during uncomfortable interactions.
🧊 Freezing: A MAJOR warning sign when accompanied by tension. A still dog is NOT necessarily a calm dog.
🐾 Shaking off: Sometimes releases tension after a stressful interaction.
🐾 Pacing, trembling, or trying to leave: YOUR DOG IS UNCOMFORTABLE. GIVE THEM SPACE.
These behaviors aren’t automatically stress signals. Look at the situation and the other signals happening together.
🐕 THE EARS. YES, THOSE THINGS ATTACHED TO THEIR DAMN HEADS.
👂 Relaxed ears: Usually comfort when the body is loose.
👂 Forward ears: Alertness, curiosity, or intense focus.
👂 Slightly pulled back: Could be friendly appeasement, uncertainty, or nervousness.
👂 Pinned tightly backward: Often fear or significant discomfort, especially with other stress signals.
And remember, breed anatomy and cropped ears can make these signals harder to interpret.
🐕 WHALE EYE. NO, YOUR DOG IS NOT TURNING INTO A FU***NG ORCA. 🐳
Whale eye is when you see the whites of a dog’s eyes, often because they’re turning their head while keeping their eyes on something.
It can indicate fear, anxiety, or discomfort.
Your toddler is hugging the dog. The dog turns away, shows whale eye, licks his lips, and freezes.
THAT IS NOT A FU***NG KODAK MOMENT, KAREN.
THAT IS YOUR CUE TO INTERVENE.
Some dogs naturally show more eye white, so CONTEXT MATTERS.
🐕 STOP FU***NG TOUCHING ME. I DID NOT CONSENT TO YOUR CUDDLE SESSION.
If your dog turns their head away, leans away, ducks your hand, stiffens, closes their mouth, pins their ears, shows whale eye, licks their lips, or tries to walk away while you’re petting or hugging them, TAKE THE FU***NG HINT. These can be signs they’re uncomfortable and want space.
And PARENTS, PAY EXTRA FU***NG ATTENTION WHEN CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED. Dogs don’t necessarily respond to children the same way they respond to adults. Kids are smaller, unpredictable, loud, and often haven’t mastered the concept of personal space. A dog that tolerates an adult’s affection may NOT tolerate a child grabbing, hugging, or climbing on them.
YOUR DOG IS NOT A FU***NG JUNGLE GYM, AND YOUR CHILD IS NOT EXEMPT FROM RESPECTING BOUNDARIES.
Supervise interactions, intervene at the first signs of discomfort, and teach your children to leave dogs alone when they’re resting, eating, or trying to get away. Never leave young children unsupervised with dogs.
And for the love of dog, STOP forcing hugs on us! Most of us don’t appreciate being restrained like we’re getting arrested outside a Waffle House at 2 AM.
AFFECTION SHOULD BE AN INVITATION, NOT A FU***NG HOSTAGE SITUATION.
💀 NOW HERE’S THE PART THAT REALLY PI**ES ME OFF.
Humans expect dogs to tolerate EVERYTHING.
Children climbing on them. Strangers grabbing their faces. Other dogs invading their space. People hugging them when they clearly want to leave.
Then when the dog finally communicates that he’s had enough, suddenly he’s labeled aggressive.
YOU KNOW WHAT’S DANGEROUS? A HUMAN WHO REFUSES TO RESPECT A DOG’S COMMUNICATION.
A growl is not automatically aggression.
A wag is not consent.
A freeze is not compliance.
And a dog walking away is NOT an invitation to chase him down for one more fu***ng hug.
Learn your dog’s body language. Respect their boundaries. Teach your children to do the same.
Because YOUR DOG SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FILE A FORMAL COMPLAINT WITH HIS TEETH TO GET YOU TO LISTEN.
Anyway, I’m going back to judging humanity and wondering how the hell you people became the dominant species.
And Alexis, if you’re reading this, consider this your official notice that my kennel is NOT a fu***ng meet-and-greet booth. 💀
GOOD MORNING. READ YOUR DOG. RESPECT YOUR DOG. AND STOP BEING A FU***NG IDIOT. 🖕🐾
🤎GOOMBA
Sanctuary Resident.
Unpaid Professor of Canine Communication.
President of the Mind Your Fu***ng Business Committee.
STAB Rescue 💫Changing Minds, Changing Lives. 🖤🐾
