04/25/2026
When Trust Feels Logical to Withhold😕
Trust sounds simple, until it isn’t.
When it has been broken, whether through life, relationships, or an experience with a horse that genuinely frightened you, it does not just disappear. It reshapes how you think, what you notice, and how you respond. The memory of pain, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, does not sit quietly in the background. It actively informs your decisions.
As Brené Brown explains, when vulnerability has led to pain, people do not just become cautious. They protect themselves. They armour up.
And the important part is this.
That armour feels logical.
It feels responsible. It feels like you are doing the right thing by staying alert, by staying in control, by making sure nothing catches you off guard again.
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💡Why It Is So Hard to Recognise
This is where it becomes difficult, because it does not feel like fear.
It feels like good thinking.
It sounds like responsibility.
It shows up as wanting to be prepared, wanting to be safe, wanting to make sure things do not go wrong. But underneath that is something much harder to sit with. There is uncertainty. There is vulnerability. There is the awareness that things can go wrong and that you might not be able to control it.
So instead of sitting with that, the mind tries to solve it.
It tests. It scans. It looks for problems before they happen.
And in doing so, it creates a sense of control.
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💡How This Becomes Destructive With Horses (and People)
This way of thinking does not stay contained within you. It directly shapes what the horse experiences.
When you approach your horse with this mindset, you are often putting them in situations to “see what they will do.” You are watching for signs of worry. You are ready to correct the moment something looks uncertain.
From your perspective, this feels like diligence.
From the horse’s perspective, it feels very different.
It feels like being set up.
The horse is placed into a situation they are not yet confident in, and when they hesitate, they are corrected for it. Over time, the horse learns that being with you means being taken into situations where they feel unsure, pressured, and at risk of getting it wrong.
That does not build trust.
It does the opposite.
Just like in human relationships, armour might feel protective, but it prevents connection. It stops trust from forming because it keeps both parties guarded and reactive. It limits the very thing you are trying to create.
A horse does not feel safe following someone who is constantly testing and correcting them. They feel cautious. They feel uncertain. They begin to anticipate conflict.
And a horse that anticipates conflict cannot relax into partnership.
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💡A Story That Illustrates It Clearly
I once worked with a rider who was frustrated with her young horse. She explained that every ride seemed to turn into dealing with him worrying about something in the environment. She felt like she was constantly managing his reactions.
Then I watched her ride.
She got on and went straight to the far end of the arena, the most enclosed, heavily bushed area, and asked the horse to walk right up along the fence. When he hesitated and baulked, she immediately increased the pressure. He was worked harder and then made to stand and rest in that exact spot.
She was frustrated and told me this was his issue. I understand that thinking, because I used to see things this way too.
But at this point in my life, I saw something different.
I did not see a horse creating a problem. I saw a rider creating a situation where a problem was almost guaranteed.
Every ride, the horse was being taken directly to something challenging and then corrected for struggling with it. It is no surprise that he became more reactive over time. He had learned that being ridden meant being taken into conflict.
Her logic was that the horse needed to get used to the environment.
My logic was that the horse needed to learn to get with the rider.
Getting a horse “with you” is not an abstract idea. It is something you build deliberately. It comes from organising their attention, creating clarity, and giving them something meaningful to follow.
Before anything else, I would be focused on that. I would be directing the horse, building rhythm and focus, and helping him feel organised and secure, rather than searching for something to challenge.
Because a horse that is with you experiences the world very differently to a horse that feels exposed within it.
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💡Recognising the Flawed Logic
This is where the shift has to happen.
The pattern of testing feels logical, especially when trust feels unsafe. But it is flawed.
It creates the very evidence it is trying to avoid.
You start to see the horse hesitate, react, or become distracted, and it reinforces the belief that the horse cannot be trusted. But the process itself has contributed to that outcome.
This is not about blame.
It is about recognising cause and effect.
And recognising it in yourself is not easy. It requires honesty, because it asks you to question something that has felt protective and sensible for a long time.
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💡A Different Way of Thinking
One of the greatest lessons I have had to learn, and continue to remind myself of, is that armouring up will deny you what you are trying to achieve.
It feels like protection, but it blocks connection. It limits trust. It keeps you focused on what might go wrong instead of what you are actively creating.
With horses, and with people, trust is not built by testing.
It is built by consistency, clarity, and the experience of being guided well.
With horses, that means becoming someone who can direct them, organise them, and lead them through the world in a way that makes sense to them.
With people, it means being someone who listens, responds appropriately, and creates an environment where it is safe to engage without fear of being caught out or shut down.
That requires a shift in focus.
You start paying attention to what you are doing, where you are riding, and how you are setting things up. You focus on giving the horse something to follow and building their confidence through clarity and direction.
You also commit to developing your own skill. Your seat, your balance, your timing, and your ability to respond to the horse’s movement all matter.
Because risk is not removed by control.
It is mitigated by preparation, awareness, and capability.
And importantly, by gathering evidence of your ability to lead your horse through the world.
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💡The Real Work
This is the work.
Recognising the pattern in yourself.
Seeing the logic that has driven your behaviour, and being willing to question it.
Shifting your focus from testing to guiding.
From controlling to directing.
From protecting yourself from what might happen to actively shaping what does happen.
This is not easy, but it is where real change happens.
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A Quiet Note
This way of thinking and working with horses is something I spend a lot of time helping people develop in a practical, grounded way. It is one thing to understand it, and another to actually apply it.
I have a couple of workshops left this year where we work through this in detail, as well as clinics where you can see it in action. I will pop the details in the comments for anyone who is interested.
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IMAGE: 📸Image by Jean's Photography
