12/02/2025
The Day the Good Breeders Vanished
One morning, the responsible rabbit breeders of the world woke up, looked around, and said, “You know what? We're done. Y'all clearly don't want us here. Good luck!". And just like that, p**f, they disappeared.
At first, the internet rejoiced.
"Victory! Adopt don't shop forever!" TikTok’s were made in celebration. A rescue somewhere popped a bottle of carrot juice.
But then... things got weird.
Pet stores ran out of rabbits in 48 hours. So they started importing them from "some guy's cousin" who breeds in a shed behind a gas station. “They're purebred," he said. "See? They're all white”. No one could identify colors. Someone bred a Vienna to a broken and called the babies "moldy marshmallow pearl”. A woman in Ohio started a line of Teacup Flemish Giants, they're just regular kits, but she swears they stay small if you believe hard enough!
Rabbit health took a nosedive.
Someone tried to treat Gl stasis with essential oils and a prayer circle. Nobody was breeding for health anymore, just for TikTok virality, and whether the rabbit's ears matched their owner's aesthetic. By spring, half the rabbits had mysterious food sensitivities, seasonal depression, and a genetic predisposition to faint if someone opened a bag of lettuce too loudly. One line developed a spontaneous sneeze reflex triggered by eye contact.
Meanwhile, the good breeders?
They were sipping coffee in peace, watching the whole thing unfold like
"Remember when we offered mentorship, and lifelong support?”
And the rabbits?
Well... they deserved better.
Instead, they got mystery mixes with the immune systems of overripe bananas and temperaments that ranged from "feral gremlin" to "Victorian fainting goat."
Moral of the story.
If you chase out the people doing it right, you don't get fewer breeders. You get worse breeders. You get rabbits who sneeze when you say the word 'parsley'. You get "rare" colors that look suspiciously like hay stains and regret.
But wait, Adopt Don't Shop became bored.
The good breeders were gone, the TikToks had peaked, and the carrot juice was flat.
They needed a new cause. A new villain. A new dopamine hit. So the champagne was repurposed. The new mission? End breeding entirely. Everywhere. Forever.
They launched a campaign featuring moody black and white photos of rabbits staring into the distance. They tried to get a bill passed that would classify intact rabbits as "emotionally hazardous materials." One influencer declared, “If we just stop all breeding for 10 years, the overpopulation crisis will fix itself." When asked what would happen after that, she blinked and said, “Well... I guess we'll cross that bridge when there are no rabbits left."
Meanwhile, the rabbits, those that hadn't developed gluten intolerance or spontaneous molting syndrome huddled in their hay piles, wondering what they did to deserve this timeline.
And somewhere, far away, a good breeder looked up from their coffee and whispered,
“Told you."
