10/27/2026
It's been a while since I've offered the public my professional advice, and apparently some of you have been making terrible decisions without consulting me. My dad has agreed to bring back Ask Harry Manilow, although Dad suggested I stick to questions about pet nutrition and the occasional itchy backside.
That sounds absolutely miserable. I've decided to expand my services to include marital disasters, questionable relatives, neighborhood scandals, embarrassing pet problems, and whatever other nonsense you've managed to get yourselves into.
For those unfamiliar with my advice column, here's what you can expect.
Dear Harry, my husband's secretary keeps calling him her "work husband," and last week she accidentally sent him a bikini picture. Should I worry?
Sweetheart, send her a picture of his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor and ask if she'd like to start doing his laundry. If she wants the husband experience, she might as well get the entire package. And find out whether his company offers dental insurance for work wives.
Dear Harry, our gardener Dan insists on mowing the lawn shirtless, and now my wife watches him through the window every Saturday. What should I do?
First, give me Dan's number because our landscaping looks like hell. Second, your wife hasn't suddenly developed an interest in horticulture. Buy her binoculars and stop pretending she's concerned about the sprinkler system. If Dan starts trimming the hedges in a Speedo, cancel your golf plans.
Dear Harry, my dog keeps dragging my underwear into the living room whenever we have company. Last Sunday he presented my mother-in-law with my husband's leopard-print briefs. How do I stop him?
WHY WOULD YOU? That dog is providing quality entertainment. I'd be considerably more concerned about why your mother-in-law recognized the underwear. Give that dog a raise and let him select the entertainment for Thanksgiving.
Dear Harry, my husband has been secretly texting someone named Cinnamon, and he claims she's his personal trainer. Should I believe him?
Absolutely. Cinnamon sounds very dedicated, especially considering she's available at 1:30 in the morning. Ask whether Nutmeg and Paprika are also on the training staff. I'd also like to know why a man who gets winded carrying groceries suddenly requires private cardio sessions.
Dear Harry, my wife bought our Chihuahua a designer wardrobe, a stroller, and a heated bed that costs more than our mattress. Yesterday she told me to sleep on the couch because the dog needed more room. What should I do?
Start looking for an apartment. Not for the Chihuahua, for you. That dog owns the house now, and you're essentially the maintenance man with refrigerator privileges. If you behave yourself, perhaps she'll let you sleep in the stroller.
Now it's your turn! I want the most outrageous, ridiculous, completely inappropriate questions you can dream up. They can be about pets, relationships, family disasters, embarrassing situations, or something so spectacularly absurd that your grandmother would need to sit down after reading it.
Leave your questions in the comments or send them privately. They don't even have to be real. I'll be choosing my favorites to answer, and I can assure you my advice will be worth exactly what you're paying for it.
Dad has already asked me to establish some boundaries. I reminded him that he was responsible for raising me, so whatever happens next is a direct reflection of his parenting.
Besides, if he wanted a dog with good judgment, he probably shouldn't have named me Harry Manilow.
Love,
Harry Manilow 🐾
