05/18/2022
I didn’t grow up with a lot of pets around because I’m first generation Nigerian American and Nigerian moms don’t do animals. In our culture, animals belong outside. So naturally, when I became an adult I became an amateur zookeeper and invite all manner of mammals to reside in my dwelling.
When my mom visits, I take a great joy watching her physically recoil as one of my animals gets too close to her. She’ll be visiting again soon and has yet to meet our two newest additions, a pair of Guinea pigs that I will place on her lap as soon as she sits down (it’s the little things in life).
I love most animals but while I have two cats, I have to say we don’t really have a relationship, it’s more of an agreement. It’s an agreement they violate often but I can’t do anything about at this point because unlike dogs, cats really don’t care how you feel about them.
Despite their problematic attitude, I do find cats very interesting and have decided to write a guide for those of you considering acquiring one of these small beasts.
How to Know if You Should Get a Cat
1. You like being disrespected
If you want a cat, on some level you have to either love or feel amused by being regularly disrespected. Cats don’t operate by the regular give and take of relationships. They are inconsiderate by nature. Cat people, don’t get mad, we have to start being more honest with the outside world.
A cat will know something bothers you or is wrong and do it while maintaining eye contact. They’re like toddlers but more elegant.
For instance, if a cat sees that you have a particular attachment to something they might p*e on it. Why? To let you know they’re not worried about you or the future.
Cats have very high expectations for living and will let you know when you’ve violated their sensibilities. If their litter hasn’t been cleaned in the last 14 minutes, they’ll go adjacent to the box, for example as a message to you.
Cat urine is one of the most potent biological weapons science has discovered and they will not hesitate to use it. One of mine did this when I switched to a diet brand of cat food. I switched it back and he stopped. Communication.
2. You like surprise barf
When you have a cat you get to play a 24/7 game of Surprise Vomit. Could be fresh, could be old, you could step on it at 5:45am on the way to the bathroom in your socks…you never know, that’s the surprise.
Throwing up for cats isn’t a big deal. It’s how they autograph their living environment. “I stay here.” Don’t try to figure it out just stock up on the paper towel.
Oh, they like to watch you clean it, too.
3. You don’t mind occasional violence
Dogs enjoy attention. They want to be rubbed, pet, played with constantly, etc.
If you pet a cat for .2 seconds longer than they’re comfortable with, they’ll bite you. First a small warning usually, then an all out clamp down by the flesh slicers.
Inside of their paws, cats conceal 15-28 switch blades always sharpened to a razor’s edge and they are reckless with them.
A cat doesn’t think, “This person takes care of me, maybe I shouldn’t draw blood.”
A cat will be sitting in your lap, hear a loud noise from across the street and *fight mode activated* perforate your thighs through jeans trying to escape.
Just something to think about.
4. You like waking up early
Cats like to eat in the am between 4:45 and 4:47am. They’ll let you know by meowing loudly for as long as it takes. You can yell, hiss, throw shoes, beg and call the police on them but nothing will change and the police won’t even take a statement.
5. Cats are nocturnal
Cats like to sleep much of the day in preparation for living room parkour between the hours of midnight at 3am. If you have more than one, those will also be their Fight Club hours.
6. They like to break rules
I have spent $400 in devices, sprays, and gadgets trying to keep my cats off of the counters. Aluminum foil. Plastic netting designed for birds. It’s embarrassing to admit you’re losing a battle to a one pound animal but being regularly bested in your own home is part of owning a cat.
You have to like the dance.
7. They are inexplicably endearing
Something about living with an animal that you know would 100% take your life in a moment of anger if they could physically manage it but also is so soft to pet, is enjoyable. There has to be something a little off inside of you if you Iike this combination in a pet but for most of us, it’s too late to get help.
Enjoy your kitty friend. I would like to see a photo and know their name, age and last time they hurt you/your home if possible.
Love,
Bunmi 🐈 🧡
