05/15/2026
It was a quiet Tuesday evening in the kingdom of Couch Cushion, when Lord Chonksworth III — the most powerful, most rotund, most unbothered bearded dragon in all the land — settled into his royal throne (the left corner of a grey sectional sofa) and waited for his dinner.
His human — a devoted, well-meaning, slightly naive creature — had spent the entire afternoon at the farmer's market. Cherry tomatoes. Fresh lettuce. Shredded carrots. Purple cabbage. She had washed every leaf individually. She had arranged them in a bowl like a Renaissance painting. She was proud. She was excited. She whispered "he's going to love this" to herself in the kitchen.
She was wrong.
Lord Chonksworth watched her approach with the salad bowl. His eyes narrowed. His beard darkened slightly. He sniffed the air once — detected zero worms — and turned his head away like a CEO rejecting a bad business proposal.
"But baby, it has tomatoes!" she said.
Silence.
"And carrots! You liked carrots last week!"
More silence. Deeper silence. Insulted silence.
She placed the bowl on the table anyway, hoping he'd come around. He did not come around. Instead, he reached over — slowly, dramatically, with full eye contact — and picked up his Worm Cup. He held it up like a toast. Like a victory speech. Like a dragon who had already won this argument before it started.
She stared at him.
He stared back.
He ate a worm.
Then another.
The salad sat untouched, growing sadder by the minute, while Lord Chonksworth pulled his blanket up, grabbed the TV remote, and glanced over at his "I Do What I Want" mug — his one true motivational coach, his therapist, his life philosophy in ceramic form.
That night, he watched three episodes of whatever was on. He finished every single worm. He did not think about the salad. Not even once.
The salad, however, thought about him all night. 🥗😔
And somewhere across the living room, a bearded dragon slept peacefully — full of worms, wrapped in a blanket, completely at peace with every decision he had ever made in his entire life. 🦎👑🪱
The End. (The salad was eaten by the human the next morning. It was, reportedly, delicious. Lord Chonksworth did not comment.) 😂
