04/27/2026
Last night my dog committed what I can only describe as premeditated cock-blocking.
This might look like a cute, innocent picture of an American Akita laying in my bed.
But don’t be fooled.
This dog right here is the reason I’m celibate for weeks at a time… even though I’m married.
Last night we were kid-free. We had big plans to watch a movie in bed and “cuddle” if you know what I mean.
The dogs were locked out so wet noses & tongues wouldn’t end up in places they should absolutely never be.
I had freshly shaved… well… everything.
And things were going great.
Until they weren’t.
My husband got up to grab a drink, and the American Akita apparently took that opportunity to slip into the room while the door was open. He was quiet about it, so I didn’t notice. I was distracted watching the movie.
About fifteen minutes later the movie hits the scariest, most suspenseful part…
And almost at the exact same time, this loud, demonic, hacking noise starts coming from underneath our bed.
It scared us so bad even our ass hairs were standing up.
My husband knocks the bowl of popcorn everywhere, I spill my drink, and for a solid 30 seconds we genuinely believe there might be a demon living under our bed & we were about to die.
Now obviously, as a lady, I expected Josh to get up and investigate.
Personally, I’m not ready to spend the rest of existence in the dirt.
He swings his feet over the bed & starts to stand up… but before he even gets all the way upright he lets out this blood-curdling shriek followed by:
“ARE YOU FU***NG KIDDING ME?!”
I ask what happened.
He just stares at the floor and says,
“I just stepped in fu***ng vomit.”
At this point I lose it. I’m laughing so hard I can barely breathe, mostly because I’m incredibly grateful that it was not my foot in the vomit.
Apparently that did not help the situation.
Josh hobbles off to the bathroom to clean up, & not even half a second later the American Akita casually jumps onto the bed, takes Josh’s warm spot, and settles in like he deserves it.
No remorse.
No shame.
If I’m being honest, I might’ve even seen a little smirk.
When Josh comes back and sees the criminal laying in his bed, all the life leaves his eyes. He doesn’t say a word. Just turns around and walks out to finish the movie on the couch.
Was I upset that my plans were ruined?
Yeah… maybe a little.
But did I also secretly not mind that my dog had replaced my husband?
Also yes.
At this point I’m pretty sure the American Akita didn’t throw up because he was sick.
He threw up because he sensed intimacy in the house and chose violence. 🐾😄