07/20/2025
So much wisdom in the satire. Every new client is a similar process of gaining trust. Some go through the stages within a few visits. Some need more time. Such is the way of the cat. Love watching the bond grow each visit.
So You've Chosen to Pledge Eternal Allegiance to a Tiny Overlord (a.k.a. You're Adopting a Cat)
Cue the thunder. Cue the ominous pipe organ. Cue the dramatic close-up of a paw slowly knocking a glass off your nightstand. Yes… The prophecy has been fulfilled.
You, dear mortal, have willingly volunteered to serve a most cunning, fluffy, and judgmental master. A being of pure ambition, shadowy intentions, and a deep, irrational fear of your vacuum cleaner. You have… adopted a cat.
Welcome to the beginning of your descent into henchpersonhood. Here is your training manual.
Phase One: Arrival at the Lair
You bring your new overlord home. You expect fireworks, declarations of conquest, perhaps a villain monologue. Instead, they vanish. Into the shadows. Beneath your bed. Behind your couch. Inside a drawer that physically should not be open.
This is normal. Your evil genius is observing. Calculating. Judging your throw pillows.
They require a Fortress of Solitude, a secure room with food, water, litter box, hiding spots, and dramatic lighting (optional but encouraged). Do not disturb. Do not chase. Do not call them "baby." You may quietly whisper phrases like, "Your lair is ready, my liege," and leave.
Phase Two: The Long Silence
Days pass. You glimpse a shadow at 2:07am. A crunching noise. A single glowing eyeball in the hallway. Is your new ruler a ghost? A specter? A manifestation of your deepest anxieties?
No. They are a cat. And they are testing you. You are not being ignored. You are being evaluated. Remain calm. Do not force contact. Do not attempt to pick them up. Your reward will come when they deem it so.
Phase Three: Establishing Routine
Evil geniuses crave structure. This is not chaos, it is an orchestrated regime change.
Feed them at the same time every day. Scoop their litter box on schedule. Offer play sessions like clockwork. Your consistency will earn you… not affection, no, that's laughable. But acknowledgement. And that is everything.
Phase Four: No Touchy Touchy
There will come a moment when your villain stares into your soul from atop a bookshelf, and you will think: "They love me. They're ready to be pet."
You are wrong. That is a trap. Do not fall for it.
Villain affection must be earned through ritual, tribute (treats), and quiet respect. Sit near them. Speak softly. Show them you are weak but willing to serve. Consent is crucial. This is not a buddy-cop movie. This is a dictatorship.
Phase Five: The Solo Act
You may be tempted to introduce your evil genius to the other creatures in your home, your dog, your other cat, your unsuspecting goldfish named Kevin.
STOP.
Your villain is not ready for partnerships. They are not applying for the Avengers. They are building their empire. Give them time to solidify their master plan before introducing them to potential rivals. Or Kevin.
Phase Six: Accidents in the Lair
Sometimes, even evil masterminds crack under pressure. Litter box accidents may occur. Do not scold them. Do not banish them to the dungeon. Instead, move the box closer to their hiding spot, clean it regularly, and whisper calming words like, "The rug was ugly anyway."
Their confidence will grow. Their control will return. The carpets will heal. The power will rise again.
Phase Seven: True Sidekickhood
Eventually, they will emerge, tail high, eyes gleaming, claws slightly extended. They will jump onto the couch beside you and stare until you slide over six inches to give them more space. They will demand pets, only to walk away mid-stroke like you've offended their ancestors.
But you? You'll feel it. You've been chosen. The bond is formed. You are no longer just a roommate. You are their new minion. The legally obligated human servant to their petty tyranny.
And it. Is. Glorious.
If you encounter any unusual behavior or villainous plotting beyond your level of clearance, please contact our Behavior Hotline. Think of them as licensed supervillain psychologists trained to help henchpeople just like you navigate power struggles, midnight zoomies, and sofa coups.
Schedule your villain support session here: https://bit.ly/4klweCG
Now go. Fulfill your destiny. Your evil genius awaits. 🐾💥🖤