01/09/2026
🤣
If you find an equestrian on their side this winter, please turn them the right way up and power them with tea.
No, seriously. This is not a joke. This is a health and safety advisory.
Winter equestrians are a fragile species. We can usually be found frozen in gateways, wedged against stable doors, or lying horizontally in a muddy field questioning our life choices. If discovered, do not panic. Simply follow the steps below.
First, check for signs of life.
Are they muttering about mud, frozen taps, or why they didn’t take up knitting? Good. They’re still with us.
Next, carefully rotate them upright. Winter riders tend to tip over due to excess layers, stiff joints, and boots filled with mud that now weigh approximately the same as a small car. Use correct lifting technique. Bend your knees. Protect your back. This person has already ruined theirs.
Once upright, immediately administer tea.
Not lukewarm tea. Not herbal nonsense. Proper, builders’, strong-enough-to-stand-a-spoon-up tea. Bonus points if it’s delivered in a battered yard mug that smells faintly of hay and regret.
Do not ask how they are.
They will say “fine” while their eye twitches and their soul quietly leaves their body.
Expect them to be wearing:
• Seven layers, none of which are actually warm
• Gloves that are somehow both soaking wet and frozen solid
• An expression of pure regret
They may appear grumpy. This is normal. Winter equestrians have been up since dawn, defrosting buckets with kettles, chipping ice like they’re auditioning for a mining job, and explaining to non-horse people that no, the horse cannot “just stay inside today”.
They are tired.
They are cold.
They smell faintly of horse and despair.
Under no circumstances should you suggest:
• “At least it’s not raining”
• “You chose this life”
• “Horses are just pets”
If the equestrian starts laughing for no reason, crying into their tea, or talking about selling everything and moving to Spain, this is also normal. Continue tea application until coherence returns.
Once revived, they will stand up, pull their hat down, sigh deeply, and go straight back out into the cold to do it all again. Because despite everything — the mud, the ice, the numb toes, and the emotional damage — they love it.
And if you find them on their side again tomorrow?
Turn right ways up.
Apply tea.
Repeat until spring. ☕🐴
