Holistic Equine Relationship Development - HERD

Holistic Equine Relationship Development - HERD Building horse and human relationships through connection and enjoyment. Animal communicator.

09/15/2025

Sending some your way today and every day.

09/03/2025

BOUNDARIES vs EMOTIONAL ENMESHMENT
COMMUNICATION vs APPEASEMENT
GRACE vs GUILT

I watched a TikTok video this morning where a handler had to escalate pressure to get their horse to give them some personal space, because things were getting a little unsafe, and what struck me wasn’t the horse’s response, but the handler’s…

They were overcome with guilt and shame that they hadn’t been able to train ‘perfectly’ to prevent it.

Meanwhile, the horse appeared completely unbothered. If anything, the earlier confusion about whether the handler wanted closeness or distance seemed more stressful than the correction itself.

I’ve seen this pattern often, and have experienced it myself.

And rather than brush it off as a skill issue, I think we need to take a much deeper look…

This often mirrors how many of us experience boundaries in our human relationships.

TO ERR IS HUMAN…

It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to recognize and navigate boundaries perfectly 100% of the time.

Like the frog in boiling water, sometimes we don’t recognize there’s a problem until things start to heat up.

And while I think it’s great to use these moments as learning opportunities and allow hindsight to guide us, guilt and shame shouldn’t drive us.

We need to give ourselves a little bit of grace instead of guilt.

It’s not healthy to shame spiral every time we have to set a boundary.

This often comes from confusing a boundary with punishment.

In this example, what the horse experienced wasn’t harm, it was clarity, and this is where it’s really important not to project our own experiences and feelings about boundaries onto what the horse is actually experiencing and feeling in the moment.

WE CAN’T SET BOUNDARIES WITH POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT…

We can positively reinforce behavior around our boundaries.

For instance, “Thank you for giving me some space, I really appreciate that!”

But we cannot communicate the threshold of a boundary through positive reinforcement.

Read that again.

Because it’s a lot deeper than a technique, and it’s absolutely applicable to our human relationships.

In human relationships, trying to maintain boundaries with positive reinforcement alone translates to fawning and appeasement behaviors, and I see this leak into our interactions with our horses all the time.

We often try to navigate boundaries solely through positive reinforcement because we’re afraid.

If setting a healthy boundary risks severing a relationship, that’s often an indicator of emotional enmeshment, where individuals aren’t allowed to BE individuals in a relationship.

COMMUNICATION ⧣ CONFLICT

In this situation, the horse wasn’t wrong, and the handler wasn’t wrong, and this is a common dynamic in human relationships, as well.

But settings boundaries can feel jarring to both the one setting them and the one receiving them, because we’ve been conditioned to equate boundary-setting with failure or conflict.

In horses, navigating proximity and distance and practicing collision avoidance are natural, and have nothing to do with dominance, and have no negative impact on relationship.

Maybe we could learn something from that.

Horses model that mutual give and take is what makes room for real connection.

08/27/2025

When Marisa Metzger watched her horses warm up at the Platinum Performance USHJA 3’/3’3” Green Hunter Incentive Championship, friends kept stopping to ask the 34-year-old why she wasn’t in her show clothes.

07/15/2025

The welfare problems in the horse world are really just a mirror image of the problems that plague humanity as a whole.

Prioritization of capital, instant gratification and status above all else.

Individualism taken to the point of extremity, where people feel entitled to behaving however they want without consequence and believe they should be able to do so even in cases where it causes active harm.

Denial of evidence based information in favour of clinging to the false comfort of familiarity. The immense desire to run from information that creates discomfort.

Shame based culture that perpetuates the idea that to grow and change is to be flawed. That it’s somehow shameful to admit to being wrong and change your trajectory accordingly.

The mob mentality of this feeds into people doubling down and continuing to repeat the same mistakes because there is such a fear of admitting wrongdoing.

Black and white thinking that does not allow for true growth. The belief that in order to be a fan of someone, we must idol worship them and overlook their flaws when the truth is that to be flawed is to be human. What speaks the most about someone’s character is how dedicated to personal growth they are.

The welfare problems we see in competition are just the capitalistic desire to constantly product manifesting from within the horse world.

People feel entitled to the obedience of horses, to the labour of horses, simply because they desire a specific outcome and believe it’s their right to obtain it.

People justify a lack of ethics in favour of chasing whatever training methods they feel will bring them desired results sooner, even if they come at a cost to the horse.

Repairing the ethics in the horse world are going to need to involve a systemic shift in what we normalize within human society as a whole.

The world doesn’t revolve around us, despite the fact that we’ve tried to create the notion that it does.

It may feel oppressive to stop centring human desires above all else but that’s just because a lot of us have grown up being taught to center our own wants over the needs of our horses.

This makes it far more convenient for people to blame problem behaviours in horses on “disrespect” or “naughtiness” because it’s an easy way for humans to evade taking accountability and truly looking at the role they play in their horse’s suffering.

We need a revolution of values.

We love to say “the horse always comes first” but this is seldom actually true in practice.

07/01/2025

In this picture, it doesn't look like much is happening. Two handsome horses, standing across a gate in the morning sun. The story behind this picture is one of youngsters making mistakes, bonds forming over short hours but important choices, and the education that one being gives to another. And my...

06/26/2025

The most impactful figure in my life in my early years of eventing was my coach and mentor, P***y McGaughan. He very sadly died in 2020. With his guidance, I climbed the levels of eventing from novice to advanced. Gregarious, funny and smart, he was deeply committed to training horses and riders. He...

06/12/2025

YOU CAN HAVE HIGH STANDARDS, AND NOT BE A CONTROL FREAK.

It may surprise you, but I am not a control freak. But I am also not an anarchist, or chaotic.

I have an allergy to chaos, and strive for a life that is peaceful, and clear.

With my horses, I have high standards for their care and routine, and very high standards for the training for what is, and is not acceptable behaviour towards them.

But I am not a control freak.

We have an intern here with us right now. She was surprised to discover, after following me for a while online, that I was very quick to extend full trust to her to handle my horses, go about the chores independently, and is free to think, act and figure things out for herself.

I am the same with my horses.

I want you to know, that encouraging your horse to think, to feel and to offer their opinions does not mean you must now have a chaotic, spoiled or untrained animal that you cannot do anything with. You can set high standards, and base line boundaries. But in between these two points you can give the horses, and the people, in your life a lot of freedom to find their way.

It is also a way I make life 100% easier on me, it is an act of kindness to allow others to make mistakes, think for themselves and try.

At clinics recently, many instances occurred where people wanted me to
1. Tell them what to do (As if they had no idea of their own)
2. Tell them what is wrong with them (As if I was perfect)
3. Totally control all their actions around their horse (As if mistakes are forbidden)

And I just point blank refuse.

"What would you like to do today?". Is the approach. I won't dictate that to them. I believe that everyone around me is a functional adult, not a child. So many teachers are deeply, profoundly patronising to horses and horse people. Acting like they make no mistakes and know inherently what is good for everyone else.

I do not.

If I crash upon the mind of someone else, occupy all their thinking space, and tell them what to do... they never learn to think for themselves.

Same with horses.

And thinking involves periods of CONFUSION where you ponder your options. I won't save anyone from that. Because I do not see confusion as bad. I see it as an essential stepping stone towards thoughtfulness and authentic understanding.

But, in this day and age, we are at the pointy end of a multi-generational experiment to create legions of thoughtless people. Thoughtlessness is KING, taking action without thinking is lauded as a job well done.

I refuse to believe that is healthy.

And I refuse to accept the invitation from others to control the way they live, think, feel and act. But instead teach from a place of deep personal confidence, and desire to share information in a mutual way.

I was invited down to TN to teach a workshop/clinic. We had great fun, great weather, and great equines.
05/19/2025

I was invited down to TN to teach a workshop/clinic. We had great fun, great weather, and great equines.

03/03/2025

Be deeply, wildly, shamelessly affectionate with your horses. You are allowed. Not only allowed, that's a direct order.

Somehow, it has become cool to be careless. Rugged individualism and masochistic work addiction translate to a scenario where the biggest show of effort from a horse is met with a nonchalant pet from a rider trying to be cool, or a vulgar hard slap-slap-slap from a rider trying to prove, all too loudly, that the horse "pleased" them.

Pet the horse. Open soft land, stroke. Not a slap, unless your horse likes vigorous pressure. I have one of those at home. If he was a human it would be Deep Tissue Massage or Get Outta Here with your skin rubs.

Every horse will like affection catered differently. For some, they want your hands OFF. Touch is too intense, too crass. It is enough for you to stand there and glow about them. Just glow, from inside and out. They glow back. And you squirm with pride. Glow worm.

When someone calls their horse names, I have to wonder who encouraged them to go so far up Sh*t Creek? Don't you realise that the forces that made the Galaxy, mountains, and that grass over there is the same power that made you, and made your horse?

It is a miracle to be alive.

You want to spend the precious little time we have in our life being CYNICAL? Being stoic or even harsh towards animals that safekeep your body during fun and/or necessary activities? When did you forget that you get only one life? And in your last breath, are you going to be grateful that you spent your time with your horse calling them a jerk, bitch, as***le, idiot etc etc etc. How ridiculous. Stop it.

It is deeply, profoundly foolish to not be affectionate to your horses. Got a horse that challenges you, frustrates you, annoys you, or makes your life hard? Sure. We all do. Get it out of your system and then walk your nervous system back home.

Say thank you.
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
I think you are the best.
Thank you.

Repeat.

That is your prescription today! Shed the skin of the toxic stoicism we have all been taught to embody as some form of Legitimate Horse People Are Rarely Affectionate Or Impressed By Their Horse. Unless the horse performs some kind of miracle.

If you do not tell your horse they are fabulous, how will they ever be fabulous?

Ever had a horse do the same for you in return? You gotta give it, to get it.

Try it. It doesn't hurt I promise.

Your friends laughing at you? For being kind to your horse? Can you hear how utterly insane that is? Discover your confidence to embody that care and nurturant love with your horses and shake your head in disbelief at the fools who think that's foolish... or take them out to lunch and ask them when their pain started. Only people in pain withhold love. Nothing sadder.

But you do not have to. You can just decide, right now, and implement it, right now.

02/20/2025

Your touch is impatient.

Your body doesn’t believe me.

It feels like you’re running away but you’re physically getting closer and closer.

Now I can smell you. You’re not breathing.

Tell me, why is your anxiety more important to you, than my safety when I am with you?

You ask me questions and give me no time to think and then already there’s a tap, a swing, a push, a nudge, and urge to comply.

Comply with what?

With that? Ok, you say you want lightness then why do you build it up and break it down again a hundred times an hour?

If you want it light, feel the unbearable lightness of asking quietly and waiting for me to think.

If you wait for me to think, you’ll have to feel your own body whilst you wait.

This is exactly what I am hoping for.

If you don’t like how you feel, I want you to know that belongs to you, not me. And you can change it. But you have to feel it first.

I want you in your body. The same way I am in my body- it’s all I have. My body, my space, my memories and my hopes.

Still I hope.

Then you yell. Not with your voice, with your body. Like I am deaf to your body you yell. You make weird and intimidating movements and keep your face calm.

Relaxation, apparently.

You say to the others, that this rehearses an emergency.

To me, you’re the boy who cried wolf.

I am already aware. Emergencies emerge- they are not rehearsed. When a true emergency arrives, and you have not dulled me to your vain rehearsed loudness, I will respond. All creatures on earth understand the primal cry.

But what I understand now, is that deep down, you’re actually in an emergency. Always. Just by standing next to me you’re in an emergency.

I’ve heard that your kind live a very hard existence. And I am roped into that with you. I am compassionate to you.

Because I can see.
I can feel.
I can sense.
I can smell.
I can hear.
And I know. You’re in an emergency just by being here.

That doesn’t mean I am too.

01/30/2025

In the morning, Quora came in from her pasture and had asked to go into a stall. She was in there munching hay when I went to get her to tack her up and ride.
Although I normally bring her out into the aisle at liberty, she had already been groomed so I went into the stall with the halter, as that’s what I ride her in.

I opened the door and entered the stall, she picked her head up, looked at me, made a kind of ‘blech’ face then turned away from me. The back door of the stall was open to a paddock and she slowly walked out.

There were so many ways to think about or ‘address’ that scenario. Was she being disrespectful? Was she telling me that she hated riding, or hated me? Did she need to be ‘corrected or did I need to walk away? Should I have ‘done’ something?

Should I feel like a failure that my young horse doesn’t like me? Or should I feel like a failure because I hadn’t trained her to give me her full attention when I enter her space? for so many people those would be the only 2 options for how to feel about this.

I decided to do nothing and just observe. I decided to be curious.

She walked out into the paddock and got a drink from the waterer. Yes, there was water in her stall, but I had already observed that she prefers the outside waterer, perhaps because it’s less noisy.

After getting a drink she walked back into the stall and into the aisle and stuck her head in the halter that I was still holding. I guess I’m not such a failure after all.

I thought about the day before when Dana and I were going somewhere, he was already outside and came in the kitchen to let me know we needed to go. I held up my finger to say: ‘just 1 minute’ and turned to get a drink of water. I thought about how absolutely normal that scenario was. There was no pressure or disobedience. Dana didn’t feel like a failure or that I had disrespected him. It was just 2 people in a relationship moving through life together.

How else could Quora have possibly have told me that she was thirsty? I love that my horses feel free to do things like that. It means she ‘got’ what is happening and she simply wanted to have a drink before doing it. No, I don’t know exactly what she was thinking, but sometimes things simply are as they seem.

I was glad I didn’t ‘correct’ her or feel bad about myself. Keeping me feeling good about myself isn’t my horse’s responsibility anyway… but that’s a different story.

I know probably some people are going to make arguments that she should look at me when I enter the stall, she shouldn’t turn away, blah, blah blah.

I wonder if that would be the same people who also would say that when my husband walks in the room I need to give him full attention and I don’t dare hesitate when he says it’s time to leave... even if I'm thirsty.

We are each allowed to have the relationship we want with our horses. Just make sure it’s working for you and your horse.

12/05/2024

Based on recent research coming to light, I’d like to describe what I am evolving on, in the ever expanding work of Emotional Horsemanship.

1. I used to believe there were correct and optimal positions and movements to prefer. I now understand that these positions and movements are good and helpful if they are good and helpful, and they won’t always be. We need to give bodies options. Not minimal, reductionist, optimal and inflexible zones of safety. Options and variation, as much as we can afford them within their anatomical limits.

2. I no longer teach automatic associations between specific movements, body parts, and behaviors as automatic universal triggers to specific emotional states as the final answer. This is taught as an important stepping stone. Because we cannot understand the enormous variation and nuance that is the truth, if we have not understood some basic symbols. Horses don’t speak with their bodies in automatic button pressing, trigger meaning, action states. That feels intuitive but recent science has blown that out the water, as a naive first step in understanding horses only. It’s a helpful stepping stone in teaching progressive clients who are only starting to understand horses. But as soon as possible we need to get our students comfortable with interpreting not behavioural formulas like an alphabet, but exploring the abundance of variation that each horse present.

3. Homeostatic nervous systems are probably unhealthy. I used to promote consistency and sameness as the goal we might aspire to. I still believe it’s helpful for most horses to find a calm baseline. But not to live only and forever in that place. We understand now that healthy brains and bodies have ups and downs. Not flatlines in the middle. And we need to be training as such.

4. Emotions are not triggered. It feels like they are. But brains have prepared responses ready before triggers arrive- brains and bodies predict what’s coming. When the brain predicts something, and they predicted incorrectly, the brain feels very awkward and uncomfortable. The nervous system immediately is taxed and can be very jarred. The technical term for this poorly predicted discomfort is: learning.

5. Not all trauma is stored in the body. Not all disease is a result of trauma. I used to espouse this, it has now become a “sometimes” and “in some cases” factoid. Not an immediate draw card.

6. Horses are not in the moment always. Like us, they can be running simulations of the past, and predicting anxiously to the future. In fact- it’s very rare to find horses in the moment always.
A good task in horsemanship is to teach your horse how to be in the moment (with you). And maybe we learn how to do that as well.

This is an extremely brief and poorly written synopsis with many missing holes, of the things I have pivoted on this year. Evolved. That’s my job. To teach from the best that I can but immediately move to the next best layer as soon as it reveals itself. And some of the research that went into these findings was only published and reviewed this year. No, I’m not giving references here today. I have other places where I cite my research.

I’ve just spent 12 weeks meticulously teaching all of this and more, in great detail, in a course focused on riding, to 125 people. We have one week left, and then I open intakes for self study. So you can see exactly what I am talking about.

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