06/05/2026
"Ask Phryne" Weekly Advice Column
Dear Phryne,
My child is having an issue with a teacher at their school. The teacher called them "stupid" in class. This is not the first issue they have had with this teacher. My partner wants to go to the school and confront the teacher, but I think that if we intervene, we will just be setting our kid up for more problems with this teacher in the future. Also, I think it is better not to intervene because that will help our son handle his own problems in the future. What should we do?
Signed,
Angry, but not a Boat-rocker
Dear Angry,
You need to rock the boat. An "issue" is when a teacher grades an assignment more harshly than you believe is warranted. Calling a student "stupid" isn’t an "issue." It is bullying.
I am aware that there is a contingent of people that believe that kids need to take on bullies themselves. If you are one of those people that believes that way, you are wrong.
Why? What is it that we are teaching them when we force them to handle bullies on their own? That they can't rely on anyone? That they are alone?
What if it is a physical bully and the bully is actually physically bigger and stronger and more skilled in fighting? What is it that you are teaching your child when you tell them to stand up to the bully? Are you just teaching them how to get hit? Because there will be plenty of opportunities in life for them to learn that lesson without your help.
Standing up to a bully works great if you are an actor in an afterschool special, but it very rarely works out in real life. If we don't speak up for our kids, if we don't act to defend them, whether it is physically or emotionally, what we are teaching them is not independence. We are teaching them that they are alone when it comes to conflict.
It is hard to stand up for yourself when you feel like you are alone.
If you feel like there is someone supporting you, the odds that we are willing to face suddenly become epic.
Also, if you expect your kid to stand up for themselves, then you need to demonstrate how to do it first. Children are not born knowing how to defend themselves physically or verbally. If you are one of those people that believe your kid needs to stand up to the bully in the playground, then you need to be enrolling them in physical defense classes so that they are trained for it, and you need to demonstrate it in your day to day life. If you believe that your kid needs to stand up to their teacher then you need to be preparing them emotionally and intellectually for how to argue effectively, and you need to demonstrate that in your day to day life. If you are not training your child for a conflict that you insist they face, then you are neglectful at best, and sadistic at worst. If you are not demonstrating to your child on a day to day basis how to stand up for yourself then you are asking your child to do something that you are unwilling to do yourself and you are a coward.
I don’t think that you are a coward. I don’t think that you are cruel. I think that you were raised a certain way. You were led to believe certain things. You probably suffered as a child the way your child is suffering now. If that is the case, I am so sorry that there was no one there to stand up for you.
The cycle ends now. It ends with you telling…, no, showing, your child that they are not alone.
Rock the boat.
Sincerely,
Phryne, veteran of many a rocked boat
(If you have a question for Phryne, message her here or send her a letter at "Ask Phryne, PO Box 714, Leavenworth, KS 66048)
