09/04/2026
"Ask Phryne" Weekly Advice Column
Dear Phryne,
I have a brother who is in his forties and is constantly losing his job and having to move apartments all the time. During some of his periods of unemployment, he winds up moving back in with our parents. We like to visit with my parents, but when he is with them he often makes rude comments to me and my wife because he resents what he calls "our success." I am blue collar and work at a factory, and my wife and I struggle financially, but I am at least stable. His jealousy is not the problem though. It is my parents.
My parents never react to anything that he says and whenever I say something about him being rude, they just say that he is going through a rough time. On our last visit he accused my wife of acting like the "b" word. My wife and I left and we have not been back since. My parents told me that I am overreacting and that my wife and I should let it go. They act like I was wrong for getting made at my brother. They told me that we are being rude to them now for not coming over to visit.
What do I do? Do I just go back and ignore it when my brother acts inappropriately? Or do I just accept that I'm not going to see my parents anymore?
Signed,
Not the Rude One
Dear Not Rude,
Parent is not just a noun. It is also a verb. When a parent (noun) chooses not to parent (verb) they make the noun irrelevant.
By nature, most people don't like conflict. This is how bullies so often gain power. This is how abusers so often avoid punishment. People would rather let the little bad things happen than create stress by speaking up or acting out. The problem with this approach is that little bad things quickly turn into big bad things, and by the time big bad things turn into truly evil things, the people that could have easily stopped it all in the first place are now powerless.
Your parents are no different. They would rather allow your brother to continue to do his little bad things because it is easier for them. It is emotional laziness and it is bad parenting.
They recognize that you, as the "good child", have the self-restraint and decency that your brother lacks and should therefore bear his insults and abuse, simply because you can. This would be like a strong person and a less strong person showing up to a job to move rocks and the boss telling the less strong person that he has no responsibility to move any of the rocks because the strong person is obviously more capable.
You do not have to move all of the rocks yourself.
Regarding your immediate situation, do not make any public ultimatums. Don't tell your parents that you are "never" coming over again. Simply tell them that you would love to come back over once your brother has apologized and has committed to changing his behavior when you are there. If they balk at this, ask them if it would be okay for your wife to call your mother the "b" word.
People are slow and resistant to change. Ultimately, it will come down to whether or not conflict with your brother or your absence causes them greater discomfort.
I wish you the best, and if you are already a parent, or if that is part of your eventual plan, I hope that you don't emulate your parents. I hope that you put as much emphasis on the verb as you do the noun.
Sincerely,
Phryne
(If you have a question for Phryne, you can message her here, or you can send her a letter at "Ask Phryne, PO Box 714, Leavenworth, KS, 66048)
