05/30/2026
Do you need to have a relationship with a horse before you can accomplish anything?
This is a concept that has a lot of people twisted up, and preventing them from really helping their horses.
Just hear me out before you get all excited one way or another.
I’ve worked with lots of very, very troubled horses. For many years, I was the end of the road. My barn was full of inmates from death row, so to speak. Horses who were frustrated, unsound, upset and just upside down. Those horses don’t come in a position to be anyone’s friend, and trying to push the subject is a great way to get shanked, robbed, or just straight out scare them away. It’s too intense too fast for these guys so just chill 😉 (spoiler alert, these did become my very very good friends, and we developed a good relationship, but later)
What they DO need asap is breathing room. They need structure they can rely on - for my training program, it was a herd that was balanced (emphasis on balanced !! Not just a group of horse) and time to learn to integrate with them. They learned so much about peace by learning how to fit into the herd and quite frankly what was and what was not acceptable behavior to other horses. Nobody teaches that better than other horses.
They need to know what to expect from you. That you aren’t mushy gushy, patient as a saint as long as things go your way but the other shoe drops when you’re scared, frustrated etc. That you don’t bounce when they sq**rt off a little too fast or grab their face. That you can direct them earnestly and honestly.
A new horse to you is learning your life and your language. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in another country, but it takes time to understand everything, let alone make friends. Making friends is something you can do when you feel safe. People can try to befriend you, which is great - but you can’t BE friends til you understand their intentions and meanings.
Then we have to PROVIDE for them. Not just stare at them lovingly or sit next to them which is too much for many horses. They need their balance needs met too- how are they moving and do they feell ok doing It? They don’t always love every part of this if they’re very stiff or scared or worried from prior pain - there’s an art here to know how to keep the brain feeling safe as you change the balance.
Relationships are very important. I have developed over time some very deep, and very important relationships with my horses. But they didn’t start out wanting to be my best friend. Some of them were very, very troubled. And first we have to create some security in what to expect, and then, provide, and THEN relationship can develop organically.
Relationship is not something you make happen by being gushy and just waiting. You provide the ingredients and assemble them over time, and the other party decides when to meet you - in THEIR time
Photo by Caitlin Hatch
