06/17/2025
If your dog suffers with big stressors like separation anxiety please read this!
Dogs don't self-soothe like humans do. What we call "self-soothing" is instinctive comfort-seeking behavior, not conscious emotional regulation.
That's why separation anxiety is so hard to fix.
When your dog licks their paws, chews a bone, or curls up in their favorite spot, it might look like they're intentionally calming themselves down. But what's actually happening is much simpler - and more automatic.
These behaviors are instinctive responses to stress or discomfort, not deliberate emotional regulation strategies. Your dog isn't thinking "I feel anxious, so I'll lick my paws to feel better."
They're just responding to internal signals the way their genetics and evolution have programmed them to.
If dogs could truly self-soothe - if they could consciously calm themselves down and work through their emotions - separation anxiety would be a much easier problem to solve. We could just teach them some techniques and expect them to manage their distress when alone.
But that's not how it works. Dogs with separation anxiety aren't choosing to panic when you leave. They can't talk themselves through it or use coping strategies. They're experiencing genuine terror with no cognitive tools to manage it.
Real self-soothing requires (and what we as humans CAN do)
😀 Recognizing you're distressed
😀 Choosing appropriate calming strategies
😀 Intentionally implementing those strategies
😀 Reflecting on what works
This level of emotional regulation needs complex brain development that dogs simply don't have, as brilliant and as smart as they are. They live much more in the moment, reacting to what they feel without the metacognitive awareness that allows humans to step back and manage their emotions.
Understanding this difference changes everything about how we approach anxious dogs.
Instead of expecting them to "work through it" or "learn to cope," we need to:
🐶 Manage their environment to reduce triggers
🐶 Use gradual exposure training to build positive associations
🐶 Provide actual support during stressful situations
🐶 Use medication to help
Your dog with separation anxiety isn't lacking willpower or being stubborn. They're dealing with a flood of stress hormones and panic responses that they have no conscious control over.
This is why it's so frustrating when people say dogs with separation anxiety are "spoiled" or that owners need to "just leave them to figure it out." You wouldn't tell someone having a panic attack to just calm down and work through it alone.
Dogs deserve the same understanding and support we'd give any creature experiencing genuine distress they can't control.
The next time someone tells you dogs need to learn to self-soothe, remember: they literally can't. And that's not their fault - it's just how their brains work.
