06/13/2026
🐴📋 SMR SPECIAL REPORT 📋🐴
The Great Stallion Disaster Investigation
After numerous requests from the public, I, Tim Martin, have conducted a full investigation into the events surrounding the Great Stallion Disaster.
The goal was to uncover the truth.
Unfortunately, my witnesses were horses.
Interview #1 – Linaje
Tim: Linaje, tell everyone what happened.
Linaje: It was horrible.
Tim: What did you see?
Linaje: Dad broke out of his stall.
Tim: Then?
Linaje: Dorado jumped his gate.
Tim: Then?
Linaje: Everything went crazy.
Tim: Can you be more specific?
Linaje: Trees were falling. Horses were running. The barn was shaking.
Tim: Who started it?
Linaje: Dorado.
Tim: How do you know?
Linaje: Because Dad would never do such a thing.
Tim: That’s not evidence.
Linaje: It’s enough evidence for me.
Interview #2 – Jubileo
Tim: Jubileo, what did you witness?
Jubileo: Chaos.
Tim: Details?
Jubileo: Dad got loose. Dorado jumped out. Then they started redecorating the ranch.
Tim: Redecorating?
Jubileo: Heather’s trees disappeared.
Tim: They didn’t disappear.
Jubileo: They certainly aren’t standing where they used to be.
Tim: Who started it?
Jubileo: Dorado.
Tim: Why?
Jubileo: Linaje said so.
Tim: That’s your proof?
Jubileo: We have matching eyewitness accounts.
Interview #3 – Sabado
Tim: Sabado, your thoughts?
Sabado: Finally. A credible witness.
Tim: What happened?
Sabado: Infinito broke out first.
Tim: Then?
Sabado: Dorado jumped his gate.
Tim: Then?
Sabado: Two stallions made a series of poor life choices.
Tim: Who started it?
Sabado: Infinito.
Linaje: Wrong.
Jubileo: Very wrong.
Sabado: Am not.
Tim: Gentlemen, please.
Sabado: Look, I’m not saying Dorado was innocent. In fact, he was sticking his tongue out at Infinito. I’m just saying if you’re assigning blame, the horse who escaped first should probably be included in the discussion.
Interview #4 – Mira
Tim: Mira, what happened?
Mira: Stallions.
Tim: That’s all?
Mira: That’s all that needs to be said.
Tim: Did you see who started it?
Mira: Stallions.
Interview #5 – Dinastia (Uno)
Tim: Uno, can you help us understand what happened?
Uno: I saw two stallions acting like fools.
Tim: Who started it?
Uno: Yes.
Tim: That’s not an answer.
Uno: It’s the correct answer.
Interview #6 – Mocha
Tim: Mocha, what is your opinion?
Mocha: The boys are unsupervised for five minutes and suddenly there are broken trees.
Tim: Who started it?
Mocha: Testosterone.
Interview #7 – Gin
Tim: Gin, you witnessed everything from the pasture?
Gin: I did.
Tim: Who started it?
Gin: Doesn’t matter.
Tim: Why not?
Gin: Because by the time stallions start running, nobody is making good decisions anymore.
Interview #8 – Cuckoo
Tim: Cuckoo, what happened?
Cuckoo: I was grazing.
Tim: Then?
Cuckoo: I looked up.
Tim: Then?
Cuckoo: I regretted looking up.
Interview #9 – Gitana
Tim: Gitana, can you tell us what you saw?
Gitana: I saw two grown stallions acting like colts.
Tim: Who started it?
Gitana: The same answer I give every time one of them does something stupid.
Tim: Which is?
Gitana: A stallion.
Interview #10 – Little Bit (Visiting Mare)
Tim: Little Bit, you’re an outsider. Maybe you’ll be objective.
Little Bit: I arrived, saw two stallions fighting, watched trees fall over, and immediately decided this place is insane.
Tim: Fair assessment.
Little Bit: Thank you.
Interview #11 – Moonshine
Tim: Moonshine, you and ElDorado were in the back pasture near the round pen, correct?
Moonshine: Unfortunately, yes.
Tim: So you had a front-row seat?
Moonshine: Front row, center section, no ticket required.
Tim: What did you see?
Moonshine: Two stallions running into the round pen at full speed.
Tim: Then?
Moonshine: A lot of dirt.
Tim: Dirt?
Moonshine: Dirt flying. Dirt spinning. Dirt landing on me. At one point I think I inhaled half the round pen.
Tim: Who started it?
Moonshine: By the time they got to us, it didn’t matter anymore.
Tim: What do you mean?
Moonshine: Once two stallions enter a round pen angry, everybody loses.
Tim: What was your first thought?
Moonshine: This is going to end badly.
Tim: And your second thought?
Moonshine: I’m glad there’s a fence between us.
Interview #12 – ElDorado
Tim: ElDorado, what did you witness?
ElDorado: Complete madness.
Tim: Can you elaborate?
ElDorado: The round pen exploded.
Tim: Exploded?
ElDorado: Maybe not technically. But there was dirt everywhere, horses everywhere, and enough noise to wake every animal in three counties.
Tim: What did you do?
ElDorado: I stood there.
Tim: That’s it?
ElDorado: What was I supposed to do? Jump in?
Tim: Fair point.
ElDorado: Besides, Moonshine and I were busy conducting an important safety assessment.
Tim: What safety assessment?
ElDorado: Determining whether the fence between us and them was still intact.
Moonshine: We were very interested in that fence.
Tim: Did either of you see who started it?
ElDorado: Nope.
Moonshine: Nope.
ElDorado: By the time they reached the round pen, they were both fully committed to making bad decisions.
Tim: Any final thoughts?
ElDorado: I’d like to thank the fence for its service.
Moonshine: The real hero of this story.
Follow-Up Interviews
Tim: Moonshine, how are you doing?
Moonshine: Better than Infinito.
Tim: Fair point.
Moonshine: I joke, but seeing him hurt wasn’t easy.
Tim: You were pretty close to the round pen.
Moonshine: Close enough. When the dust settled, I knew somebody got hurt.
Tim: What do you think now?
Moonshine: I think both of them would take it back if they could.
Tim: ElDorado, how are you doing?
ElDorado: Better than I was after my trip to the surgery center.
Tim: That’s true.
Moonshine: He’s got a point.
Tim: For those who don’t know, ElDorado has also been to the same surgery center.
ElDorado: Yes. We just had very different procedures.
Tim: Very different.
ElDorado: Infinito came home with wires in his mouth.
Tim: Correct.
ElDorado: I came home missing important equipment.
Moonshine: Very important equipment.
ElDorado: Life-changing equipment.
Tim: Let’s not be too dramatic.
ElDorado: Easy for you to say.
Tim: Fair enough.
ElDorado: So when I saw Infinito come home from surgery, I felt bad for him. I’ve been there.
Moonshine: Not exactly there.
ElDorado: No, definitely not exactly there.
Tim: Linaje, how are you doing now?
Linaje: Sad.
Tim: Why?
Linaje: That’s my dad.
Tim: Jubileo?
Jubileo: Same.
Tim: What’s bothering you most?
Jubileo: Seeing Dad eat mush.
Linaje: Mush is good, but seeing wires in Dad’s mouth is depressing.
Jubileo: Very depressing.
Tim: I’ve already told you both I’ll get you therapy.
Linaje: Good.
Jubileo: We prefer therapy involving cookies.
ElDorado: Can we sign up too?
Moonshine: Depends. Are there cookies?
Tim: Sabado, how are you doing?
Sabado: Fine.
Tim: Really?
Sabado: No.
Tim: Why?
Sabado: Because even if I think Infinito started it, I never wanted him hurt.
Tim: Fair enough.
Final Question
Tim: Does anyone have anything they’d like to say to Infinito while he recovers?
Linaje: Get better, Dad.
Jubileo: We love you, Dad.
Sabado: Heal up, old man.
Moonshine: Next time, use your words.
ElDorado: And stay on your side of the fence. Or you may end up having the surgery I had.
Mira: Stop fighting, vet bills are very expensive.
Uno: Listen to Mira.
Mocha: Listen to Mira.
Gin: Definitely listen to Mira.
Cuckoo: For once.
Gitana: Please listen to Mira.
Little Bit: I don’t even live here and I agree with Mira.
Official Investigation Results
• Linaje blames Dorado.
• Jubileo blames Dorado.
• Sabado blames Infinito.
• Moonshine blames poor decision-making.
• ElDorado blames a lack of adult supervision.
• The mares blame stallions in general.
• Little Bit is reconsidering future visits.
• Heather blames everyone.
• The fence is the real hero.
• The trees were unavailable for comment.
Case Status: Unsolved
Infinito is home recovering, Dorado is doing well, the barn is being repaired, and the horses have collectively requested that future disagreements be settled by eating grass in separate locations.
🐴❤️🌳
