09/21/2022
We all mess up from time to time. That’s called being human, I’ve not met anyone who hasn’t and if they imply they haven’t - these days I’ve learned it’s a sign to get as far away from this type of person as possible. During the intense periods of trauma recovery can be one of those times we feel we are messing up the most as we are in a deep state of shock, confusion, disbelief and generally not knowing how to put one foot in front of the other as life has suddenly and without warning or time to prepare changed.
Post-trauma we are literally like a young child attempting to take its first steps into a new world of unplanned terrain. When that child takes its initial steps we don’t get angry, belittle or ignore the child as it attempts to take these steps and then a few wobbly ones before falling to the floor - we celebrate it. And when that child stumbles and falls we reassure the child and help it back to its feet again. As we take our wobbly steps in recovery giving ourselves the grace and gentleness we would towards a young child learning to walk is a valuable approach to recognise.
Messing up is part of the healing process and if approached gently, honestly and with emotional maturity can be the best guiding force as to how to move forward now your life’s path is heading in an unexpected direction. I often think it’s better to know what not to do than it is to know what you do. Our mistakes show us what not to do and help us avoid repeating this in the future.
If we mess up it very clearly lets us see what doesn’t work for us and isn’t going to be a long-term way of engaging which will serve us well. Our mess-ups teach us how to adjust as we heal from our trauma.
Dropping the pride and ego of who you thought you were and opening up to who you are now becoming can be challenging as we often desperately cling to our way of pre-trauma being. Staying real, honest and radically accepting that life is no longer the same as it was before or what you expected is a practice which takes time but is critical to moving forward on your healing path.
It’s a painful process of grieving who you once were, what you no longer can tolerate in your life and who you must let go of to recover and move beyond the grips of trauma. If we mess up along the way whilst we make these discoveries owning, acknowledging, apologising and adjusting accordingly is the healthiest and quickest way to learn. Whereas denying, pretending or projecting our mistakes only keeps us trapped in not only trauma recovery but a cycle of denial, shame and guilt.
Whilst navigating the post-trauma waters of who and what is now healthy for you can be overwhelming and confusing as you adjust. Stepping back and observing what any mess ups have to teach us is one of the most valuable exercises in trauma recovery. Most likely it’s a great big red flag that something no longer aligns with you or that you are so tierd and stressed that you are completely overwhelmed. Either way stepping back allows you the time to rest and care for yourself and become clear if you need to let go of certain people, places, things, behaviours and/or thought patterns or whether you need to adjust and make amends. This process takes time and dedication in order to use the mistakes as a guiding force and not as a stick to beat yourself with.
We all mess up, post-trauma let those mess-ups teach us and guide us and show us what is now healthy and right for us as life has changed. It’s ok to no longer feel comfortable in the setting you once enjoyed, it’s fine to no longer enjoy the company of others who once made you happy, and it’s totally normal to realise you need to move in a new direction based on your experiences. Others may not understand, like or appreciate this, but this truly is not for you to focus on. Your healing is your priority and those that are healthy for you will wait and accommodate as your recovery allows your world to settle again.
Those that are offended, upset, angry or negative towards your changes ( particularly if they are aware of your traumatic experiences) are most likely not who you require to surround yourself with as you enter and learn to live in a post-trauma-based way of living.
Your trauma changed you, you are learning a new you and way of being as you learn to carry this trauma healthily. No one is a master at anything in the beginning stages, everyone messes up as they learn and become more educated, experienced and expert in whatever they are learning. It is no different when learning the new post-trauma version of who you are. So go gently as you embrace the learning, learn from the mistakes, apologies ( and mean it) if your mistakes hurt another and don’t feel the need to apologise for making changes which are required for you to walk a healthy balance existence which now requires you to accommodate your trauma and triggers.
Sending love and strength to all the triers, messer uppers, acknowledgers, apologisers and non-apologisers who are bravely taking those first wobbly steps or are strongly walking tall as we recover from trauma. ❤️
