03/07/2025
Are you loved enough in the relationship to feel free to go?
Free to disagree?
Free to stand alone, in togetherness?
In relationship with another, if you cannot disagree, leave, stand alone without punishment, without social consequences... then you are not in a healthy connection. The connection is toxic.
Many horse trainers have a toxic relationship to their work. They are not free to disagree with methods, tools or techniques. They are under pressure to go faster. Get results now. Get results now, for you. To leverage the horse into action, sooner. "Easier" compliance. Sharper action. Slowing down their horse training is an act of rebellion. Allowing the horse the advantage over the human, is a dangerous act. Saying "Not right now" to a client can literally cause financial ruin.
In my opinion, this is a primary driver behind the proliferation of poor training and mediocre training of horses. But not only horses. Of the people too. Clients get a raw deal when their instructor has to ask the horse to swallow a s**t sandwhich to give the client the feeling of validation from their horse that they crave. It actually helps nobody beyond giving an instant gratification sensation that needs quick replenishing. Take away that instant gratification, or constant emotional upholding through validation, and many horse people would have some kind of break with reality. A crisis. It might fry their brain to consider;
- Their horse actually doesn't feel free with them.
- Their horse is actually not ready to do what they want from them.
- Their horse is actually not healthy enough.
- Their hands are not skilled enough, in this moment, to develop the horse the way they desire it.
And so on.
To turn away from validation that is inauthentic, to speak the truth, to call a spade a spade respectfully, plainly is an act many equestrian professionals absolutely cannot do. It would be ruinous to their living. I need anyone reading to remember that. Their farrier, instructor, vet, trainer, boarding barn manager, is absolutely not free or at liberty to tell the truth with you in a proactive way because you hold power over them with your financial investment in their work.
Ever tried making a living with horses. Exactly.
If we, as clients, want service providers who are really Horse First in their hearts AND have the freedom to be horse first with their tongue and hands too, as clients we need to be proactive.
My suggestions;
1. Ask your Horse-Pro to slow down. Tell them explicitly, you want slower work, and slower results.
2. Inform them, that you want the truth and you promise you will not fire them for saying the truth.
3. Signpost that humble improvement based on your strengths and awareness of weaknesses is your goal. Ask for a list of both, ask them to say what they think your blindspots are, and your strengths.
4. Let them know, that it is actually OK for you if the horse is taught to think before they act, they don't need to be instantly responsive.
5. Offer to pay your professional a little extra to take their time with the horse to make it balance for them.
If you can do this for the team you assemble to help care for your horse, you now have an empathic point of reference to do this with your horse.
You will allow your horse to tell you the truth, even if the truth is something that's hard for you to hear.
You will allow your horse to escape your influence. Welcoming them to come back, if they want.
You will allow disobedience to the aids, and will meet that conflict with curiosity. You will lean into the space where the horse is NOT responsive, because in that space is vital information about what is appropriate-now. What the horse is able to do-now. What the horse likes and dislikes- now. Knowing that their answers right now, are not their answers for all time. But a statement of what has just happened, with enough honesty.
Essentially, if you are getting everything you want, all the time... something is wrong somewhere. Someone else is picking up the tab.
We are not supposed to always get what we want, unless we are absolutely alone. When in relation with others, it requires compromise, listening, adjusting and letting-go of our perceived entitlement.
There is nothing wrong, with being wrong sometimes. In fact, being wrong sometimes... is so right. It could be the single biggest medicine to heal what is ailing us all.
