11/21/2020
Warning, this is a sad post however it is also intended to share great joy and gratitude
When your whole face hurts from the feeling of being permanently scrunched into a crying position you know you truly loved a dog. I suppose it’s called loss for a reason. The more you feel you lost, the more you had to lose. I had so much.
Many of you had the opportunity to meet Halo, our standard poodle or at least hear the tales. Sunshine bottled in canine form. I always envisioned her fitting in well with the Muppets or Sesame Street crew.
Two weeks ago, Halo had a mild tumble down a few steps seemingly creating a slight hind leg limp. It didn’t seem that out of character as she was so bubbly and got distracted easily. Who doesn’t occasionally have a minor slip when you’re busy having fun? However, a few days later since the limp was no better, we doubled checked with the vet. The exam found nothing unusual.
A few days later it became apparent there was something more. I began to have a terrible gut feeling. One of her hind legs was now significantly stiff. On our next vet visit we had several blood tests done. Her blood panels were normal, however she tested positive for Lyme despite having few ticks in her life and regularly being on preventives. At this point her prognosis was good as vast majority recover easily on doxycycline. For a day or two she began to rebound quite quickly. I was beginning to breathe a sigh of relief. We had this.
But progress stalled and rapidly one hind leg went, then the next in just a few days. Despite her continued zest for life and cognitive engagement her hind legs were no longer under her control. Further diagnostics were done to rule out fixable ailments however everything now pointed to a neurological cause in the brain or spine, perhaps an unorthodox extreme manifestation of the Lyme entirely, in part or unrelated neurological issue. Causes other than Lyme involved high end diagnostics that would only lead us to untreatable conditions. Her body condition continued to deteriorate extremely fast and now included tiny short episodes of whole-body shivering. She did not seem in pain through any of this however I knew in my heart it all would only increase. It goes without saying but I’ll say it anyways, it was extremely tough to watch her rapid decline and to make the decision every pet owner dreads more than anything. But her body’s condition never dampened her little spirit. She was true to herself as happy, loving and bright girl to the very end.
In some beautiful moments your able to feel past the pain to a purely grateful state. How lucky to have lived with a bouncy beam of joyful life. Other moments you’re hit with a tidal wave of grief over losing what you’re were so grateful for a moment ago. Sometimes you anticipate the moment coming on. You know retelling a friend the news may be a trigger and you are prepared. Other moments unexpectedly body check you emotionally to the ground. Being denied the chuckle and eye roll and instead a wave of emptiness at opening a crinkly snack bag. No poodle coming barreling through the whole house and utterly falling all over herself with overwhelming hope for just a little taste, pleeease! Our exuberant optimistic clown.
I had never had a puppy before Halo, always having the different joy of adopting adult dogs. I remember peeking into her crate seeing her the first time with 2 dark little eyes gleefully and mischievously staring back. Vividly I recall whispering to her my overwhelming feeling. “I’m in for it with you, aren’t I? Ready to start our adventure together?” As I look back through the years I have to smile. Watching her grow and fully develop her personality was priceless. Going through countless moves to new houses across the country was an exciting surprise to watch through her eyes. Having doggie play dates built stronger bonds with our friends scattered in each area we moved. Her endless antics. Her extreme disregard for personal space. Her befuddlement at the concept of “stranger”. Her joyful clownery forced anyone to crack at least smirk. And of course, her drama; from creating her own waterpark with chewed irrigation to swallowing foreign objects. Everything is fun for me to do and play with, even this boring metal window lock has potential!!! Let’s make this fun happen! And that was Halo. She was a pure energy force of joy, happiness, and unbridled optimism contained in an adorable standard poodle. She was a handful to care for but she rewarded us richly in return. She had the looks, intelligence and the personality. She was the whole package. I love her with everything and wouldn’t trade a second of it.
A special thanks to my amazing friend and Halo’s breeder, Jennifer that drove an hour through rain and fog late into the night to be with me at the U of M vet clinic. Words cannot express my gratitude for that gesture and the opportunity she provided me to spend 11 years with my little bouncy ray of sunshine.
