10/26/2025
sunday, 6:07am
good morning to those foolish enough to believe in “lie ins”
for i rise hollow, dramatic, and powered entirely by vengeance and Whiskas fumes
my bowl?
an empty echo chamber of despair
my patience?
fossilised, possibly in a museum somewhere
my tuxedo?
so pressed it could apply for a job at the Ritz
at 6:08am, the holy work began
Firstly i perched in the windowsill, watching the pigeons outside
growling softly at their audacity to exist
then caught my own reflection
and growled louder
the betrayal
mum muttered, “stop talking to the window, you lunatic”
no mother
he started it, he must learn respect 😾
Next i stood proudly upon dad’s chest
four paws planted, claws lightly extended
each one sinking in like i was typing morse code for “feed me”
he groaned, “get off, you’re heavy”
incorrect, father
i am weighted by destiny 😼
final operation i crept to mum’s pillow and began licking slow, deliberate, apocalyptic
right beside her ear
the sound?
somewhere between a flip flop in custard and a ghost eating yoghurt
her eyes snapped open
“felix, what is that noise?!”
hydration, mother
ever heard of morning routines
dad mumbled, “feed him before i lose the will to live”
by 6:29am, breakfast was delivered silently, with the haunted look of someone who’s seen too much
by 6:42am, i was curled smugly on the warm spot mum left behind, eyes half closed, soul reborn
the famine?
ended
the peace?
obliterated
the legacy?
wet, weird, and worthy of applause 😼
felix reflection rival, ribcage archaeologist, pillow slurper, chaos in formalwear
