31/07/2026
The importance of being visible
This is a very different theme to the usual horses and health issues stories but it's important.
We had an 18yo girl come to the ranch for a few days in the hopes of interning with us during winter. She didn't make the grade, as many don't, but she taught me a great deal. She was a decent rider and fun to talk to, but that was about where her suitability ended. Every morning at 9:05 she'd enter the kitchen, start making breakfast and ask when we were starting: "9am. Every day, 9am." was always the answer. If one of the girls was feeding or bringing out saddles to be used, she would stand and watch. At one point Sandra said "Fine, I'll just do it myself" to which she replied "ok 😊". She didn't seem able to do anything without asking an excessive amount of questions first, even if it was something she was doing for the fourth day in a row. In the house, she'd sit there on her phone while everyone else was clearing the table and washing dishes. She didn't feel lazy or unwilling, just oblivious! Everybody was at the end of their tether with her and understandably so. Me? I was fascinated- it was like watching my younger self!
See I was fired from almost every job I ever had. I wasn't quite making enough money to go full time horse training at that point,so I had to do other stuff. So I had to have a second job during that period; I was fired from a cafeteria after three shifts because the supervisor told me "if you don't like it, go home!" so I did🤷♀️ My colleagues thought it was the biggest power move they'd ever seen and I became a legend they probably still talk about today- meanwhile I was thoroughly confused as to why I was being fired for doing as I was told. A hospice demoted me from tea lady to mortuary and basement cleaner because I didn't talk to them beyond my carefully crafted 3 question script. I didn't mind- the patients were less demanding once they were in the mortuary. A particular highlight was when the director of that hospice came in in a different uniform than usual and started telling me how to do my job- I didn't recognize her so I did the logical thing and asked who she was🤷♀️ She chased me into a storage room, slammed the door shut and asked who I thought I was, to which I exasperatedly said "Lysette, but I still don't know who YOU are!". She screamed the name "PAULA!!!!! PAULA!!!! PAULAAAAA AND I AM THE DIRECTOR OF THIS HOSPICE!!!!" then threw a load of paper on the floor in frustration like a toddler then had yet another fit when I asked if I was meant to pick that up or was she gonna get it. To be fair, everyone hated that bitch and they took me out for drinks.
Asides from jobs, personal relationships were hard to navigate. I remember at school it felt like overnight everyone went from "ewww boys!" to "ooooo boys!"- that switch never happened for me, so I'd just say I liked a Welsh boy who wasn't in my school. It was true, Spud was 13hh, dappled grey and would jump the moon for me. I went through a phase of wanting a Jewish boyfriend because someone told me (incorrectly!) that Jews only have s*x through a bedsheet with a hole cut out. I didn't want to touch a man but everyone seemed to think I should have one- this seemed like a practical solution. The instances go on and on, but the long and short of it is that I had to spend nearly 3 decades stumbling around angrily all over people's boundaries in confusion purely because I had no idea I was autistic and also gay. I never saw or met anyone else who behaved like me and so, no dots were ever connected. I just thought I was useless and stupid at anything besides horses and people around thought I was rude and lazy. The ones that liked me thought I was really funny when I was just being honest, so I'd ask a genuine question and instead of answering, everyone would fall about laughing and tell me they loved me🤷♀️ Nice sentiment, but the confusion never ended even if the interaction was positive!
Flash forward to the present day, I walked over to the girls who were watching the World Cup and said "Tea, anyone? I'd ask you about the match, but I don't really care." as they said yes they'd like tea and told me about the match anyway, I saw the 18yo giggling loudly while looking at me like I was a superhero.
The next day I took her to the train station, which is a fair old drive and we had time for a heart to heart. She didn't seem to have any idea how badly the week had gone so I steered the conversation around to what she felt could have gone better. I gave my observation that she didn't take hints "like what?" she asked. I slowed the car down and brought up her idleness, time blindness, explained to her why being late is perceived as rude (even in Portugal, sometimes!) and you MUST ask people if they want help with something, even if you're afraid of messing it up or if you're the kind of person who prefers to do things alone. She said she suspected she was autistic (nawww, ya think?!) and it was isolating for her. Her friends took advantage of the fact she didn't get when they were mocking her. When I said she needed new friends, she said it was hard to make other friends because she was either paralyzed in silence or accidentally offending people. Her family were supportive but didn't understand her and had also given up. She then said that she saw a lot of herself in me and it was comforting to her. She said she was struggling to move through a world that was not designed for her, but to see herself in someone double her age with all the same struggles as her yet doing pretty well in life- that gave her hope that things will get better and she'll find her place one day. "You're the coolest woman I've ever met!" she told me before I left her at the station. I smiled and replied "The last thing I googled was 'how do I say hello and goodbye without sounding like it's my first day on earth?' and I'm the coolest person you ever met. Remember that!".
I drove away thinking how fortunate it was that this girl had run into me so early in life- and that I'd recognized her rather than let her leave unsuccessfully thinking it was because she's a useless selfish weirdo. That next time she had a bad day, hopefully she'd remember me and know it wouldn't always be so hard if she worked on her stuff. I also thought how fortunate it was that I was more comfortable being myself these days so she'd been able to see me in the first place- representation really matters. It's hard putting yourself out there but being yourself is hard enough, trying to be someone else is... well, it's miserable and exhausting to say the least. I kept in touch with this kid and like to think she can come to me in moments of doubt- still don't want her as an intern though 😂
I went for this picture because if cute little confused 18yo barbie me could see me out here looking like a Backstreet Boy she'd have had an aneurism; but also might have realised a bit sooner that it's ok to look and think differently.
