15/12/2025
Telling children to “say thank you” or “what colour is this?” might seem helpful, but these prompts often create performance pressure, not real learning.
For children still developing speech, this pressure can feel stressful and discouraging. It reinforces the idea that language is something to perform on command, rather than to understand and use naturally.
Children learn language through repetition, connection, and meaningful context, not pressure. Neural pathways for communication are built through warm, responsive interactions with trusted adults (Harvard Center on the Developing Child; Tomasello; Hirsh-Pasek and Golinkoff).
Prompting, like “say thank you” or “tell her you’re sorry,” shifts children into a performance mindset. The brain begins to associate language with external demand, not internal meaning. Over time, children may begin to wait for direction rather than initiate authentic communication.
This becomes especially problematic for children with emerging speech, language delays, or verbal insecurity. The pressure to speak on cue can trigger stress, making it harder to access language or feel confident using it. What feels like a small nudge to an adult can lead to discomfort or shutdown in a child who is not developmentally ready.
And often, our insistence that children “say the right thing” is more about how we’re perceived than how the child learns. We worry their silence or missed “thank you” reflects poorly on us. It doesn’t. It reflects where they are developmentally and that calls for patience, not performance.
Development Takes Time!
Children under five are still building the brain structures needed for empathy, abstract thinking, and emotional regulation. They often cannot yet use words like “sorry” or “thank you” authentically and should not be expected to. But with consistent modeling, they will begin to use those words with real understanding.
Instead, model language authentically and consistently in real situations:
“Thank you for handing me the block. I really appreciated that.”
“You chose the blue crayon. Blue is such a strong, calm color.”
“I stepped on your tower. That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.”
“It seems like you have something to say. I’m here and ready to listen.”
When we embed meaningful language into everyday interactions, we help children understand and use words with purpose, not just repeat them.
