01/07/2025
On a beautiful Monday morning, I overheard my youngest daughter telling Pluto “ I am going to miss you so much when you die”. With kids who are very confused and curious about the concept of death means its a frequent conversation and usually with dogs being the focal point. It takes every ounce of strength to not shut down the conversation every time, because why do we have to talk about it ( Hello, perks of being an adult)
The same afternoon Pluto was limping, he collapsed when he attempted to stretch. My heart sank, and I had to cover my mouth to not scream- if not he would keep his pain aside and come to comfort me( thats how magical dogs are) I took a minute to scream on the inside and did a quick body scan to see where he was in pain.
While I stayed calm for him, I was pairing timing of my daughter’s conversation this morning, him slowing down to the collapse leading to the forbidden thought- his death. My mind starting going to places where I started thinking of our daily routine without him and it killed me- Anticipatory grief is brutal. The thoughts and scenarios got darker and I was spiralling at this point. I was thinking of how will I explain his absence to my daughters while making sense of it all- I found no answers. I started compounding my grief by thinking about Fidel and boy that did a number.
While Pluto being severely limited the whole day, we took it easy. He was just plopped on the floor like that, and I was just making sure he is still breathing.
In some very weird twisted way, I want to be around him when its his time. So I can be there to tell him what he means to me, in a way reminding myself of how his love and madness changed my life, how he is the best dog to my girls, and how he was the best packmate Jujubee could have asked for. I also want to tell him how he will never be forgotten , he will live through his stories. I will do this all over again, for him and us.
Safe to say, as he gets older and slows down these bouts of anticipatory grief will stay on. It will need some serious conscious effort to shake it off and remind myself its an absolute privilege to watch him get older.