25/08/2026
Anticipatory Grief, Grieving Someone Who Is Still Here🐾🐕🐱
When I/we talk about grief, I/we often think about what happens after someone dies, this could be a human or animal.
But what about when you know that someone you love is dying?
That is where anticipatory grief can come in.
Anticipatory grief is the grief we can experience when we are expecting a death or a significant loss, and this might be because someone has received a terminal diagnosis, is living with a life limiting illness, or perhaps their health is deteriorating and we know that their time is becoming shorter, (this could be human or animal) and yet, they are still here.
This can be one of the hardest things about anticipatory grief, you are grieving the person or pet while still having them in your life.
You might find yourself crying when they are sitting right next to you, you might feel frightened about the future, while at the same time trying desperately to stay in the present.
You may be thinking about all the things you are going to miss, their voice, their laugh, the little things they do that perhaps used to annoy you but suddenly feel incredibly precious.
You may also grieve the future you thought you were going to have together, the holidays you imagined, the birthdays, the ordinary days, growing old together, and sometimes, anticipatory grief can bring feelings that we do not always feel comfortable to admit.
You might feel angry, you might feel frustrated, you might feel exhausted, you might even feel a sense of relief when someone has been suffering for a long time, and feeling relief does not mean you do not love them.
This is something I think is really important to say, because grief is not one emotion!!!
We can love someone deeply and still feel frustrated by what is happening, we can feel sadness and laughter in the same day, we can be completely overwhelmed one minute and completely practical the next.
The guilt can be powerful,
“Should I be making more memories?”
“Am I spending enough time with them?”
“Why am I feeling like this when they are still alive?”
“Shouldn't I be making the most of every moment?”
However the truth is, you cannot spend every moment making memories, sometimes you just need to sit quietly, sometimes you need to have an ordinary conversation, sometimes you might even argue.
Because the person you love is still here, they are still themselves, and your relationship with them has not suddenly become a beautiful, perfectly meaningful film just because you know they are dying.
There is still real life happening.
Anticipatory grief can also be particularly difficult because there is uncertainty, you do not necessarily know when the death will happen, and may find yourself constantly wondering, Is this the beginning of the end?
Every change in their breathing, every hospital appointment, every vet appointment, every phone call can bring fear, and then sometimes things stabilise, and you find yourself breathing again.
It can feel and it really is like an emotional rollercoaster.
I also wanted to add here that there is no right way to experience anticipatory grief, as some people talk constantly about what is happening, and ohers do not want to talk about it at all.
Some people want to prepare for death, and others simply want to carry on as normally as possible.
Some people need to cry, others keep busy, some people want to sit beside their loved one and hold their hand, or paw, while others find themselves needing time away.
None of these responses automatically mean that someone loves their person any more or any less.
Grief is personal, and grief is not linear, you do not move neatly from one stage to another and arrive at acceptance.
You can feel acceptance in the morning and complete broken by lunchtime, you can laugh at something your loved one says, something funny your pet did, and then suddenly find yourself crying because you realise that one day you will not hear that voice, or the sound your beloved pet made, anymore.
That do not mean you are going backwards, it simply means you are human.
If you are experiencing anticipatory grief, please be gentle with yourself.
You do not have to make every moment meaningful, you do not have to be strong all the time, you do not have to know what to say, and most of all you do NOT have to grieve in a particular way just because somebody else tells you how you should be feeling.
Sometimes, simply being there is enough, a cup of tea, a hand held, or a paw, a familiar story, sitting together in silence.
Maybe, when the time comes, those ordinary moments will be the memories that mean the most.
As a bereavement counsellor, I believe there is space for all of these feelings, the sadness, the anger, the fear, the love, the exhaustion, the guilt, the laughter and even the moments when you simply feel nothing at all.
Anticipatory grief can be incredibly painful, however it can also be an opportunity to acknowledge what this person or animal means to you, to have conversations that matter, to say the things that need saying, and sometimes simply to be together.
There is no perfect way to say goodbye.
Sometimes goodbye begins long before the person actually leaves.
Be kind to yourself xx
©2026 Pet Bereavement Therapy by Glebe Medow Counselling
Glebe Meadow Counselling
