14/03/2022
😂😂😂😂🙈🙈 had to share this 😂😂
Things I've Learnt About Horses as a non horse boyfriend.
Livery yards are not full of ultra fit young ladies in white jodphurs & show jackets despite what adverts/film/TV would have you beleive.
I can now tell the difference between a cheap pitchfork & a decent one.
2 tonnes is the daily amount a horse s**ts.
A bucket that costs 99p at B&Q will cost £9.99 at a horsey shop.
6 months ago if a horse bared it's teeth, flattened its ears & went for me. I filled my pants with s**t. Now it just gets a slap & shouted at.
If a horse stands on your foot no amount of pushing will shift it.
The horse is perfectly designed by nature to covert £ sterling into s**t. Literally.
If a horse can do something stupid it will do it.
Horses like to knock over wheel barrows piled high with s**t.
January at 5am is an awful time of day to be at a stable so I let Her do this.
A saddle. An item crafted out of the finest leather & costing upwards of £1k that never fits your horse.
You can ACTUALLY wear out a pair of Wellington boots in 6 months.
A decent pair Wellington boots that last 6 months cost around £100.
The vet. A nice man that turns up regularly & empties your bank account.
Grooming. It takes hours & is the green light for your horse to then go and roll in mud, s**t & probably fox poo.
Horse dentist. A barbaric man with steel toe cap boots, a bucket of big rasp files who turns up & empties your bank account.
Farrier. A really nice bloke who turns up & empties your bank account every 6 weeks in exchange for putting bits of metal on your horses feet which fall off with 10 minutes of him leaving.
Horse Walker. A giant electrified hamster wheel for horses.
Crop. A whip thing covered in mud & hair & not at like the ones in Anne Summers.
Wheelbarrows. I can now tell the difference between a good one & a bad one. A good one has a low centre of gravity. A bad one falls over as soon as a horse so much as farts near it.
Water bucket. A container holding fresh water into which a horse must s**t at the first opportunity.
Horse Teeth. Giant chisel like things that the bastards like to grab you with the instant you're not looking.
Hunting. A big excuse for lots of horsey people to race around the countryside, looking posh with loads of dogs & never ever seeing a fox. Mainly because I shot it 2 weeks ago. And a nice excuse for yobs in balaclavas to have an outing and desperate not admit to it being a class war, despite the people with the horses having more of an empty bank account than they do.
Being run over by a horse feels exactly the same as being run over by a car. I've done both & can confirm this to be true.
6 months ago, watching my beautiful girlfriend, riding a demented, bronc'ing, rearing fiery horse filled me with dread. Now I just accept it's what happens.
4 hours is the time it takes to use a foot pump to inflate a 7.5 tonne horse lorry tire to 85lb PSI with a foot pump.
Stock fencing. An object that any horse treats as a challenge. It's to be jumped, kicked, leant against until it snaps at any opportunity.
Electric fencing. Decorative tinsel for ponies!
Horse worms. Jesus!!!! They're HUGE! A ball of grass snakes just fell out of your horses bum. Apparently this is because the previous owner used a 'herbal remedy' & not a proper medication.
Don't wrap the lead rope around your hand. Because a dangerous empty bag of Quavers, which are well known for attacking horses, will blow past in the wind causing the horse to bolt in panic & will pull your fingers out of their sockets. This hurts enough to make you vomit.
Horse rugs. Why do we always need another one? What does this one do that the other 76 don't do?
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