Soft and Sound

03/08/2025

Saying No to things you want to do.

When I read Oliver Burkeman's book Four Thousand Weeks (the average life span of a human) one of the ideas which struck me the most was the reminder that saying no to things we don't want to do is hard. However, what is even harder is saying no to things you DO want to do. You just cannot do all the things.

Most of my family died about 15 years ago and in the lostness which followed I threw myself into working with horses. Prior to this, I was bumbling about the lanes of Devon trying to ensure I found every canter track going. Then grief caused me to turn this part time love into something all consuming. That's for a separate post, but the point being, in the commitment to get as good as I could possibly get with horses, many other things had to go on hold. I had to say no to things I actually wanted to do in order to sharpen my skills and understanding about a life with horses. I didn't realize at the time that's what I was doing, but I was.

When I talk with my esteemed colleagues I see what an absolute newbie I am in the horse world.

As a student I studied literature and art. Throughout my twenties I was mostly working for conservation charities, watching bands and traveling. During my early 30's I was caring for family members, watching bands and working in children's services. Yes, I had a horse, but I wasn't committed to getting better, I was just riding. In order to be as good as I could be with horses, I had to put many other things down which I actually loved - everything became about the horses and I. No traveling, no gigs, little in the way of a social life, no funds for anything other than this.

And I did get better. When my equine friends talk about the vast years of experience they have, the many lessons and rides, I know I have barely touched the sides. And yet, with this sheer commitment to learn and choosing to say no to many things I loved, I did develop some skills and competencies. I do sometimes amaze myself at how far I have come in a relatively short period of time.

When students tell me how slow they feel their progress is, I try to gently remind them of how little time they truly commit to practicing. They can only be where they are, because of the amount of hours in which they are seriously practicing. Their job is in another field; they are looking after kids, or grandkids; they are going on holiday with their family or their running club, or they are spending their evenings cooking or at a book club. They are saying 'yes' to other things. And that's just the truth - their lives are full of a myriad of activities, loves, people, commitments, work. That is not to be berated, it is often to be celebrated.

I am currently saying yes again to some things which aren't horse related. I am now making the choice to NOT do something with a horse, or my equine business, and rediscover life outside of horses. It's the right time.

When someone is really, really good at something, it's helpful to be aware of how many things they have said no to in order to get there. And those won't all be things they didn't want to do anyway; there are likely to be many things they would loved to have had in their life which they had to put to one side.

I really appreciated the simplicity of Burkeman's message as it helped make sense of why I have 'failed' in some other areas of my life. I just could never have squeezed them all into this one short life. You just can't say yes to everything, and that is normal and perfectly O.K.

03/08/2025

Great post, thanks Mills Consilient Horsemanship

DOMINANCE IS DEAD…

… now what?

In the horse world, we’ve spent the past decade working hard to dismantle dominance-based training systems.

And that’s a good thing.

But in the process, we’ve sometimes lost touch with something essential…

Leadership itself.

I’ve been riding a horse who spent most of his life as a breeding stallion, and I was so proud of him yesterday…

He was completely at ease as he helped me teach a lesson, and then joined us on his first group trail ride.

Not long ago, he would’ve been overcome with stallion anxiety- and probably would’ve tried to eat that other gelding for lunch!

When we first started working together, there were moments when he felt the need to take charge.
Not because he’s defiant, but because leadership is familiar to him. And he’s good at it.

I couldn’t just take that from him.
I had to earn it.

And that had nothing to do with dominating him or ‘showing him who’s boss,’ and everything to do with him realizing he could let his guard down, and trust me to lead the way, in a world he has no experience in.

Because that’s what leadership is…
The natural emergence of experience.

Not control.
Not coercion.
Not authority for authority’s sake.

And for many horses- especially those who’ve had to lead themselves for a long time- trusting a more experienced leader can feel like the first real rest they’ve had since foalhood.

Leadership is not always the privilege we imagine.

It’s often a position of hypervigilance and pressure.

Studies have shown that dominant or lead animals tend to carry higher baseline cortisol levels than their subordinates.

Why?

Because the leader is the one who stays vigilant while others rest…
The one who makes the decisions.
The one who gets challenged.
The one who can’t afford to fall apart.

And when you’ve spent your whole life in that role, even if you’re good at it, you get tired.

Anyone who’s spent years in leadership, caretaking, or survival roles understands this.

That’s where natural leadership- not dominance, but grounded experience- is such a gift.

It doesn’t strip the horse of agency.
It just says…

“I’ve been here before. You’re safe with me. Let me guide us through this.”

We’re not taking control
We’re taking care.

DOMINANCE IS DEAD. LONG LIVE LEADERSHIP.
Just because we’ve debunked alpha dominance theory doesn’t mean leadership doesn’t exist.

And I think it’s a mistake to throw out the idea of leadership entirely.

There’s a kind of natural leadership that has nothing to do with hierarchy or power.

It’s not about who’s in charge.
It’s about who’s capable.

Leadership is the natural emergence of experience.

And while this kind of grounded self-assurance might be misread as arrogance in the human world (but that’s a different post for a different time)… in the horse world, it’s always welcome.

That’s the Way of the Herd.

Imagine a horse herd with no experienced, mature members to guide and protect its juvenile members… a foal without their dam…

That’s what happens to our horses when we reject our leadership responsibilities.

We don’t empower them.
We abandon them.

We betray the very nature of the horses we’re trying to honor.

WANT TO READ MORE ON THIS?
I highly recommend Linda Kohanov’s book, ‘The Power of the Herd.’
It’s one of the best resources I’ve found on natural leadership.

29/07/2025

It shouldn’t be this difficult.

This is an interesting concept and something my friend Equichanics - Tina Fitzgibbon (whose opinion I really respect) said a few years ago when trying to assess if a horse has physical issues. And I still think it holds as a basic truth. A horse ‘should’ be able to freely walk, trot and canter on both reins without too much trouble. Especially if the handler or rider is ‘competent enough’. When these basic things are proving to be really difficult, we need to assume there is something amiss.

As a very close to home example, one of my horses was standing ‘oddly’ - like a goat on a mountain top. I was told I just needed to keep showing him how to stand properly. Then I spent a day watching Dartmoor ponies, all of whom were standing perfectly normally without anyone showing them how to do this every 5 minutes. It shouldn’t be this difficult rang in my ears . Thus began many investigations, and my young horse was revealed to have horrific hock arthritis. It shouldn’t be this difficult for a horse to do basic standing. This was true, it was so hard for him because he was seriously physically compromised.

There are some basic things a horse should find ‘easy enough’. If they don’t, then they serve as red flags.

However, on the flip side, learning to be a good horse person or useful rider comes with no promises of ease. If you want to get really good at something it ‘should’ be difficult. It should ask a lot of you, in terms of time, commitment, purposeful practice. Facing the things you find the most challenging and addressing them.

Becoming good at something is a basic human desire. We are a species who want to stretch ourselves, and built into this is difficulty. We don’t get better at something by just hoping - we actually have to try. That’s in reality all we have to do, which is where I disagree with Yoda. The main thing IS the try. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, in fact when we’re trying to develop our skill in an area which is difficult, by default it ‘should’ be hard going. Otherwise everyone would just be doing it; and they’re clearly not.

Riding well may look easeful but it’s the result of many hours of not so easy practice. What gets in the way for so many humans who want to get good, is the desire to avoid the discomfort of getting there. We don’t like messy, we don’t like difficult, we don’t like not knowing ‘What next’. It shouldn’t be this tricky. Well yes, actually it should.

For the horse, riding should be as easy as possible. For the rider this means being prepared to address all of the things we may find difficult.

What it never is, is boring.

Photo shows Fiona with her ‘lovely but less than easy’ horse Seren. Fiona seriously committed herself to difficult challenges, in order to make things as easy as possible for her horse.

28/07/2025

Confusion. And how well horses do in spite of us.

While we may call horses naughty, or ignorant, or belligerent or even arrogant (that was a new one on me) what they very often are, is confused.

Thankfully, most of the people I teach don't call horses these things, but they may still be head scratching as to why a horse is doing a certain thing. Or not doing a certain thing. And usually the reason is again, because a horse is confused. And on top of that, because horses are such amazing learners, their confusion may have lead to them learning completely the arse about face lesson of the one we intended.

While horses are really consistent in their interactions; humans are not. While horses are zen masters of reading intention and movement in each other, we are very often a muddly little skin bag of human emotions and contradictions.

Because we want our horse to be happy, one day we may let them graze as they choose as we wander along. The next day we have somewhere to go in a hurry and haven't got time for this, so we want our horse to walk promptly. But, yesterday we let our horse graze, so they go to do the same again, and can't understand why what worked yesterday isn't working today? They yank harder and we call them annoying. You should hear what they call us.

Here is a story of a confusion I installed in my own good horse, Desmondo. Each time I asked Des to extend his neck I also allowed him to (or asked him to, I wasn't clear) extend his stride. Therefore, every time Des extended his neck, the speed went up. This was a great way to teach my horse to combine two things I didn't mean to combine and being the excellent student that he is, he learned it well.

I very often ask students (and myself) to have a good long think about how we want things to be between us and our horse, and then consider how on earth our horse is to know that? How does the picture in our mind translate to the actual practical conversation we are having we our horse? Every single time you are interacting with your horse, you are filling in some of those puzzle pieces for them. If on some days you're choosing pieces from the box with Buckingham Palace on the cover, and on other day's it's The Wombles, no wonder they can't get a grasp on the full picture.

Along with the many songs I sing to the horses, I also often tell them I am very sorry for my human failings and I will try to do better. The fact they can work out anything in amongst the crazy level of human confusion, speaks more to their good nature than our amazing teaching skills. Thank goodness they are who they are.

20/07/2025

Recent themes - Part 2.

Contraction. What is it and why does it matter?

Many things a horse may present us with (which we find challenging) are as a result of contraction. The source is usually emotional but the symptoms are physical. Although if you ride a horse’s body in contraction, with overflexion and strong aids, it can also work in reverse.
Contraction is a term many horse people use and it’s a catch all for ‘shortening, tightness, bunching up’.

And the response which may be suggested for a horse in this state is to add more pressure. More equipment most often, but sometimes just lots more pressure.

Rarely is this successful - a horse is usually contracting themselves in anticipation of something unpleasant occurring. Or they’re confused, or unsure, or bracing themselves because of something they’re finding physically hard.
A horse may buck because they’re contracted, or refuse to go forwards, or feel like a plank of wood to sit on, or struggle to turn, or be spooky. Many variations on a theme. They’re tight, so in their brain and their body they’re in defensive mode.

Having said adding pressure to contraction doesn’t work from the horses perspective, one can clearly be very successful overlaying contraction with pressure in other fields. If your bungees don’t break, and your knee blocks are large enough to anchor you in place, you can win lots of rosettes using this very tactic. That’s enough of that, thank you.

Because the opposite of contraction is release. And that has to come from the inside of the horse. We can force a horse to do many things, but we cannot force him to release contraction - we can only show him that possibility exists. And this takes skill, empathy, good timing, appropriate feel and a desire to be lead by the horse.

This summer I have seen several people dig really deep in order to develop these things on behalf of their horse. Sometimes it means being clearer so the horse can sure, sometimes it means doing a lot less. It may be something you can show your horse the way to via the bit and the reins, or it may be something you offer with your seat and your legs. It could be changing how you present something completely, or it might be just a subtle shift in what you’re already doing.

The only real route to the release of contraction is by showing a horses body and brain that they can trust the situation they’re in. If we just overlay contraction with pressure to get the job done, well one day your horse is going to break down or break open in some shape.

I’m so grateful that everyone I work with wants to see how they can be most useful to their horse and follow that scent…

17/07/2025

Des never likes to do things by halves, and his recent run of teeth issues has continued that theme. An extremely complicated situation for the golden one, treated with absolute care and dedication by .
Thank you so much Harriet and Kat, I know how tricky this has been and I really appreciate all your care..

17/07/2025

Over this summer I have done a lot of teaching; many trips away and a lot of local lessons. Too much in all honesty, but that is another story (although part of the balance challenge for sure).

I have, therefore, also been thinking a lot, because the way I teach usually requires more brain power than muscle power. And I have noticed some key themes presenting themselves across horses of all shapes, sizes, colours and type, and figured they might be useful to share. Each day I will write to one of the themes below:

1 – Balance
2- Contraction
3- Confusion
4- It shouldn’t be this tricky
5- Time

To start with balance, because it is so important for every horse everywhere. It is for us too, but we are less concerned about falling over than a flight using, prey animal. Our greatest fear of looking stupid probably keeps us upright.

There are many things a horse might show us which are all an indicator of a loss of balance. Three examples from this week alone which riders asked for help with, all relate to balance.

- Forwards movement (too much or too little)
- Leaning on the bit and hands
- Striking off on the incorrect lead

Now the bottom one was easy to see and easy to fix. This game little horse finds canter on both leads super easy - she has an excellent canter. And she also pays attention to balance (that’s one of the many reasons I like her). If the riders balance was even a little to the inside this would cause the horses’ balance also to be to the inside, so very sensibly she strike offs on the outside lead. Ensuring correct balance made the whole thing easy for the horse, now the rider just needs to pay a lot of attention.

The horse leaning on the hands was doing so because the first (and only) lesson she had been taught about the bit was to lower her neck and flex the poll. People think it looks pretty, but for the horse it results in a serious loss of balance. Then her only option is to lean on the hands, as she is so low, and so weighted to her shoulders, she has no choice – she cannot balance herself anymore. This is a talented and nice minded horse, who will be able to do pretty much anything her rider asks once her natural balance is restored.

And finally, the common and often complicated balance story of impulsion and its relationship to balance – too fast or too slow are often both intimately linked to a horse’s balance. When a horse, either through training, conformation, physical challenges, poor saddle fit – the list goes on – is propping themselves up with their front end, they find forward momentum with a rider on board tricky. And then their options are usually, put the brakes on, or start running and keep running. This may also relate to the kind of horse they are too, some choose fast, some choose slow as a way to compensate.

With many horses, we looked at helping them to move with ease, either slowing the whole train down, or allowing them to move, by improving the balance as the priority. It always amazes me what a horse will do when we show them how to get out of their way (which usually involves us getting out of their way first…).

Part 2 on contraction….

Photo shows my own horse learning how to change his balance in-hand. There is also a style icon in the photo, but that doesn't need mentioning.

16/07/2025

Another great weekend of learning, thank you to my friends and their horses for making it so much fun. Thank you to Rural for being a complete rock star.

15/07/2025

Preparing your horse to go away from home.

Students often ask how to prepare their horse to take them away, so this is something I have given a lot of thought to. Having also just taken my own 'new' horse away for the first time, this is fresh in my mind.

Because the truth is, we don't know what is going to 'happen' when we go to a new place. There are so many variables which we can't account for; how things occur at that yard or venue, other horses, other people, their dogs, the weather - you know. Life.

Instead of trying to second guess what will or won't take place when you leave the shire and venture forth, you can consider how you want things to feel between you and your horse at home - practice that - and then take it away with you.

When we're away, the truth of our daily interactions reveal themselves. My horse Des was a great leveler on that front - when I took him away and his anxiety would go up he would show me what I was not paying attention to at home. Mostly in his case I was missing all the small signs of worry and concern which became big markers of ,'You are of no use to me human' when we would leave home . All my small inconsistencies and not paying enough attention at home, became huge red flags of disconnect in a new situation.

I have apologised to Des and tried do better with him and other horses since then. I try when we go away not to mentally disappear in relationship to my horse. To stay just as consistent and supportive and noticing of what they notice in a new situation as in a familiar one. This can be tricky when there is so much newness and difference for you too . However, the flip side is that by committing to being consistent for your horse you can give yourself a helping hand. It gives us a purpose too.

You can't know what is going to happen when you go away, but you can make a choice about who you want to be. You can use your daily handling and interactions as an ongoing practice which you then get to test out in new places. You can be clear and consistent and focused on quality in all those small ways, so that you can practice them big when you leave town.

No one might notice that things are quiet and easy between you and your horse, as this work is unimpressive. It does not get rosettes or trophies. You might get told you have an easy horse, but don't mind. Because your horse is actually the only one whose opinion you really care about anyway.

As long as you take yourself with you when you and your horse leave home, all the rest of what happens is not your business.