Wendy Cottis Counselling

27/08/2022

27/08/2022

This was shared with me and I thought it apt for me at the moment. One thing I have learnt through my counselling is that we are never alone in what we are experiencing so I thought I would share it with you.

Found on Google from twitter.com

25/04/2022

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24/04/2022

I feel we need to be aware of this.

Totally agree.

25/03/2022

We are nature

With the warmer weather upon us, albeit for a short while according to the weather forecast, we may be feeling more at one with nature.

I'm sure like me you love the feel of the spring sun on you and signs of new life. It reminds me of new beginnings and regeneration, which increases my sense of wellbeing.

I have a new beginning in my practice in that I am now able to offer Ecotherapy to clients. This means that counselling sessions can be conducted outdoors.

Some of us find it easier or just more natural to talk as we walk. It removes the intensity that some experience with traditional ‘sitting in the same room’ therapy. It provides sensory stimulation and therapy from our environment.

Woodland and a nature reserve are my choices for locations for Ecotherapy with each of them offering their own form of therapy.

The trees of the woodland help me feel some perspective about my existence in that they have been there for years hosting loads of life and will long outlive me. Woodland noises such as birds, breezes in the trees and even their creaking provide me an alternative to what is going on in my head.

It is the same with the nature reserve, wildflowers, trees, water and birds all calm my senses and enable me to regain perspective.

The clocks go forward this weekend so we will have lighter evenings to enjoy more outside activities. Signs of spring are all around with trees in blossom and flowers bringing bright colours to our surroundings.

As humans we are part of nature, spending time immersed in nature and understanding its impact on us can help liberate us from other preoccupations and find our place in our own lives, helping us live more fully. If Ecotherapy is something you would like to experience please get in touch with me.

25/03/2022

02/01/2022

New Year - no pressure!

I really mean no pressure - we are all absorbing the underlying pressures of living with Covid, the short dark days, looming credit card bills, maybe dry January, maintaining relationships and numerous other things without committing to New Year’s resolutions that could lead us to feeling under more stress and pressure.

If there are changes we want to bring about this year approach them in a realistic way. Take one small step towards achieving goals - be flexible about timescales - we don’t have to do everything this month or even this year. We just have to be going in the right direction.

Over committing ourselves and leaving us with no time for ourselves can lead to us feeling burnt out and resentful - hardly conducive to meeting our needs or aspirations, which can then lead to us feeling hopeless and despairing at the lack of our own achievement.

When we are being harsh on ourselves or self critical try to think about what advice we would give our friends, partners or family - and then take it yourself.

Everywhere at the moment is the ‘be kind’ to people mantra - well we should also remember to be kind to ourselves. Show ourselves some compassion for all the things we achieve everyday, and how we all manage our personal struggles each and every day.

Saying ‘no’ to others, or even ourselves when we have taken on too much, doesn’t have to result in hurt feelings or resentment.

Being able to be honest about looking after our emotional and mental health is important. Counselling can help with exploring if and where setting boundaries could help 2022 be a fulfilling and rewarding year for each of us.

10/12/2021

We don’t have to love Christmas

Not all of us love or even like Christmas. For some of us it brings back sad or bad memories.

Some of us resent the rituals we have to go through just because its Christmas. Some of us find it hard to tolerate the people we have to just because its Christmas.

There are lots of other differences this one day of the year brings that we may not be comfortable with that leave us feeling awkward, uncomfortable, sad, lonely or just fed up with everyone else’s apparent festive spirit.

The emergence of Omicron just adds to any health anxieties we are already harbouring from the past two years - acknowledging this and keeping yourself feeling safe will be important to you and this is good.

I guess my message is that it is ok to sit it out - it is only one day.

What is important though is to make efforts to stay connected to some people whose presence you do find helpful and comforting through this period whether thats via the phone, a quick visit or online. Being connected to or with others is a basic human need, it is important for our wellbeing.

Think of something to do for yourself that you will enjoy, that may be indulging in a boxset binge, the day spent reading a good book, a bit of baking or even a big task that you have been putting off.

Whatever you do, do it for yourself and know you are taking care of yourself.

Counsellors understand that Christmas and New Year are painful times for many and can help you explore your thoughts around these times and find ways to look after yourself during them. We know it's not all as rosy as Christmas cards depict.

12/11/2021

Choose courage over fear when it comes to trying new things

Image: https://morganharpernichols.com

11/11/2021

Self care is important for us

Now well into November some of us will be having a hard time staying motivated or feeling a sense of wellness or emotional stability that we feel during the longer days, sunshine and a warmer temperature.

The extra hours of darkness and colder damp weather, the festive season approaching that we may not be feeling with the same enthusiasm as those around us- all this can make us dissatisfied with our lives. On top of these factors some of us will be coping with bereavement, loss, illness, relationship breakdowns and work pressures as well as worrying about Covid.

If this is how we feel we should strive to pay attention to our thoughts, feelings and emotions and learn to listen to what our bodies are telling us. If we need some down time we should try to make some.

Making more time for the things we enjoy is vital to our wellbeing - for some of us that is being outdoors, spending time with pets, gardening or simply walking. For some it is setting a goal and working towards it.

Looking after our diet and sleep helps us rebalance our bodies. For those of us who may be suffering from Season Adjustment Disorder a SAD lamp may help along with vitamin D maybe.

Exploring how we feel with a counsellor can help us recognise when we need to impose boundaries on our time in order to keep ourselves mentally and emotionally well. It can also help us identify triggers to low mood such as seasonal adjustments, unhappy memories, a lack of time for ourselves, competing pressures on us and relationships that no longer serve us well.

A good counselling relationship helps us realise we are in control of ourselves, there are things we can do to look after ourselves better. We can give ourselves permission to hunker down for a while and pay attention to our needs. We can close the door on the world, put on our pyjamas, be indulgent and devote time to ourselves.

11/10/2021

Relationships matter

When we feel that something is amiss in our relationships it can be disconcerting. We spend time wondering if it is something we have done, said or maybe should have said but didn't.

This can make us anxious, sad or even depressed over time, especially if we are experiencing it frequently.

All of us crave connection, it is normal. It is part of what makes us human. Having good relationships with family members, friends, work colleagues and others we spend time with makes us feel loved, cared for and is part of the bigger picture of our life.

Building deep relationships with those we like and care for requires effort, openness, honesty and skills that we sometimes need to develop more fully.

Counselling can help us explore difficulties we may be having in maintaining our relationships. Perhaps we can’t seem to trust people in the same way that others do, we may feel unable to open up as genuine humans in the same way we see others opening up or maybe we don’t have the confidence to approach people we need to have relationships with and are therefore left feeling isolated.

Having good relationships brings more opportunities and positive experiences to our lives so we live a more fulfilling life.

Working with a counsellor to look at how we experience our relationships can be helpful in identifying obstacles that cause some of our difficulties. We can identify unhelpful thoughts we may experience in building relationships and learn how to replace them with helpful techniques that will establish better connections with others.

The counsellor client relationship aims to be honest, trusting, open and reliable, providing a strength for the client to draw upon both in the sessions and when forging their own social and personal connections. Counselling can help us forge stronger connections for a healthier and happier relationships.

02/10/2021

Unburdening can be helpful

It helps to talk our problems and issues through with other people. Sometimes this is hard as we may feel that our friends and families have their own things to deal with or we may be frightened of being judged by them.

Talking to a counsellor provides the opportunity to be really heard. We can say or share what is bothering us in a totally honest way.

Counsellors can help us explore exactly what it is we are feeling or experiencing and then help us identify the options available to help improve the situation.

Sometimes we realise we have lost sight of ourselves, this can be confusing. Counselling can help us unpick what it is that is influencing changes in us and how we can better manage our own emotions.

Being in charge of our emotions and reactions helps us have healthier relationships with those around us - friends, family and work colleagues. Sharing our feelings and emotions is healthy and leaves us feeling more connected with one another.

Counselling helps us work through life’s problems and grow as individuals.

20/09/2021

Loss is hard

Last week I lost one of my beloved dogs. The one that came everywhere with me, the one that was my buddy, who used to sneak upstairs quietly to get the spot in the sunlight on the bed.

It was sudden with little warning. Before we knew it the vet was saying there was nothing else to be done. We were with him when he quietly slipped away with the sunshine on his back.

Bereavement is one of my specialist areas. Already I know that bereavement comes in many shapes and sizes, unique to each of us. Each with its own timescale and depth and roller coaster of emotions.

For now it is my turn to experience these. I will try to reflect on happy memories, to look at and smile at the hundreds of photos we have of him and to know that he will live on within me.

It doesn’t make the hollow in the pit of my stomach any smaller though - yet. Or the first thoughts I have when I wake up easier, or the feelings of aimlessness when I want to go for a walk and he isn’t here. I have to accept these things for now, knowing they will ease with time.

I have to experience the pain that loss brings in order for me to process this event properly.

I have an extract from Henry Scott Holland’s Poem that is helping me:

“Death is nothing at all …I have only slipped away into the next room …I am I and you are you … whatever we were to each other that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you alway used …”

Sharing how we are experiencing grief in the counselling relationship can be helpful for many. It helps us normalise the process and realise there is no right or wrong way to be feeling. No timescale to it and no instant solution. We are all entitled to experience our loss in our own way.

For now I will accept the emotions that I am feeling as part of the loss process. To the memory of my little man Skye.

13/09/2021

102 miles for domestic violence

Last week I completed a fundraising walk for the charity Refuge. Initially it was 62 miles in August, 2 miles a day. As a keen walker I managed to get in 102 miles - walking is my happy place.

To do this I had to join a facebook group which was great for keeping the motivation going and for giving survivors of domestic violence a platform to share their stories if they wished. Some survivors were sharing their stories for the first time revealing some disturbing and extremely sad and traumatic examples of domestic violence.

It takes so many shapes and forms - financial control, mental and emotional abuse, s*xual abuse, isolation from family and friends, physical abuse, stalking, coercion, manipulation of children. Much of the abuse creeps up on those affected over months and years.

Survivors of such tactics do not escape unscathed, they often end up leaving relationships with young children, little money, sometimes not even enough clothes for themselves and their children. This is where charities like Refuge step in to help in providing housing, food and clothes and most importantly safety.

The trauma isn’t over once individuals escape many are left with debilitating health conditions such as fibromyalgia, mental health problems, addictions, post traumatic stress disorder, and depression.

Things many of us find easy to cope with like relationships, socialising, working and shopping bring on anxiety and self esteem issues. Survivors are frequently scarred for life.

I hear all of this from clients in both my voluntary roles and private practice. If you know friends and relatives who maybe experiencing domestic violence or abuse please encourage them to consider counselling either through the charities that can help or privately. We all need to live our best life.

26/08/2021

Finding our happy place

There are times of our life where we feel like we have lost our way or that life isn’t as much fun as it used to be. It happens to us all at some time.

Talking these feelings through with a counsellor can help us bring more joy to our lives. Maybe there is something we have always fancied having a go at, or rekindling something we have somehow left behind in the past that we used to love doing or pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones with something we are already doing.

Experiencing a sense of achievement does wonders for our emotional state. Like climbing an emotional mountain I sometimes think.

What holds us back? Sometimes its demands of everyday life, toxic relationships we are caught up in, fear of failure or maybe lack of confidence. Counselling provides the opportunity to explore the barriers to spending more of our lives in our happy place and how we can overcome those barriers.

Taking time out for ourselves is important - doing things we love is important for our mental wellbeing, it restores our equilibrium, it helps us live the best life possible for ourselves and those we love and care about.

13/08/2021

What can you expect from a counselling session?

I realise that coming to counselling is scary for us all - I have been there. The decision to pick up the phone or attend in person can be daunting.

Some counsellors are happy to have a 10 minute phone call to hear what it is we are experiencing and what we want to get from counselling. This quick introduction can help with nerves.

At the first session the counsellor will outline their contract which details practicalities like the therapy they offer, session length, fees, how payment can be made, how your information will be stored and what types of counselling are offered such as face to face, online and telephone.

The most important feature will be the confidentiality they offer us. This won’t be broken unless we state we intend to harm ourself or others. There is an ethical framework for counselling.

Once the contract is agreed, both counsellor and client usually sign it. The rest of the session is ours to use as we wish.

Counselling is our confidential safe space to express what we wish and not be judged.

Most counselling sessions last 50 minutes to an hour. This is our time to share what it is that is troubling us or stopping us from moving forward with our lives.

Counsellors listen intently and actively to what we share, they note our body language, changes in our voice and facial expressions. They provide us empathy and don’t judge us by what we say or how we say it.

Counsellors don’t tell us what we should do. They explore how we feel using a number of skills. They hear what is going on for us, explore what we feel is best for us and how we could achieve it. They also accept us as we are.

Their skills help us explore in depth what is happening for us - anxiety, loss, confusion, chaos, abuse, relationship problems or self esteem issues This helps us develop trust in ourselves, live in the here and now rather than the past or worrying about the future, and to grow as individuals making choices for ourselves. Taking control of our lives.

Having a good counsellor relationship feels like having someone on our side. Someone to talk things through with without judgement, or opinions.

08/08/2021

Why would any of us need to see a counsellor?

Making the decision to see a counsellor can be hard. How bad do we have to be feeling before we decide we need some help?

If we are regularly feeling overwhelmed in life, overthinking things - work pressure or just life in general - counselling can help.

If we constantly feel hopeless about our life, work or relationships or we are struggling to come to terms with loss such a losing a loved one, a pet, a job or aspects of our health - counselling can help.

Maybe we are struggling to overcome trauma or working our way through relationship problems, again counselling can help.

Are we telling our friends, partners and work colleagues that we are fine but deep down we know we are not?

Sometimes we feel we can’t share our issues with anyone else as we don’t want to be a burden, or feel a sense of shame. Frequently we don’t know where to start and we don’t like getting emotional in front of others.

Living like this can be draining and impacts on our mental health. It can lead to low moods and depression, relationship issues and a general frustration with our lives. We all want to live the best life possible.

So how can counselling help?

It provides a safe space for us to explore what we are experiencing in an empathic and non judgemental environment.

Counsellors actively listen to what we share, using a range of skills and approaches.

We feel heard and accepted with the opportunity to really explore what it is we are experiencing, how we experience it, what we want to do about the issue and the improvements we want to enable in our lives.

Having a counsellor on this journey with us is supportive, comforting and empowering. Counselling can change lives.

01/08/2021

Why am I walking 62 miles this month?

Some of you will have seen that I am walking 62 miles this month to fundraise for the charity Refuge. Refuge offer women and children, subjected to domestic violence and or abuse, help in a number of ways: helping them escape domestic violence, providing clothes, advice on staying safe using devices and being online, recognising domestic abuse and help to identify the choices open to them.

I felt a bit of a fraud when I first got involved - not having been subjected to domestic violence - in comparison to the survivors willing to share their experiences with the rest of the facebook group. However I could see my input was still worthwhile as I could use my walking to raise money to help survivors.

My experience of working with domestic abuse survivors is through another charity I volunteer with as a counsellor and through my own private practice as a counsellor.

The impact of domestic violence on a family is huge and it doesn’t always end when the abuse does. Nor does it only affect those directly abused. Children and adults continue to be affected with physical illness as well as emotional and mental struggles often way beyond the actual abuse. Relationships with other family members can deteriorate, work relationships suffer, friendships are withdrawn and new relationships are hard to build when there is no trust to be built with people. Those being domestically abused or survivors frequently feel isolated.

Incidences of domestic violence increased last year. Domestic violence occurs in heteros*xual relationships and same s*x relationships and can be inflicted by both male and female partners.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic abuse of any kind consider talking to a counsellor, or encourage them to, or any one of the charities that will show up via an online search. It could change lives.