20/03/2026
The accuracy 😅
Mum thought she was having a calm afternoon
Sat on the dining chair, laptop out, tea in hand, pretending this house ever knows peace
That’s when I introduce my new friend
A Boris spider
Not one of those polite little corner lads
Oh no this one had presence
Legs like scaffolding, and built like it pays gym membership in protein shakes
I’m bipity bapping it across the floor like I’ve found the world’s worst fidget toy
It rears up like, sir, absolutely not, I swear I heard it hiss
Mum does that horror gasp thing she does
The kind of noise that leaves her body before the sound does
“FELIX GET THAT OUT THE HOUSE!”
I freeze, the spider freezes
We lock eyes like two warriors who’ve both read the same prophecy
Mum tries diplomacy “Willow HELP!”
Willow looks at the situation, looks at Mum, and leaves the room like she’s late for literally anything else
So now it’s just me and Boris
He scuttles
I pounce
He zigzags like he’s powered by pure fear and caffeine
Then betrayal
The spider bolts straight into the fireplace
Mum loses her mind
“OH NO. NO NO NO IT’S GONE IN THE FIREPLACE.”
She’s pacing
I’m peering into the hearth like a detective with whiskers
She grabs the firelighters
I realise too late, “this is a bad plan,” I say with my eyes
She lights it.l
Suddenly the living room smells like panic and bad decisions
Mum’s waving her arms, yelling about chimney drafts and spider revenge and hopping sideways because WHAT IF IT COMES BACK OUT ON FIRE???
She’s muttering, “This is how houses burn down, over a spider.”
I’m crouched, tail puffed, ready to fight whatever demon version of Boris emerges
Nothing does
The fire dies down to just smoke
Mum collapses back into the chair, shaking
I sit nearby, smug, chest out, like a hero from a children’s book about spiders who absolutely did not behave like this
She points at me and says, “You are never allowed friends again”
Worth it
10 out of 10 spider
0 out of 10 household stability
Would bipity bap Boris again
Hahaha
