03/02/2026
“My dog has perfect recall.”
Oh f**k off Dave, you lying bastard.
Your dog comes back because you’ve got half a Tesco rotisserie chicken in your pocket and you’re shaking it like a maraca. Take that away and your Labrador’s off chasing a crisp packet into the next postcode like it owes him money.
“My dog never jumps up.”
Really Karen? REALLY?
Because last week your muddy little goblin launched himself at me like a heat-seeking missile, put both paws on my chest and redecorated my hoodie while you shouted “he’s just friendly!” from a safe distance. Control your trampoline wolf, Susan.
“My dog walks perfectly on a loose lead.”
Oh Paul, you absolute weapon.
You mean for the first 12 seconds outside your house. Then it’s full sled-dog mode, choking himself to death to get to another dog that doesn’t want to meet him while you’re being dragged along apologising to everyone within a 5-mile radius.
“My dog doesn’t need treats, he works for praise.”
Janet.
JANET.
You’ve got cheese in that pocket. I can SMELL it.
If praise worked that well, dog trainers would be out of a job and pockets wouldn’t stink of dairy.
“I’d never let my dog get away with bad behaviour.”
Oh give over.
We’ve ALL pretended not to see them steal food off the counter because we were too tired to deal with it.
We’ve ALL let them pull because it was raining and we just wanted to get home.
We’ve ALL called them back once, watched them ignore us, and thought “ah f**k it, you win today.”
Dogs aren’t robots.
Training isn’t linear.
Perfect dogs don’t exist — only dogs having good days, bad days, and ‘I’ve completely forgotten my own name’ days.
It’s okay if:
Your dog needs treats
Your dog pulls sometimes
Your dog ignores you when a squirrel enters the chat
Your training session lasts 30 seconds instead of 30 minutes
You’re not failing.
You’re just training a sentient, hairy idiot with legs.
Dog owners — you’re doing just fine.
Keep training. Keep laughing. Keep swearing under your breath.
And stop believing everything you read on the internet.
