07/13/2025
July the 14th, 1863
Encampment near Terrarium Creek, just east of Basking Rock Ridge
My Dearest Ma,
I do hope this letter finds you well and not too troubled by the rumors of war. Let me assure you, your son, General Roronius J. Scales, still stands tall (albeit low to the ground) and proud in defense of the Red-Bellied Territories.
The battle against the Black-and-White Tegu Confederacy wages on with no clear end in sight. Just last week, they attempted to raid our supply cache—can you believe they had the gall to steal eggies from our very own mess tent? Sergeant Clingtail nearly lost his mind—he was halfway through an omelet.
But we struck back at dawn! With the moon still high and the lamps still warm, we charged across the mulch-strewn field, tails wagging with righteous fury. Private Nubs led the way with a shrimp in his mouth for luck, while I, perched heroically on a mossy stump, directed the assault using my tactical map (drawn in spilled calcium powder). We reclaimed our mousie rations with minimal casualties—just one bruised tail and a tragically overturned basking slate.
Morale remains high. Corporal Slappy made a stew of mousies and shrimp last night that nearly brought me to tears. Nothing like a bit of tail-slappin’ spice to remind a lizard what he’s fighting for. And we’ve even begun singing again—old wartime tunes like "When the Lamp Shines Down on Dixie" and "Bury My Eggies ‘Neath the Bark."
Still, the black-and-whites are cunning. Rumor has it their commander, General Blanquito, has been spotted donning a false red scale disguise in a plot to infiltrate our ranks. I’ve issued a challenge: any soldier unable to eat a whole hardboiled eggie in one gulp must report for inspection. No red tegu worth his jowls would fail such a test.
Give my regards to Cousin Gizzard and the hatchlings. Remind young Roro to sit proud and tall when he basks—he comes from a long line of noble warm-blooded warriors, and he’ll one day carry the family jowls into glory.
With love, pride, and yolk on my claws,
General Roronius J. Scales
1st Red Regiment, Crimson Crest Battalion
P.S. Please send more eggies. The men are getting twitchy. A lizard can only eat so many shrimp before things get uncivilized.
