07/07/2025
📄 VETERINARY INCIDENT REPORT
CONFIDENTIAL — DO NOT POST TO FACEBOOK. AGAIN.
Patient: Vaughn
Species: Canine (allegedly)
Breed: Pug
Color: Emotional Damage
Date: [Today. Unfortunately.]
Location: Exam Room 2 (Quarantined)
Attending Personnel:
Technician A (Handler)
Technician B (Peanut Butter Deployment)
Technician C (Sacrificial Scout)
Witness: Stylo (Borderline Catatonic)
🎯 REASON FOR VISIT
Scheduled nail trim.
(See: “Theoretical Goals” in veterinary textbooks. Chapter 9: They Never Let You Finish the Nails.)
🧭 EVENT TIMELINE – AS IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
11:04 AM – Arrival
Patient enters facility confidently and without malice.
Tail wagging, tongue flapping, spinning in delighted circles.
Immediate flirtation with front desk staff.
Dropped to floor for belly rubs. Voluntary.
11:06 AM – Exam Room Entry
Patient guided into Exam Room 2 with minimal resistance.
Peanut butter mat prepared and mounted to wall.
Patient engaged in rhythmic licking — steady tempo, focused posture.
11:07 AM – Clippers Presented
Patient continues licking but makes brief eye contact. Pupils dilate. Tongue pauses mid-lick.
Behavioral shift noted: full-body stillness.
Atmosphere changes. Room temperature drops three degrees.
11:07:12 AM – First Contact
Restraint applied lightly across torso.
Patient freezes.
Three seconds of silence.
Then: ignition.
🔥 PHASE I – DETONATION
11:07:15 AM
Patient erupts into multi-limbed chaos.
All legs engage independently.
Vet tech A attempts stabilization — is immediately launched backward three feet by “inverted mule kick.”
Patient rotates 270° in air. Snorts violently. Peanut butter mat detaches from wall.
💥 PHASE II – ESCAPE ATTEMPT
11:07:30 AM
Patient performs evasive maneuver: Side Table Slide & Wall Crab Shuffle.
Crab-walks into corner. Attempts to tunnel through drywall.
Tech B deploys towel: full coverage achieved for approx. 0.8 seconds.
Towel disintegrates. Patient reappears. Howling.
Stylo (witness) seen pressing forehead to fish tank. Not blinking. Possibly praying.
🚨 PHASE III – TEAM RESPONSE
11:08 AM
Three-technician engagement protocol activated.
Patient flips sideways into “Angry Dumpling Position.”
Momentary stillness. Clipper applied to single rear paw.
Patient screams. Not barks — screams.
A**l glands deploy without warning.
Direct hit:
Tech A: right thigh
Tech C: left sleeve
Peanut butter mat: compromised
Patient uses abdominal strength to fling body off table with technician still attached.
Contact with floor: minimal. Rebounds.
💀 PHASE IV – CATASTROPHIC FAILURE
11:09 AM
Room declared hostile territory.
One technician armored in second towel, now soaked in glandular discharge and regret.
Tech C attempts reasoning: “It’s okay, buddy.”
Patient responds by trying to backflip through the cabinetry.
Clipper flung under mini fridge.
Tech A whispers, “Abort.”
Dr. [Name redacted] confirms: Nails will remain long.
🧘 POST-INCIDENT NOTES
11:10 AM
Patient returned to lobby. Tail wag restored.
Mood: jubilant. Memory: wiped. Tongue: out.
Greets receptionist with single kiss. Appears spiritually reborn.
Stylo remains unresponsive.
Vitals stable, but emotionally vacant.
Positioned in lobby like haunted lawn gnome, staring into the void.
🧴 ROOM STATUS
Mat destroyed
Wall contaminated
Ceiling inexplicably marked
Room 2 now designated for mop storage and grief counseling
🩺 SUMMARY & RECOMMENDATIONS
Nails: Not trimmed
Glands: Emptied (aggressively, involuntarily, effectively)
Peanut Butter: Everywhere
Staff Morale: Critically low
Stylo: Still buffering
Next Appointment:
Pre-medication required.
Protective gear advised.
Consider requesting local clergy '
