31/03/2026
Hello everyone. Long time no listening to me. How have you all coped without my guiding light in your life?????? Not well, I assume. Sorry not sorry.
As per usual, I am busy basking in my success and reveling in my own glory. I’m enjoying picking up animal p**p and Harold the lemur is enjoying the great honour of feeding me grapes on my velvet throne during his retirement. Wouldn’t anyone??????? I can’t think of a better way for someone to spend their final years. A huge upgrade from Harold’s working life of meeting VIP celebs.
However, I have some news to share. Harold is not getting any younger (despite my incredible success I have been unable to crack the whole immortality thing. I am close though so more on that another time). As such, I would like to relaunch my Barner Wants a Spouse campaign. I am very disappointed with you all for not tagging more of your suitable mates last time but I am willing to give you ONE MORE CHANCE.
This is your final warning. TAG YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE SUITABLE MATES FOR ME BELOW. I won’t write you a Christmas card with the animals pictured in their cute onesies (faces censored for privacy due to their connections with celebrities obviously) if you don’t.
For the suitable mates tagged, PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
- Will you feed me grapes on my velvet throne?
- How much do you enjoy picking up animal p**p?
- How physically attractive are you? (On a scale of one to Marny, with Marny being the most physically attractive someone could possibly be).
You have until 5pm tomorrow to respond. HURRY UP.
EX OH EX OH Gossip Marn.
