03/04/2026
The putdowns (overt & subtle), the gaslighting, demanding you run past almost every decision about your horse by them, "I must be there to warm you up" for comps, blah blah, figjam.
If you feel like crap when thinking of or having time with your instructor/coach/orwhatevertitletheydermand, listen to yourself. Cut the ties to the toxic relationship. There is no need to stay part of the "cult"
Dr Appleton has good observations in her article
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1G1Jua5keo/
A Note to the Loud, the Legendary, and the Pretty Unhelpful
There’s a particular kind of coach or trainer that turns up to clinics convinced they are the standard everyone else should aspire to. You’ll recognise them immediately. Not because of what they teach, but because of how they behave.
They run out of patience fast. There’s an eye roll within minutes, a sigh not long after, and then the steady escalation into louder and louder instructions, as though increasing decibels might eventually produce understanding. When things really aren’t going well, they reach for their favourite teaching tool and simply take the horse off the person.
Nothing says “excellent coach” quite like removing the learning opportunity and replacing it with a flawless demonstration of your own ability.
“See? Like that.”
Brilliant. Shall we also teach someone to swim by jumping in and doing laps while they stand on the edge feeling increasingly inadequate?
And heaven help the person who is unsure of themselves.
The hesitant ones. The over-thinkers. The worriers. The people who are trying, but don’t yet have the clarity or confidence to execute. These individuals seem to trigger a very specific response, as though their learning process is a personal inconvenience rather than the entire point of the exercise.
So they get louder. Sharper. More impatient. As if pressure might somehow compress confusion into competence.
Then there’s the other behaviour that quietly tags along with this style of coaching. The subtle tall poppy work. The moment someone shows a bit of feel, asks a thoughtful question, or accidentally exposes a gap in the method. Suddenly they need to be corrected, brought down, managed.
Because nothing unsettles fragile expertise quite like a student who starts to think, or worse, starts to get good.
Meanwhile, I meet the people who have been through this.
They arrive careful. Slightly apologetic. Already bracing for doing it wrong. Some have felt embarrassed, some have felt humiliated, and some have watched their horse handled in a way that didn’t sit right, while being told this was necessary.
And here’s the part that seems to be missed.
If someone is paying you to teach them, then working with the human in front of you is not optional. It is the job.
Not just the confident ones. Not just the coordinated ones. Not just the ones that make you look good.
All of them.
Because the people you dismiss as too soft, too timid, too stuck in their heads are often the most trainable when handled well. They are paying attention. They are trying to understand. They are not bluffing their way through. They are available for learning.
And I can take those people and build them.
I can help them become confident, capable, effective with their horses. Not by throwing them in the deep end or overwhelming them, but by actually teaching them. By meeting them where they are, giving them structure, lending them thinking when they are stuck, and challenging them without crushing them.
That is not softness. That is skill. Skill I put a lot of effort into.
Because what your approach actually produces is not resilience or confidence. It produces people who either try to appease you in the moment or fall apart when they get home. Confidence built under pressure does not travel well. It stays exactly where it was created, under your supervision.
So here’s the challenge.
If you cannot teach the hesitant, the over-thinking, the unsure… if you cannot take that person and develop them into someone capable…
…then you are the equivalent of a horse trainer who can only ride easy horses.😎
And that’s not high standards.
That’s limited skill.
So you can keep the eye rolls, the volume, and the performances that look impressive for five minutes and unravel quietly afterwards.
Or you can step up and learn how to actually coach.
Because the people in front of you are not just handing over money. They are handing over trust, effort, and a fair bit of vulnerability.
What you do with that determines whether you’re actually a coach… or just playing the part.
Collectable Advice 190/365. Hit Share or Save, but please no copying and pasting :)
For those interested my next enrolment into my Human Side of Horsemanship course intensive, see below.
