27/05/2026
Safety and Security (May 2026)
… Are things that other companies take seriously. The Bulimba Oyster Company decided to keep our powder dry and waited for more than a year to attempt to install the camera we were given, as well as over 4 years to begin repairing the deck on our platform that only one farmer has fallen through once, although it also tends to trigger people to randomly utter ‘Sh*t, that’s dodgy’ whenever they set foot on it.
After a pub meeting we reached a quorum that farming is what farmers use farms for. With oysters in the water our first order of business was putting together a camera that we were given following the QOGA AGM of 2025 (That’s the Queensland Oyster Growers Association Annual General Meeting for those who move in less esteemed circles). Kieron spent time connecting wires together like he was making a door alarm in front of a 200 in 1 Dick Smith Electronics kit. Brett watched Kieron and Rob do an impromptu robot dance as they both pointed in differing directions trying to figure out where north west was for the solar panel. Most wires connected to other wires and we could zip tie the others together later so chucked all the stuff in the back of a car and decided we’d sort the rest out in the morning.
Six farmers assembled at 6am for a big trip to the farm. At Victoria Point we suffered our first major setback. No one had packed beers. We didn’t let that break our spirit and chose to forge on. Three boats set off from three different locations and it looked like the Normandy landing at the platform but instead of avoiding enemy troops we tried not to drive over each other’s anchor lines. Our greatest hardship was jumping out of the boat too early and suffering terribly as water came into direct contact with our testicles.
Wood from Rob’s home renovation was carried onto the platform to replace the asbestos and tissue paper. The curse words per minute counter rose exponentially as we realised we needed decking skills in order to lay decking. Dougie Armitage came home that day with no decking skills but a hugely expanded vocabulary of vulgarity. After getting into a groove the farmers on the southern side of the deck decided to lay boards using their eye, instead of things that people who are good at laying decks use, like spacers and pride in their work. Gaps appeared faster than in the mouth of a m**h head.
In the meantime the camera pole was forcing into the sandy bottom and saw more sexual double entendre’s than the Porky’s trilogy. Scott and Aidan risked their lives trying to pop the solar panel on the top, whilst Kieron and Ben did things like putting their hands in the air nearby. After simulating Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima it was almost in position.
Rain squalls came and went, dropped drill bits rained down onto the sea floor. Dougie Armitage repeated the Bulimba Oyster Company mantra ‘This is soooo sketchy.’ Throughout it all things went pretty much according to plan until we realised the solar panel didn’t fit and our camera would have to sit there like a policeman with his eyes painted on. We figured that unless you wanted to steal a tetanus infection or view an example of how to lay a slap dash sh*****se deck it would be safe to do another day anyway.
Upon discovering the pie shop was shut we scrambled to the local brewery for beer and pizza. Sentiments were shared that we should’ve done the stuff we did ages ago and we made a pact to rip into it before no doubt repeating history. That’s the Bulimba Ouster Company way. Perfect is the enemy of doing it later and sh*ttier.
