21/02/2025
The Stardom (January 2025)
After meeting with our media manager, the wonderful Jennifer, we received big news. As we are extremely modest, we didn’t think ourselves capable of changing the media landscape in Australia overnight. Jennifer saw potential. She drank in our boyish charm and incandescent charisma. Kieron’s cerulean blue eyes made her feel dizzy and break into fits of giggles for no good reason. Not since Chris Hemsworth’s Home and Away debut had someone captivated a nation like Farmer Kieron was about to do.
Jennifer put together a synopsis of the story and attached a photo of Kieron gazing across the bay, with his azure windows to the soul on full display. Networks from across the world engaged in a frenzied bidding war* for the story of the century.** The farmers got together to filter through the flood of offers.***We settled on the idea that respected journalists should cover something of this magnitude so it was a natural fit that we chose A Current Affair. The days following were a period of heavy contemplation. Brett had to decide whether to keep Katie and the kids in his stratospheric orbit, or whether he should dump Katie for one of the women who was on MAFS last season and embrace his new life as a celebrity tycoon. His decision was made when Katie informed him that he’s still a wa**er who couldn’t pick up his wallet regardless of whether he won a Nobel prize or saved Earth from a killer asteroid. Brett chose to stay humble and was instantly self appointed as one of the Australian media’s ’nice guys.’
The Sun rose fast, it was anticipating the story of the century too. Reporter Reece arrived with the sound and visual guys and met us at the ferry. As soon as Reece set foot on dry land he looked at Kieron and struggled to maintain his composure. ‘Your eyes. Wow! Please keep your sunglasses on so I can concentrate’ may have been what he was thinking. Kieron was immediately anointed as the ‘Master Talent’ for the story. Scott, Matt and Brett were allowed to hang about, if they really had to, and didn’t have to put their sunnies on as they all have eyes the colour of bog water and heads for radio. Reece took a seat next to Kieron and they made a beeline for the lease with Scott and Brett being the 3rd and 4th wheels on board and desperately adding a comment here and there to only be given a glare that said, ‘Shut up, S**t Eyes. Kieron is talking.’ Matt took the sound and audio guys in Rob’s boat. Rob generously let us borrow his boat but couldn’t be there as his company had been the target of more ACA hit jobs than a Mexican Drug Cartel.
We got to the lease and the filming commenced. The boys from ACA were excellent value and let Scott and Brett stand in waste deep water and drag the tinnie, holding Kieron and Reece, towards the platform so Master Talent and the reporter stayed dry. Matt was asked to take the other boat away and spent his time giving Rob’s new boat a hiding and doing more Doughnuts than a Saturday at Summernats. Kieron was then interviewed on the platform and looked absolutely resplendent. He was Poseidon in a Bulimba Oyster Company shirt! The theft was spoken about at length. It was serious business and Reece decided that Kieron should keep his sunglasses on, so that viewers listened to Kieron’s words instead of devouring him with their eyes.
After the A Current Affair boys deliberated it was decided that Matt’s hands could be used to film a 1.3 second shot holding some baby oysters. It was rare proof that his hands did not contain a beer or two. Brett and Scott were also permitted to hold oyster baskets in the background of some shots, if they promised to keep their heads outside focal length.
The sun began to set and it must be said, on a serious note (for once) that Reece and the ACA crew were fantastic. They gave us the time and went out of their way to make the story as meaningful as possible. We gave them a lift back to the mainland and said our goodbyes. Reece asked Kieron to take those sunnies off and spent one last moment drinking in those ice blue eyes. On the drive home we observed regular people going about their day and we admired the anonymity they enjoyed. It was touching that despite the fact they led basic, non celebrity lives that they could somehow still be happy and find some meaning.
Rob’s boat was given a quick wash down and we beat a path to the Taphouse. Eyes followed us everywhere. If Kieron ordered a certain beer then the punters instantly ordered it too, until the keg ran dry. If Kieron went to the toilet then girls were pushing past each other in the hope he’d left the used hand towel in the bin and if it could be sold at Sotheby’s. It was time to wait until the Aussie Open tennis was done, as Channel 9 didn’t want its ratings to tank being pitched again the night of the Bulimba Oyster Company.
Just like James Dean and Brylcreem, Farmer Kieron had made oysters cool again.
*there was no frenzied bidding war
**it wasn’t the story of the century
***there was one offer and we took it
