04/12/2025
How to give your cat a pill 😃
1- Pick up the cat, and hold them on your left arm as you would hold a baby. Position the index and thumb fingers of your left hand to apply a soft pressure to the cat's cheeks, while you hold the pill with your right hand. When the cat opens their mouth, toss the pill in. Allow them to close their mouth so they can swallow the pill.
2- Pick the pill off the ground, and pick the cat up from behind the couch. Hold the cat as instructed in step 1, and repeat the process.
3- Bring the cat from your bedroom and throw the now spit-covered pill to the trash bin.
4- Grab a new pill, hold the cat, now with your right arm, keeping their back legs firmly held with your left hand. Force their jaw open and push the pill inside with your thumb. Keep the cat's mouth shut while you count up to ten.
5- Take the pill out of the fish bowl and search for the cat behind the fridge. Call your wife.
6- Kneel on the ground with the cat firmly held between your knees. Keep their rear and front legs pinned in place. Ignore the growls the cat will now be emitting. Ask your wife to hold the cat's head with one hand while you open its mouth with a wooden ruler. Toss the pill in and rub the cat's throat to force him to swallow it.
7- Peel the cat off the wall. Get a new pill. Remember to buy a new wooden ruler and repair the curtains as soon as you can. Mop the ground and gather the pieces of all the porcelain jars and plates you used to have.
8- Wrap the cat in a large towel and ask your wife to keep them stretched, with only the head visible. Put the pill inside a drinking straw. Open the cat's mouth with a pencil. Put an end of the straw in the cat's mouth, and then blow into the other end.
9- Read the pill's box to make sure the pill isn't harmful for human beings. Drink a glass of water to recover your sense of taste. Apply bandages to your wife's arms and clean the blood off the carpet.
10- Get the cat back from the neighbour's house. Grab another pill. Place the cat in your wardrobe, and slowly close its door on their neck, leaving only their head outside. Force their mouth open with a metal spoon. Fling the pill into their throat with a rubber band.
11- Search for a screwdriver in order to put the wardrobe's door back in its proper place. Apply bandages to your arms and legs, and verify when you got your last tetanus shot. Toss the shirt you were wearing, which used to not be in rags, into the trash bin and wear another one.
12- Call the fire department to get your cat off the tree across your street. Apologize to your neighbour, who crashed into a wall while running away from the enraged cat. Get the last pill from the box.
13- Tie the cat's front and rear paws together with a strong rope, leaving enough rope to tie them to the kitchen table. Wear heavy duty gloves. Keep the cat's mouth open with a car jack. Put the pill in their mouth, followed by a large slice of meat. Keep the cat's mouth vertical and drop half a liter of water in to ensure the pill is properly swallowed.
14- Get your wife, if she can still drive, to get you to the hospital. Sit calmly while the doctor disinfects and bandages your fingers and forehead, and then wait until they remove the pill from your eye. On your way back, stop in the furniture store to buy a new kitchen table.
15- Call the nearest pet shop, and find out how much a hamster, parrot or any other non-feline pet would cost.
Hope this helps you next time you have to give your cat a pill.
