20/11/2015
Today is the anniversary of my sister's death two years ago. Below is mommy's letter to her. Hold on tight to your little ones!
Penny-
Today is November 19th 2015. Two years to the day that you left my life forever. Only physically though I should say, because not a single day has gone by in the past two years where you don’t cross my mind at least once.
People like to say “it was ‘just’ a dog,” but you were much more than that. You were everything I needed-right when I needed it. You were the kiss at the end of a long hard day. You were the happy little greeting every time I came through the door. You were a best friend to hold onto after tough medical diagnoses. You were a comforter after those procedures, and you were a motivator to get better afterwards.
I still feel guilty to this day about your death. I know in the end I made the best decision for you, but I wish more than anything I could go back in time and save you. All I wanted to do was save you. Save you for you. Save you for me. Save you for us. It’s the hardest thing when the thing you love most in this world is suffering and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. I made a commitment to keep you safe and always protect you, and I couldn’t help you. I’ve never felt so desperate and helpless before or since.
You were only 2 ½ years old. Your beautiful life was cut way too short. You had so many years left to run and play. I thought we had at least 10 years left to go on adventures and then cuddle at the end of the day. I wasn’t ready for your little light to leave my life. Our story wasn’t supposed to end this soon. But, that’s the thing about death-we don’t get to write the ending to that story.
I’ve gone over all the what-if’s a million times. What-if I hadn’t let you outside when I did? What-if I had called you in a few seconds sooner? What-if you had just eaten some grass instead of that poisonous plant/mushroom? What-if the vet had caught it sooner and didn’t think it was just another stomach-ache? Could they have stopped it before it shut down your little body? What-if I had had thousands of dollars to pay for your treatment? Could they have saved you? Is it possible that you would’ve made it, and we’d be at the dog park right now? That his would be the story of the time I almost lost my precious little girl-and not the story of how I did? But, the what-if’s only make me more upset. The what-if’s will get you every time.
I was so careful with you. In my mind, nothing bad could ever happen to you, because I was so protective. I had you on great food and a vet plan. I took you to the vet for any little thing that popped up. I researched all the diseases that Yorkie’s were prone to, and watched for symptoms. I had 3 emergency vets on speed dial-just in case. I even kept that huge dog-first aid book readily available in case anything ever came up. Unfortunately, that just wasn’t enough.
At first, when the vet called me back, I refused to let statistics determine when our time would be up. I just couldn’t accept that you were dying. You were only 2 ½ years old, and just 3 days ago had not a care in the world. I wasn’t ready to give up. I could’ve never guessed 3 days earlier that I’d be sitting at the emergency vet’s office battling over the thought of having you put to sleep. I couldn’t imagine you not being in my life. I sat in that room for about 4 hours with you deciding what to do. Truthfully, I knew 3 hours earlier (when they told me that you had no chance at a good quality of life-that you were too far gone) what I needed to do. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. To say the words and sign the paper.
But then you mustered the strength to lift your head and look at me for the first time in a while. You made this small, weak noise, and I knew right away. You were ready. You couldn’t fight anymore. You were asking me to make the decision I needed to make for you. And just like with everything else I could never tell you no. Over the past 3 days you had been seizing, pricked, prodded and hooked up to a bunch of machines. You were too weak to do much of anything. Your small body was covered in bruises from the internal bleeding, and your organs were shutting down.
Your whole life you gave me undying love and loyalty. I owed it to you to let you pass, and not keep you here in pain just to have one more minute with you. I called the vet in right away before I could change my mind. I signed the paper, and the vet quickly explained the process. I held you for the last time, and just like that you were gone. It was so fast, and I really wasn’t ready, but I knew you were.
I went to bed without you that night and cried. I couldn’t sleep. In the morning, I cried again when I saw the ray of sunshine on the floor where you always laid. Your spot was empty. Your things were everywhere just where you left them. I don’t know why I thought you needed so many toys. I guess just because you deserved them, and I loved watching your little nub wag every time I brought you home a new toy.
A few day later I picked up the small, wooden box your ashes are in. I had a little clay memorial statue made of you, and my friends had an oil painting done. Those are three of my most treasured possessions. Those and the little trunk full of your things that I still go through from time to time. It has the Christmas sweaters in it that I got you that year, and you never got the chance to wear. I miss you beautiful girl and I always will.
I love you little butterfly- two years gone, but NEVER forgotten.
I'm an adorable 3 year old Yorkie :) I just want to spread some love and happiness! Lets be furiends
