The Conan Chronicles: Conversations With My Dog (2025)

13/12/2024

Me: Hey, you ready for the break?
Conan: Break? Us? You and me on a break? Finally! Yes, of course I need a break from you. You've been a little bit more...what's the word I'm looking for? Annoying? No, that's too on the nose....maybe exhausting? No, exhaustingly annoying. That's it. So, in short, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I need a break from you.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: I meant Christmas break.
Conan: Oh.

Hi, folks, as per Conan's contract he'll be taking his winter vacation till 2025. We will be back in January as adequately funny as ever!

We hope that you all have a wonderful time celebrating whichever holiday you and yours choose to celebrate during this holiday season.

Happy Holidays! Happy New Year!

See ya in 2025,

Conan and his Elves

(P.S. - We'll probably sneak a pic or two in over the next few weeks)

🎄

11/12/2024

Conan: How's the new sweater look?
Me: You look sharp.
Conan: Thanks. My aunt got it for me.
Me: Yeah, I know. We were the ones who gave it to you and told that she had given it to you.
Conan: Oh, was that you?
Me: What? Who else did you think did it?
Conan: I don't know. My staff rotates so much that I lose track.
Me: ...
Conan: What? Why are you looking at me like that? Is your shift over? Do you want a tip or something?
Me: You're so annoying.
Conan: I'm gonna note your snarkiness on your annual review.
Me: Whatever.
Conan: This is going to affect your raise.

08/12/2024

Birthday Fiesta Update:

Conan got his filet and sweet potato! After a moment of appreciation to his Lady Human for preparing this delicacy he treated it like a humpback whale scooping up two tons of krill.

Conan is now sated and taking a post Birthday dinner nap.

Please do not disturb.

08/12/2024

EDIT: Sorry for any confusion with the post, folks! Conan is 10 today but we've been doing the Conan Chronicles for 9 years!

Hi, Everyone,

We just wanted to take a moment and wish this grumpy old man a Happy 10th Birthday! He looks grumpy in this picture because he was waiting to have breakfast.

Another year has passed and Conan begins his birthday weekend celebration right now. Our best little buddy turns 10 today and he plans on eatin' like an elephant and movin' like a sloth. He considers both elephants and sloths as his spirit animals because they possess his favorite qualities.

Conan may come off at times as a real tough guy who doesn't have time for feelings but he really is just a big old marshmallow on the inside. He loves his friends and family and he truly loves helping others (as long as people don't start getting emotional about it).

So, in keeping with tradition to celebrate his birthday this year Conan once again asked that we raise money to support groups or organizations that are trying to do good in this world for those less fortunate than him.

The community that we have formed here at the Chronicles has members from all over the globe and all walks of life brought together because we all get a kick out of a sweet, lovable, and goofy dog. We have grown leaps and bounds over the 9 years that we've been doing this and that is a credit to you. I think we started with a handful of followers (pretty much just my family and friends who indulged us by clicking the like button) to a thriving community of over 3,000 strangers (now friends) who share a common bond of fellowship.

This year we chose to not pick a specific organization to focus and instead we ask that to honor Conan's birthday that you make a small donation to your local or favorite rescue. This donation can be in money, time, or goods. It does not matter as long as it helps those in need this holiday season.

That's it. That's all we ask. Celebrate Conan and his birthday by giving back in whatever way you can to rescues and shelters.

Another year around the sun for our pal and he is still going strong. We hope to celebrate another 10 with all of you. Drop Conan a Happy Birthday in the comments and we will be sure to read them all to him.

Thank you,

Conan and his support staff

P.S. -
Conan's Lady Human went out and bought a filet for his birthday dinner today and I'm hoping that there are some scraps leftover for me.

06/12/2024

Me: Hey, do you know what Sunday is?
Conan: A day of the week.
Me: No, I meant do you know what this upcoming Sunday is?
Conan: No.
Me: Really?
Conan: Not a clue.
Me: It's your 10th birthday.
Conan: FOR REAL?!
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: That's sarcasm. You knew.
Conan: Of course I did, I sent you my list of approved presents a month ago.
Me: Yeah, I know. How did you learn to use Excel?
Conan: YouTube.
Me: I really need to set the parental controls on the internet.
Conan: You can't. I changed the password.
Me: Dammit.

Tune in Sunday for our annual Conan's Birthday Fundraiser for a worthy rescue!

04/12/2024

Me: Hey.
Conan: Mondays, am I right?
Me: It's Wednesday.
Conan: For reals? Did I...
Me: Did you sleep through another Tuesday again? Yes, yes you did.
Conan: Ha! Classic me.
Me: You need to do more with your life?
Conan: Like sleep through a Tuesday and a Wednesday?
Me: No, I meant...
Conan: I like you're gumption. Son of a beagle, I'm in. Talk to ya on Thursday!
Me: ...
Conan: Hit the light on your way out, it's too bright in here.
Me: It's five o'clock in the afternoon and you're in the living room.
Conan: Less talking and more light switching.

02/12/2024

Me: I told you that was too much turkey.
Conan: Okay, fine, maybe it was but that's no reason to bring me to the vet.
Me: Conan, the things that came out of you prompted this.
Conan: Oh, what's a little vomit between friends?
Me: It was so many large chunks of turkey, Conan.
Conan: You're exaggerating.
Me: I swear we could've pieced together a whole turkey...maybe two.
Conan: Still, no reason for this.
Me: Why did you aim for my closet, Conan? WHY?!
Conan: It was either your closet or my stuffed ducky. Choices had to be made quickly.
Me: STUFFED DUCKY, CONAN! STUFFED DUCKY!
Conan: But it's my favorite stuffed ducky.
Me: YOU'VE GOT FIVE STUFFED DUCKS!
Conan: Yeah, and the one you wanted me to puke on was my favorite!
Me: I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO PUKE ON ANYTHING, CONAN! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO EAT A WHOLE FREAKIN' TURKEY EITHER THOUGH!
Conan: I think you're splitting hairs to be honest.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: I'm gonna ask them to give you a colonoscopy just to be safe.
Conan: WHAT?!

# #

28/11/2024

Me; What are you doing?
Conan: Waiting.
Me: You've already had breakfast.
Conan: I know.
Me: So then what...wait, are you waiting for dinner?
Conan: I just want to make sure I don't miss it.
Me: Conan, dinner isn't for, like, another six hours.
Conan: I don't plan on missing anything. Bring it on.
Me: Alright, I guess you can just sit there and watch the turkey cook.
Conan: I've got it locked in my sights.
Me: Okay, cool. Keep us posted if it tries to escape.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: Can it do that?
Me: No, Conan, it can't. That was just a joke.
Conan: Phew, for a second there I thought I was gonna have to fight a turkey.
Me: You're safe.
Conan: That's reassuring.
Me: Okay, well, I'm going to go do stuff while you wait.
Conan: I'll be here.
Me: Hey, I did want to ask though, how'd you get that plate out of the cabinet?
Conan: Don't ask questions you don't want answers to, Champ.
Me; Right, right.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

25/11/2024

Me: What are you doing?
Conan: Watching Christmas movies.
Me: Cool, which one?
Conan: I'm watching only the greatest Christmas trilogy of all time.
Me: Christmas trilogy?
Conan: Yeah, the greatest one too.
Me: the only trilogy I can think of are those Santa Clause movies. Those are pretty good.
Conan: Puh, cheap schmaltz.
Me: I don't know, they're pretty fun.
Conan: Schmaltz! The plot is weak, the writing subpar, and the acting? Please, I've seen better acting at a grade school production of Macbeth.
Me: When have you seen a grade school production of anything?
Conan: I had a life before you.
Me: We adopted you when you were four months old!
Conan: It was a simple life but it was a life.
Me: Fine, whatever. So what is this amazing Christmas trilogy of yours.
Conan: Oh, A Christmas Prince.
Me: What?
Conan: Yeah, starts with A Christmas Prince, then we slide into A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, and then, yup, you guessed it, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby. I'm shocked you've never watched these. I thought you had good taste in movies. I think these won Academy awards.
Me: In which category?!?!
Conan: Uh, all of them if people have any taste. Sit down this is an awesome part, Emily is about to find out that Martha her American tutor isn't really Martha but that she's actually Amber, an American journalist. This is top tier drama wrapped in candy canes.
Me: ...
Conan: What?
Me: Nothing but after the holidays we're gonna have to have a serious conversation about your tv watching habits.
Conan: Cool, sounds great, now start the fire, light that peppermint candle and dim the lights. I'm settling in for a long winter's nap.
Me: We don't even have a fireplace.

22/11/2024

Me: Did you just stick your tongue out at me?
Conan: What? No, I, uh, was licking my lips.
Me: I don't believe you.
Conan: That's a you problem, not a me problem.
Me: You keep sticking your tongue out at me and it's gonna be a you problem.
Conan: I agree, it's a you problem.
Me: No, I mean it's a YOU problem.
Conan: Yeah, I get it! It's a YOU problem.
Me: NO! IT'S...no, I'm not gonna let you do this to me again. You get me into these circular arguments and then my blood pressure skyrockets and then I have to eat cookies. I'm done. You win. You weren't sticking your tongue out at me. I concede. You win.
Conan: It's not about winning, it's just about me being right and you being wrong.
Me: I'm...I'm just going to walk away and find something more productive to do with my time.
Conan: That's probably for the best.
Me: Whatever.
Conan: ...
Me: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Conan: Did what?

20/11/2024

Conan: I can do it.
Me: No, you can't, Conan.
Conan: How far did you say it was?
Me: Dude, it's like 25 feet. There's no way you can jump 25 feet!
Conan: JUMPED!?! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN JUMP 25 FEET!
Me: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING! WHY ARE WE EVEN ARGUING ABOUT THIS?!?
Conan: I can't jump it but...I'm pretty sure I can run across it.
Me: What?!
Conan: I can run 25 feet.
Me: NOT OVER WATER!
Conan: I'm really fast though.
Me: ...
Conan: ...
Me: You know what? Go for it.
Conan: What?
Me; Go ahead. Prove me wrong. Go run 25 feet over that body of water. I'm keen to see what happens.
Conan: Well...
Me: Go ahead, Carl Lewis.
Conan: Who?
Me: Carl Lewis. He was an Olympic sprinter.
Conan: When? In, like, the 1900s?
Me: Actually...yeah.
Conan: Wow, you're old.
Me: Are you going to run across the water or not?
Conan: Nah, the moment has passed, besides at your age I'm afraid the excitement might kill ya.
Me: You're a jerk.

18/11/2024

Conan: So where is it?
Me: Where's what?
Conan: The burger joint you told me about. The one you said we'd go to if I went on this hike with you.
Me: What are you talking about?
Conan: You promised me burgers if I went on this stupid hike with you.
Me: I don't think that's true.
Conan: Am I living in an alternate reality here, man?!
Me: I don't think so.
Conan: And you're now trying to claim that you didn't convince me to come on this dumb hike with promises of burgers afterwards?
Me: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Conan: So you didn't say - Hey, Conehead, do you want to come on a hike with me? We'll pass by a burger place on the way home. - You didn't say those exact words for me no more that an hour ago?
Me: I..
Conan: I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!!
Me: I was answering.
Conan: Right, sorry.
Me: I did say those EXACT words to you.
Conan: J'accuse! So you admit you promised to take me for burgers!?!
Me: I promised you that we'd pass a burger place on the way home.
Conan: EXACTLY!
Me: And we will, we'll pass like five of them actually.
Conan: Oh...wait.
Me: ...
Conan: I've been hoodwinked. You've hoodwinked me.
Me: Come on. We've got like five more miles to go.
Conan: ...
Me: ...
Conan: One of us isn't making it back to the car.
Me: It better be me because you don't know how to drive.
Conan: HOODWINKED!

#

15/11/2024

Conan: I've got a question.
Me: Shoot.
Conan: I've been watching the Lion King a lot lately.
Me: That's not a question.
Conan: I know, I'm getting to the question, I was just giving you some background.
Me: Got it.
Conan: Like I was saying, I've been watching a lot of the Lion King lately.
Me: Like five times a day.
Conan: I said A LOT.
Me: Right.
Conan: Anyway, I've been watch...
Me: I get it! What's your question?
Conan: You know that scene with Simba and Mufasa when they're looking out at the land and Mufasa tells him that they own all the land they can see?
Me: Sure.
Conan: Well, like, how much land do we own here? Is it everything my eye can see?
Me: Our property line goes to there.
Conan: That's it?!
Me: Well, I mean, it's a yard. We have neighbors.
Conan: So we don't own that land over there?
Me: No.
Conan: Or that?
Me: No.
Conan: Or that over there? By the big tree?
Me: Conan, we live in suburbia in the United States not the Pride Lands of Tanzania. We have neighbors all around us.
Conan: Hmm...well, that's a bummer.
Me: Yeah, uh, I guess, sorry?
Conan: Yeah, that's ok. Let's go get a gelato.

13/11/2024

Me: What?
Conan: There's a nicer way to say that.
Me: Ah, greetings, my esteemed friend! To what serendipitous circumstance do I attribute the honor of your delightful presence? I earnestly wish that this extraordinary encounter may be cherished for all eternity!
Conan: That seems a bit much.
Me: What do you want?
Conan: I just want a pleasant greeting without all of the sarcasm. Is that so much to ask?
Me: You're right and I'm sorry. Hey, Pal, what's going on?
Conan: Much better.
Me: Cool. What's up?
Conan: I just wanted to let you know that the toilet downstairs is overflowing.
Me: WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT FIRST?!?!
Conan: I didn't like your attitude.
Me: DAMMIT, CONAN!
Conan: IF YOU FIND MR. SNUFFLES IN THERE, HE JUMPED IN BY HIMSELF! NOBODY HELPED HIM! DID YOU HEAR ME?
Me: ...
Conan: No, he's already downstairs. Oh, look, he left his cookie. Sweet.

11/11/2024

Conan: The sun hurts my eyes when I turn this way.
Me: So don't turn this way.
Conan: But how else am I supposed to know that you're still there.
Me: You're attached by a leash, that's in my hand.
Conan: Yeah, but what if you fall down or you drop the leash because your hands are all greasy from whatever disgusting thing you're eating?
Me: Hurtful but fair. Well, you could always just walk next to me so you'd see me at all times.
Conan: Hmmm...
Me: ...
Conan: No, that won't work.
Me: What? Why not?
Conan: Because people might think that we're equals.
Me: Dude.

🌞

08/11/2024

Conan: What's this?
Me: Your new little hideaway.
Conan: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, your mom got it for you.
Conan: My lady Human got this? For me?
Me: Yeah. She thought you might like it.
Conan: Like it? I frickin' love it! It's like camping but without having to go out in nature, it's so dirty out there. It's the best of all worlds!
Me: Well, we're glad you like it.
Conan: One question though.
Me: Okay.
Conan: Is the whirlpool bath on it's way or...
Me: You're unbelievable.

06/11/2024

Me: How do you like your new bed.
Conan: It's pretty okay.
Me: Just okay?
Conan: It's a little lumpy.
Me: Oh, I see.
Conan: Maybe you could make it less lumpy?
Me: Well, I could try or...and hear me out here...maybe you could be less, what's the the word I'm looking for, maybe you could be a bit less...amorous with your brand new bed?
Conan: What does...oh, that. I was just trying to figure out the comfy bits.

04/11/2024

Conan: Why isn't he throwing it? WHY ISN'T HE THROWING IT!?!?!
Me: Why don't you just ask him?
Conan: Uh...hey...kid...throw the ball!
Me: You don't know his name, do you?
Conan: It's Kid, isn't it?
Me: No.
Conan: Wait, it's not Conan, is it?
Me: No, that's your name.
Conan: Right, right, that's why it sounded familiar.
Me: That's your cousin up there throwing you the ball.
Conan: Ohhh...right, Dog, that's embarrassing isn't it? I feel like a do**us.
Me: Well...
Conan: No, I got it, I've got it this time.
Me: Ok, try again.
Conan: Hey! Cousin, throw the dang ball!!
Me: That's...that's not...just forget it. Cousin is close enough.

The Conan Chronicles: Conversations With My Dog

13/12/2024

11/12/2024

08/12/2024

08/12/2024

06/12/2024

04/12/2024

02/12/2024

28/11/2024

25/11/2024

22/11/2024

20/11/2024

18/11/2024

15/11/2024

13/11/2024

11/11/2024

08/11/2024

06/11/2024

04/11/2024

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share