12/12/2024
Why are so many parents and thereby kids struggling these days? The same reason there are out of control dogs, full shelters, and countless dogs killed EVERY SINGLE DAY. Read it.
Here’s a little story I love. It points out many important aspects of maintaining and building a healthy relationship, regardless of species.
One day my mom was babysitting my niece and nephew, her Grandchildren. My niece, who was probably 9 at the time, was an incredibly smart, precocious, and if needed, manipulative young lady. For some reason she was having an issue with something. (I can’t remember the details.) She was becoming annoyed and frustrated that my mom wouldn’t allow her to have or do something.
They two of them were sitting on the couch together, and as the anger and frustration rose within my niece, she raised her hand in a threatening fashion, letting my mom know she was contemplating slapping her. More than anything, she was checking in. Checking the boundaries. “What might happen if I raise my hand?” “Will this get me what I want?” “Will this woman crumble under the pressure of my threat?” “Will this work?”
Any smart and resourceful creature would be foolish not to attempt the same. If one can get what one wants through threats, intimidation, or actual violence—without fallout or consequence—then why not?
These are crossroads moments. Moments where our kids learn incredibly valuable lessons that will either serve them well...or not.
As the hand came up, the sweet, doting, playful Grandmother, who was just there a moment ago...disappeared.
My mom instantly became “the mom” I was extremely familiarly with. The one I’d been on the receiving end of myself when I’d tried my own versions of youthful monkey business long ago.
With the hand still in the air, and all the facial and body signals necessary to convey the seriousness of my niece’s threat, something miraculous happened, right in front of her eyes. A complete transformation of the being across from her occurred in a millisecond. The sweet, older woman took on a completely different “feel”. Her posture, eye contact and overall appearance all transformed, dramatically.
And two words came from this “new” being’s mouth...
“Try it.”
And thus followed a moment where the world stood still. The hand froze, the mind raced, and the evaluation and decisions were processed at lightening speed.
A moment later, the hand fell — and never rose again. Ever. The moment didn’t escalate. Instead, it deescalated. The tension passed and things relaxed. Pretty soon, the little one and the older woman were back to having a great time.
But a critical moment had transpired. Relationship boundaries had been clearly established. (One leads, one follows.)
Behavioral boundaries had also been clearly established. (Poor choices will not be tolerated.) And perhaps most importantly, a clear understanding that violence, or the threat of it, wouldn’t be a useful tool. At least not with this woman.
I share this as an example of a word you’ve likely heard me use many times. “Believability”. It’s almost always the component owners struggle with the most. Technique, timing, and “doing” training, are all a breeze by comparison. The believability, that’s where the magic is. That’s what fuels all of the above. That’s what gives your technique, timing, and training their power. Without the believability, the rest all fall flat.
Why? Because the creature you’re interacting with is looking at ALL of you. It’s looking much more deeply than just your commands, your timing, and your tools. Those are the surface. This creature wants to know WHO the other creature is who’s asking it to do or not do something...and if they’ve earned that space.
It’s asking the same questions my niece asked. And it’s looking to see the response to those questions.
And if your answer is devoid of believability — aka the delivery system of your training — then you should expect, and deserve, a lot of pushback.
Training, and parenting, isn’t just an intellectual interaction, it’s also an emotional AND primal interaction — if you’re paying attention. Thus learning how to authentically embody and project a believable presence to undergird your training (parenting) is an exercise that requires a full, and adept handle on your emotions and your own inner animal.
Learn how to harness your emotions, learn how to call them up, and learn how to control them — and ensure they’re imbued with primal authenticity. Then you can fuel your dog training (and your child raising), with something believable, and something worthy of respect.
But of course, you first have to be okay with leading. You have to be okay with being the heavy. You have to be okay with feeling strong, firm, and even fierce when necessary. You have to be okay with your dog, child, or grandchild, not being happy — with life or with you — in that moment, in order for them to be happy and healthy in all the following moments of life. And sadly, most owners (and parents) fall apart here, and never get any further.
Thanks for the dog training lesson mom. 🙂
