10/05/2026
Stole this but it is so true.
“How much money do you win at dog shows?”
Oh, sweet summer child. 😂😂😂
I make exactly:
💰 ZERO DOLLARS
🪙 ZERO PENNIES
💵 ZERO CASH
🏦 ZERO CONTRIBUTIONS TO MY RETIREMENT
In fact, WINNING usually means I’m now emotionally obligated to SPEND EVEN MORE MONEY. 🤡
Let’s discuss the financial dumpster fire known as SHOWING DOGS.
First, we need the dogs. Not just any dogs.
✨ SHOW DOGS. ✨ Probably 3 to 6k each.
Everybody needs special food, supplements, grooming products, crates, beds, leads, collars and approximately 87 personal belongings.
Then we need ENTRY FEES. 💸One dog? Fine. 40 bucks a show (7x40....)
Multiple dogs? HA...
Congratulations, you have just electronically transferred your grocery money directly into the atmosphere.
But WAIT.
The show is 6 hours away!
🔥 FIRE UP THE RV. 🔥
Nothing screams “economical hobby” quite like driving a HOUSE down the interstate while getting approximately three gallons to the continental United States. 🚐⛽💀
Fill the RV. Easily a Benjamin or two every 250 miles.
Fill the truck. That baby gets a whole 8mpg!!
Drive 2 hours and Fill it again because apparently we are towing the Pentagon.
Then we arrive.
RV hookup: 💸Parking: 💸Food: 💸Dog food: 💸Bottled Water cuz tap water won't do: 💸Ice and Propane: 💸
Random crap from Walmart because I forgot something: 💸
Vendor tent purchases I absolutely DID NOT NEED: 💸💸💸
Then comes GROOMING.
Why does my dog have shampoo that costs more than mine?!?! Chris?? Chris??
My shampoo: $2.99.
Dog shampoo:
✨ HANDCRAFTED IN THE SWISS ALPS BY MONKS USING ORGANIC UNICORN COLOSTRUM — $74.95 ✨
And naturally we need:
Brushes
Combs
Dryers
Tables
Sprays
Chalk
Towels
Cooling equipment
Fans
Extension cords
Crates
Crate pads
Grooming arms
Leads in 14 colors at 150 a pop cuz we love Kangaroo Leather
At this point I could groom a Clydesdale for the Westminster Kennel Club. 🐴😂
NOW IT’S SHOWTIME.
I wake up at the witching hour, still dark and even the SUN says: “Absolutely not.” 🌚
I’m outside at 5 AM walking dogs in pajama pants, broken flip flops and no bra, while holding a flashlight and begging a my precious to p**p.
PLEASE P**P. 💩🙏🏻
This dog stares at me like:
“I will p**p when the conditions are appropriate.”
YOUR RING TIME IS 8:00.
Then we bathe everybody, groom everybody, load everybody, unload everybody, find the ring, find the armband, find the bait, find the lead…
WHERE IS MY CAFFEINE?! ☕️😵💫
Then I put on nice clothes and pretend I haven’t spent the previous 36 hours looking like a feral campground raccoon. 🦝
INTO THE RING WE GO.
The judge points at my dog.
🏆🏆🏆 WE WON!!!!! 🏆🏆🏆
I’m losing my mind.I am crying, Friends are cheering. Someone is taking pictures.
And my dog is thrilled because someone has chicken.
And then…
THE PRIZE. ✨✨✨ A RIBBON. ✨✨✨
That’s right.
After spending enough money to purchase a respectable used Honda…
I HAVE WON A PIECE OF FABRIC.
😂😂😂😂😂
No cash.No check.No direct deposit.
No giant novelty Gift Card.
Nobody pulls me aside and whispers:
“Congratulations. Here is $12,000.”
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Instead, I immediately spend MORE MONEY on the win photo. 📸💸
Because if I’m going bankrupt, I would at least like professional photographic documentation.
Then somebody says:
“Only 7 more points until the championship!”
And suddenly I’m on InfoDog like:
👁️👄👁️
WHERE’S THE NEXT SHOW?
THAT ONE IS 9 HOURS AWAY?!
PERFECT.
PACK THE RV.🚐💨💨💨
This is how championships happen.
Not through talent alone. Oh no.
They are forged from:
🏆 Dedication
🐶 Beautiful dogs
💪 Training
❤️ Love
⛽ 46,000 gallons of gasoline
💳 Financial irresponsibility
☕ Caffeine
💩 Strategic p**p schedules
🚐 Interstate highways
📸 Expensive photographs
😴 Severe sleep deprivation
💸 And an absolutely breathtaking disregard for your bank balance.
Eventually your dog becomes:
✨🏆 CHAMPION 🏆✨
And you stare proudly at that title thinking:“WE DID IT.”
Then your bank account whispers:
“At what cost, human?”
WE DO NOT DISCUSS THAT. 🤫
Because dog-show math is different from regular math.
$200 dinner?
❌ Absolutely ridiculous.
$200 in dog-show entries?
✅ Basically free.
$400 weekend getaway?
❌ We should save money.
$2,700 weekend chasing a major?
✅ THIS IS IMPORTANT.
New purse?
“I really shouldn't.”
New Lead to match that one outfit?
ADD TO CART IMMEDIATELY.
😂💳🔥
And God forbid somebody says:
“You know you could just have dogs as pets.”
GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. HOW DARE YOU🚪👉🏻
These are not merely pets.
These are beautiful, spoiled, expensive little athletes who travel the country eating premium food while I survive on gas-station coffee and whatever fell between the RV seats. 😂
So when you see me holding a gorgeous ribbon beside my beautiful dog, just know:
🏆 The dog won.❤️ I’m ridiculously proud.📸 We got the picture.💰 I earned ZERO PENNIES.💸 I probably spent several thousand dollars.🚐 The RV needs gas.🐶 Somebody needs to p**p.
📝 And I’ve already entered the next show.
Because this isn’t a hobby.
THIS IS AN OBSESSION
🐶🏆🚐💳🔥😂💸
And I will absolutely see you lunatics at ringside next weekend.
BRING CHICKEN. 🐔🤣
