Kid Empowerment: Smashing ANTs and PET Power Programs

04/20/2020

Calming COVID Chaos: Riding the Wave of Negative Emotions

If you are like most of us:
Since this all got started, you may have been on an emotional rollercoaster. There are times when you are feeling just fine, maybe even good. You had fun playing with the kids, got them to sit down and do their school work and even got them to bed on time! Then, there are the other times. Times when the slightest little thing seems to pluck your last nerve! Nothing seemed to go right. Even something simple like brushing your teeth went horribly wrong when somehow the toothpaste managed to get all over the place and took forever to clean up.

The good news/bad news:
You are not alone! There are plenty of things that can trigger negative emotions. It may be something you heard on the news or a look your spouse/partner gave you. It may be that you are worried about your children’s future. Whatever it is, it changed you from feeling just fine to feeling sad, angry, scared, whatever. It’s natural to have waves of emotion.

NOTE: If you find yourself mainly feeling negative emotions, you may want to seek some professional assistance. If you don’t know who to contact, you can try www.psychologyToday.com, call 911, visit the Disaster Distress Helpline, call 1-800-985-5990, or text TalkWithUs to 66746. HCPSS Coronavirus Mental Health, call 410–313–6202. In a crisis call 410–531–6677 (local) or 211 (statewide). Refer to the end of this blog for additional free resources.

The trick in dealing with negative emotions:
Let them happen. That’s right, I said it. Don’t try to stop or get rid of your negative emotions. Have you ever noticed that the harder you try the worse they get? Besides, they are there for a reason. They are there to help you process what has been going on. They are a clue in the T-FAR process. They help you realize that you are having Thoughts that are not working for you. With that awareness, you can use the T-FAR process to consciously choose thoughts that help you to live the way you would prefer to live, in-line with your values and goals and automatically creating the emotions you want to have. (Click Here for more information and steps to the T-FAR process.)

Riding the WAVE:
So how do you deal with those really strong negative emotions when they hit you like a big wave crashing down on you? Well, there’s a research-based process that does just that. But before I give you the steps, I want to caution you, the process may seem counter-intuitive. You may think to yourself, “This is the opposite of what I should be doing!” Well, the only way to know for sure if this process will or won’t work for you is to try it. That way you can decide for yourself. You may be pleasantly surprised!

Here is the process:
[Note: this process is written with you in mind, not your children.]

As soon as you start to feel the negative emotion, pay attention! If you can, close your eyes. If you can’t, that’s ok too. I just find it easier to do with my eyes closed. Yet, there are times, like when I’m driving my car or in a business meeting where I am not able to do so. The process still works.
Remember to Breathe! Make sure you are taking relaxing breaths throughout this process.
Now focus on the feeling, just the sensations that are going on inside of you. Do this without the intention of the feeling going away. Only with the intention of curiosity and acceptance. Remember the more you try to get rid of the negative feeling, the longer it stays.
Notice everything about the sensations. Try to notice exactly where you are feeling it. What part of your body? What does it feel like? Notice what else is going on inside of your body. Focus on all the sensations that are going on inside of you. Pinpoint them and get absorbed in them.
If you can’t feel the negative feeling anymore, scan your body looking for the uncomfortable feeling. It may be in a different part of your body than when you first started. When you find it, stay with it. Notice everything you can about it. Investigate the feelings. Try to describe what you are feeling. Stay focused on it until it is gone.

It is important to remember that you are neither thinking about nor focusing on the SITUATION that caused the emotional hit because that would be a thought, not a feeling. The only thoughts you are having at this time are the ones about the feeling you are noticing inside your body.
Without feeding the negative feelings with thoughts about the situation, the strong negative emotions will fade away. Believe it or not, the wave of negative emotions will only last for about 20 seconds. Let me repeat this. The negative feeling will only last 20 seconds! That’s it! That is… if you don’t feed it! This is because, without the negative Thought (which is at the beginning of the T-FAR chain-reaction), there can be no negative Feelings, Actions & Results that follow.

This is incredibly valuable and useful information. At least it was for me. It made it so I never had to fear having negative emotions again. I knew if I used this process they would be gone in 20 seconds and I am strong enough to be able to feel a negative emotion for 20 seconds. Now I can just let the negative emotion happen because I know it will fade away.

Emotion vs Logic:
You may have heard the saying WHEN EMOTIONS ARE HIGH, LOGIC IS LOW. When you are full of negative emotions, it is NOT the time to try to logically figure out the causes behind them… Rather, the process above will help you move through the emotions. LATER, when you are feeling fine, you can use T-FAR, (Click Here for more information and steps to the T-FAR process), to help you process the thoughts and beliefs that are causing the negative emotions to show up in the first place. (The same is true when dealing with an emotional child.)

Recap:
When you get an anxious or angering feeling: stop, breathe, close your eyes, and look inward. Feel all the sensations going on inside your body. When you notice that you can’t find any uncomfortable feelings inside of you, you know the uncomfortable feeling has washed away and you can slowly open your eyes and go about your regular business. As soon as you notice that you are starting to feel anxious again, start this process all over again.

Remember:
When things are feeling really bad and there are plenty of good reasons to feel scared:
• Most of the worries you have had in the past never happened. (All you ended up doing was “torturing” yourself for nothing.)
• The few times it did happen, you survived it! I know this because you are still here. You probably even got stronger, learned a few things and became a little wiser.
• You are stronger than what your ANTs want you to think you are!
• Your worrying doesn’t prevent the “bad” stuff from happening. Instead, it creates the Circle of Lousiness! (So, why, not create the Circle of Awesomeness instead!)
• You’ve got this! You have PETs to help you through anything and everything!
(Taken from the “Something to Think About and Remember” paragraph of the COVID Chaos: TFAR, What You Think About Comes About blog post.)

Free Resources/Links:
• CDC’s “Manage Anxiety and Stress” page provides what stress can look like and tips to manage that stress.
• The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has a Guide for parents and caregivers to help families cope with the Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19).
• SAMHSA’s “Coping with Stress during Infectious Disease Outbreaks” page outlines the signs of stress and steps you can take to alleviate stress.

SHARE these tips (LINKS BELOW & ABOVE) with your friends and family, and please include your thoughts and ideas. We’d love to get a conversation going so we can all be a support to one another!

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Warm Regards,
The Amazing Futures Foundation Team
Nancy Sheain, LGPC, NCC
Board-Certified Licensed Professional Counselor
Counseling and Therapy for Individuals and Families
New clients welcome for online sessions
410-707-6288
www.smashingants.com
www.smashingantsonline.com

04/09/2020

COVID Chaos:
What You Think About Comes About

As I was walking my dog, I got to thinking about my thoughts. I noticed that there were times when I was full of hope and optimism, and then there were times when I was feeling blue and a bit pessimistic. I noticed that my positive and negative thoughts came in waves. Out of nowhere, the words, “What you think about, comes about,” came to mind. I don’t know if I heard it from somewhere or not, but it got me thinking, “Is that even a true statement? What does it mean to me?” I know I don’t have control over all that happens, because if I did, I would immediately get rid of COVID-19, restore our economy… So, as it relates to changing anything beyond myself, I know it isn’t true, but does the thought have merit? I think it does. It takes us right back to T-FAR (Thoughts => Feelings – Actions – Results). As I say to the kids in our After-school programs and summer camp, “Our Thoughts are powerful. They can take us FAR in a negative or positive direction. So, what direction do you want to go in? The choice is yours and so are the results!”


A Word of Caution:
We are talking about controlling our thoughts, NOT OUR FEELINGS. Once the negative feelings start, the thought has already happened, so just give the feeling some space, (i.e. let it happen). We can’t control our feelings. When we try to, what we are really doing is suppressing them. They exist even when we try to hide them. (In a future post, I’ll get in more detail as to how you can deal with your feelings.) For now, remember that there is a chain reaction of thoughts, feelings, actions, and results, and those results get filtered into creating more thoughts, feelings, actions, and result, and the chain reaction continues until it either becomes the circle of lousiness or the circle of awesomeness.

The Good News:
At any time, you can stop the negative chain reaction. You can choose to not reAct to your negative Feelings thereby stopping the chain reaction and circumventing the negative results. But you knew this already. I know this because that’s how most people live. They focus on their behavior/Actions. They work very hard at ensuring that they behave appropriately. They work hard at ensuring that their kids behave appropriately. But guess what? There is an easier, more effective way. You could instead, focus on the thing that started it, your Thoughts. You could try to be mindful of your beliefs and your thoughts and whenever you have one that is moving you away from your goals/values/desires, you can choose to stop them. That much, you can control. You can also be in-tune with your Early Warning signal, (EW signal). As soon as you notice that you are feeling in a way that you don’t want to feel, (we call that your EW signal) stop and notice what you are thinking about. Then ask yourself, is there a way to see this differently?” “Is there a way to think about this situation in a way that will cause the Feelings, Actions, and Results that I want to have?” That’s what I believe the saying, “What we think about, comes about” means.
Which circle do I want to be in? Do I want to create a negative self-fulfilling prophecy or a positive one? I can’t control what happens to us, but I can control how I think about what has happened. Throughout our lives, there are going to be things that happen that we like and those that we don’t like. We don’t have a say in those things. No matter how much we don’t want those things to happen and no matter how much we worry that the thing that we don’t want to happen, might happen, all those things are out of our control. What we do have control over is which circle we land in and cycle through. We have a choice to either choose thoughts that create the Circle of Lousiness or we can choose to create the Circle of Awesomeness.
Even when we don’t choose our thoughts and they just automatically happen, (BTW, we call them ANTs, Automatic Non-supportive Thoughts), we do have the ability to be aware of them and decide if we are going to continue thinking that way or decide we are not benefiting from those thoughts and make a conscious decision to choose positive ones instead, (we call them PETs, Positive Empowering Thoughts or ANT Smashers). We do have the power to start paying attention to our thoughts, and as soon as we notice that they are negative or causing us to feel bad, we can take the following steps:
1. Say to ourselves, “STOP!”
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Smile, yes, I said smile. (There is scientific research regarding the positive power of smiling and if you want me to share more about it, let me know and I will explain it in a future blog.)
4. Ask yourself: What Results and/or Feelings do I want to have?
5. Think of thoughts that will create the Feelings, Actions, and Results you want to have.
What’s interesting is that life becomes so much easier when you choose the thoughts that automatically create the FAR you want to have. Then you don’t have to work hard at getting yourself to “behave.” All you have to do is create beliefs that automatically create the T-FAR you want to have… the Circle of Awesomeness! So you can stop “white-knuckling” your FAR!
Something to Think About and Remember:
• Most of the worries you have had in the past never happened. (All you ended up doing was “torturing” yourself for nothing.)
• The few times it did happen, you survived it! I know this because you are still here. You even got stronger from surviving it. You probably learned a few things and became a little wiser.
• You are stronger than you think!
• Your worrying doesn’t prevent the “bad” stuff from happening. Instead, it creates the Circle of Lousiness! (So, why, not create the Circle of Awesomeness instead!)
• You’ve got this! You have PETs to help you through any and everything!

A Very Important Note:
When your child is full of negative emotions, it’s a time to acknowledge and/or empathize with the way they are feeling. (This is different than agreeing with how they are feeling. It’s also different than permitting them to behave inappropriately.) It’s not a time for trying to talk them out of it or telling them not to feel that way. (My next blog will provide you with more specifics in how to help your children with their worries and/or negative emotions.)

An Activity for You (First): Chart Your T-FAR
Let us first acknowledge that this may seem a bit daunting. Just follow the steps one at a time and you will get the hang of it! The T-FAR Chart and process are amazingly helpful tools that you and your children can benefit greatly from. (We've see the "A-ha" moments with the kids at our in-person programs!)
1. List: List your worries.
2. Prioritize: Re-read your worries list and number them in the order of most concerned to least concerned.
3. Choose: Choose your number one, the most concerning for you. Using the Blank T-FAR chart at the bottom of this blog. Follow the steps below.
4. Negative Thoughts: With your number one in mind, use the T-FAR to Chart It! Below you will find a blank T-FAR Chart. Fill in the “bad” section. Refer to Example A – T-FAR – Top Row.
a. You can fill it in, in any order.
b. For example, you could start by filling in your feelings, like “scared, angry, sad”.
c. Next, you might ask yourself, “Why do I feel that way?” Then write your answers in the Thoughts section. You may write, “I am afraid my kids are not learning anything and I can’t get them to sit down and do some schoolwork. I’m so afraid that they may fall behind the other kids in their class!”
d. Continue filling out the Action column, by asking yourself, “If I was thinking this way and feeling this way, how would I behave?” You may write something like “I would be irritable and yell at my kids. I would not have much patience with them. My facial expressions, body language, and tone-of-voice would be negative.”
e. You could finish the row by filling in the Results column. Ask yourself, “If I would think, feel and act that way, what kind of results would I get? You might write something like, “My kids would pick up on my negative body language. They would probably react to my negative emotions and behavior. They would probably misbehave and act-out.”
f. Your children’s behavior would probably get filtered as “see, my kids are not behaving. They are not doing their work. They will fall behind, do poorly in school, not get into a good college and then have a terrible life!” This may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I exaggerate to paint a vivid picture that makes the point. My point is that this one worry has the chance of creating the Circle of Lousiness.
5. Positive Thoughts: Use T-FAR to Chart It! (Refer to Example B – T-FAR – Bottom Row)
a. Read your negative thoughts again.
b. With them in mind, write down positive opposite thoughts in the Thoughts column in the “good thoughts” row. It might be something like, “I have confidence in my family. I know we will get through this with flying colors. We will use this situation as an opportunity to become a closer, stronger family. I am the leader of the family and I will set up a loving, caring and productive environment. I can do some searches on the internet for ideas, if and when I need them!”
c. Continue by filling out the corresponding Feelings, Actions, and Results, based upon these Thoughts. See Example 2 for how this might look.
6. Take a moment to re-read your “positive” row.
7. Allow yourself to feel the positive emotions you feel as you read your words.
8. Notice the smile on your face. Notice the warm glow you feel inside of you. Take that image and feeling with you throughout the day.
9. Remember that you can reread this T-FAR any time you need some inspiration.
10. Tomorrow, take your number 2 worry and do the same.
11. Continue each day with your next worry, until they have all gone through the T-FAR process.
12. Note, you can add to your worry list and re-prioritize as needed.

PRINTABLE T-FAR CHARTS IN PDF ON THE BLOG: https://www.smashingantsonline.com/covid-chaos-what-you-think-about-comes-about/

If you want your children to learn T-FAR: Chart It, you can use the blank T-FAR Chart to do so. You can revise the steps and example to be more specific to your child’s needs. I recommend that you don’t try to teach it until you have used it a few times yourself first. (We will soon be adding T-FAR: Chart It! to the Smashing ANTs Online learning Center, https://www.smashingantsonline.com/product-category/kids-and-families/. That way, if you don’t feel comfortable teaching it to your kids, we can do it for you.)

Warm Regards,
The Amazing Futures Foundation Team
Nancy Sheain, LGPC, NCC
Board-Certified Licensed Professional Counselor
Counseling and Therapy for Individuals and Families
New clients welcome for online sessions
410-707-6288
www.smashingants.com
www.smashingantsonline.com
Amazing Parents, Amazing Kids, Amazing Futures!

PRINTABLE T-FAR CHARTS IN PDF ON THE BLOG: https://www.smashingantsonline.com/covid-chaos-what-you-think-about-comes-about/

03/28/2020

COVID CHAOS:
Five Tips for Turning Chaos Into Calm

Note: Please know that these tips are not meant to belittle the seriousness of the health and economic issues surrounding us. Instead, our goal is to help switch the focus from the things we can’t change to the things we can. We hope it helps!

This article is also availalble on our blog at: https://www.smashingantsonline.com/covid-chaos-five-tips-to-turn-chaos-into-calm/

Tip #1 – Create Positive Brain Chemicals
Smiles, laughter, exercise, dance, music, (like pretending to play musical instruments or playing real ones if you have them), and silliness are ways to create positive brain chemicals. The more you do, the better you feel.

Changing what you (you, as in anyone, including your children) are Thinking about creates positive brain chemicals, too. These chemicals will spread throughout your entire body. When that happens, you will Feel better; that will lead to better Actions; that will lead to better Results. Some of you, especially your children, may remember this as T-FAR! (More on this in future blogs.) Your “T”houghts take you FAR, either in a negative or positive direction. Whatever thoughts you have, the corresponding feelings, actions, and results follow naturally. Only you (as in each individual person) can determine what thoughts you have. As I’m sure you have already discovered, you can’t force your children to have positive thoughts, the best you can do is influence them. You can do so by modeling, creating a positive environment and sharing tools so they can learn it for themselves. The more it comes from within, the better it works.

Tip #2 – Be a Positive Role Model
Please know that your child will remember how they felt about this time much more than they will remember what it was all about. Will they remember feeling scared and miserable or will they remember feeling safe and valued? They will follow your lead. So remember, during these potentially stressful times, compassion, patience, and tenacity is the best gift we can give ourselves and our families.

Tip #3 – Make This a Golden Opportunity
We can, if we choose to, see this situation as a golden opportunity. Instead of constantly being on the move we can see this as an opportunity to slow down and reconnect with those that matter most to us, our families. You could use this time to do wholesome and enjoyable activities, such as reviewing (or learning) valuable Kid Empowerment life skills.

Activity Idea: Start a list of Golden Opportunities! Each member could have their own list and decorate it any way they want or create one big family list and have the family, as a team, plan and decorate it. You could add extra excitement and motivation by creating a contest: try to double the number of entries from the day before or add five new ones each day. Put the list(s) on the refrigerator or somewhere easily accessible and visible as a friendly reminder to focus on the positive/helpful aspect of this difficult situation. See below for an example of a Golden Opportunity Chart.

Tip #4 – Have Fun!
We encourage you to keep things light. It will not only make things better for your children, but it will also help you feel better too. Make time to have fun together. You could play games, learn fun activities, have virtual dance parties, and any other creative ideas you might have. We all need as much laughter and fun as possible. This too creates positive brain chemicals that help us in many ways. Try having them teach you something rather than you always teaching them. When frustrated, smile, take a deep breath and pause. Then, remember why you chose to have kids in the first place. This way, you will be creating those positive brain chemicals that help you be at your best. Remember, kindness is contagious, sprinkle it throughout your family. You are the leader and they will follow your lead.

Activity Idea: Turn the Ordinary into the Extraordinary There are things that you can’t do right now outside of your home, so why not make them happen inside your home? Have a BRAINSTORMING SESSION and write down the things that you want to do. Then tackle the list!

Example 1: “Go” to the movies! Does your family enjoy going to the movies? Work together with your kids to create a make-shift movie theater! Pull the curtains so it’s dark, make “tickets” to “sell”, list the movie choices (assure everyone they will all get a turn to choose a movie). Create a refreshment stand with popcorn served in paper bags. Assign ushers will have to take tickets, etc., and after the movie… don’t forgot the cleanup crew! (Infusing this valuable lesson provides an opportunity for your children to learn and practice while having fun.)

Example 2: Enjoy an evening at home “going out” to eat! You’ll need meal ideas and menus, a chef, (we suggest for safety reasons that a parent be the sous-chef), a dining area set up (with perhaps a special tablecloth & folded napkins – even paper napkins can be folded in fun ways, origami-style!), waiters, bussers, dishwashers… you get the idea. Besides being fun, this could be a really enjoyable way for your children to learn and/or practice the process of project planning and implementation. Then, the next time your child has a long-range project, you’ll be able to refer to this fun time as an example and a reminder as to how to successfully do big projects.

Tip #5 – Sometimes, News Is For Adults Only
This may be a time when the news is for adults only. Some children may not have the capacity to effectively process the information regarding the Coronavirus Pandemic and may be better suited to hear age-appropriate details from you instead.

Be brave, be smart, and stay inwardly in-tune with your best selves. You and your family need it, especially during these trying times!

Warm Regards,
The Amazing Futures Foundation Staff Team
Nancy Sheain, LGPC, NCC
Board-Certified Licensed Professional Counselor
Counseling and Therapy for Individuals and Families
New Clients Welcome - online sessions
Amazing Parents, Amazing Kids, Amazing Futures!

03/27/2020

Covid Chaos: Getting Through These Unexpected Times

Tips to Help You and Your Family Handle Whatever Gets Thrown Your Way:

The whole world seems a bit under the weather, doesn’t it? Here at Amazing Futures Foundation we are very aware that society has entered uncharted waters. The coronavirus and the related recommendations/restrictions have taken us all by surprise. In the midst of all the questions and uncertainty, let’s acknowledge the challenge of managing our own anxiety, as well as that of our families.

You are all in our hearts and we want to support you through these difficult times. To that end, we have created this blog offering tidbits of Kid Empowerment and parenting information. We hope you will find them helpful when dealing with some of the thoughts and emotions surrounding these unusual events.

In addition, please let us know what topics you need support with and we will do our best to share those topics with everyone here. You are more than welcome to share these with friends, neighbors, and relatives as you see fit.

Warm Regards from the Amazing Futures Foundation Team,

Nancy Sheain, LGPC, NCC
Board-Certified Licensed Professional Counselor
Counseling and Therapy for Individuals and Families

11/22/2016

Want a Happy and Memorable Holiday?
6 Tips to Help You and Your Children Make It So!

#1 Get on the Same Page - Level set expectations - Discuss in advance what's allowed and what's NOT allowed. Hold a family discussion and give everyone an opportunity to discuss expectations and desires. Have the children go first. This helps you understand where they're coming from and gives you an opportunity to address items from the can/cannot do list.

#2 Practice - Pretend today is the holiday event - That way you are more apt to be calm and not frustrated when teaching/reinforcing appropriate behaviours, if necessary. Teaching from the heart instead of from anger creates a double win; firstly, the child will be more open to hearing the lesson and secondly, it will reinforce the bond between you and your child. Remember, you are on the same team!

#3 Choose to Create A Loving, Kind Energy - Kids pick up on your energy, so if you are in an emotionally good place, they are more likely to be also. Despite our best intentions, the angst we have over wanting everything to go well sometimes ends up creating the opposite. Don't sweat the small stuff. Remember to breathe and have fun. Choose to go with the flow knowing that, at the end of the day, at least you shared a loving event with your children and extended family no matter if some things went "wrong".

#4 Save the Teaching for Home - If your children misbehave during an event, do what you can to save the teaching moment for later. If it cannot wait, find a private place to talk, so as not to embarrass your child or yourself, or make the other people present feel uncomfortable. Remember, lessons are learned best when taught from a place of calm firmness. Anger and frustration can send a message to the child that either something is wrong with them (the child) or the parent. Don't let the important message you are trying to teach get lost in a lot of negatively charged emotion.

#5 Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean - Follow through with the consequences of behavior - don't just threaten to. Children do better (and feel safer) when they know the boundaries you've set are real. Make this a habit for yourself. Keep in mind, though, that discipline works well with small/short consequences. This helps ensure you will actually follow through without feeling guilty later and changing your mind. Children don't need long, drawn out consequences to choose a different behavior next time. What they DO need is calm, firm consistency and lots of opportunities to show you they can make the right choice.

#6 Thanksgiving is a time of thanks, not a time of regret! Have a happy and joyous holiday!

09/08/2016

Fall 2016 After-School Classes - Registration NOW OPEN!
Go to www.SmashingANTs.com for details and registration links.

09/07/2016

Team spirit at Smashing ANTs!

Friends, Fun & Kid Empowerment!

07/10/2016

There is still a few spots left in Summer Camp program 2016! Sign up before you miss out at www.smashingants.com.

05/24/2016

Come join us tomorrow night, for information about Kid Empowerment Summer Camp. Details
Tuesday May 24th
7 - 8:30 PM
HoCo Library, Miller Branch, Ellicott City

03/23/2016

There are still space available for the Spring After-School program. Checkout the website for details at www.smashingANTs.com.