Rusty & Kyra

14/01/2023

When he's not breaking windows from uncontrollable zoomies, he's perfecting the catch game

Featuring favorite toy from Chewy

21/08/2022

Sunday Mornings with Kyra & Renzo
☕️❤️

5 minutes of peace before they demand breakfast 🤣

Then chaos ensues

29/07/2022

My sweet Rusty
Today is Day 35 since you've been gone

A dear friend shared with me
"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Vicki Harrison

Tonight was the first time I cooked a meal since Rusty passed 5 weeks ago.
Throughout the days there have been so many moments when I wanted to just drown instead of swim.
Thursdays are the toughest to get through.

I've found myself smiling and laughing watching Kyra & Renzo interact and bond. But the happiness and laughter quickly turns to tears as I think of how it was with Rusty & Kyra. So many similarities - moments of deja vu - wishing for more of those memories.

It has been bittersweet watching Kyra turning into a good big sister for Renzo just like Rusty was to her and to so many other fosters we've brought home. She has been the goodest girl since we brought Renzo home 23 days ago. Kyra has taught Renzo how to use the doggie door, to sit for treats, to play, to be ok in the car, and to pose for pictures.

Meanwhile Renzo is graciously bringing all of Kyra's karma back to her - from the constant kisses to the nonstop cuddling and playing. Anything Kyra used to bug Rusty about, Renzo is now returning the favor.

Our home is a little different without Rusty but our love has grown to include an 11 week puppy. We'll always have a place for the dogs that need us just as much as we hold a special space for Rusty. And we'll always hold a special place in our hearts for the ones that will cross the Rainbow Bridge.

13/07/2022

My sweet Rusty – today is Day 19 without you.

Kyra and I went to Senior Paws today to pick up your bed. It was your final resting spot before they carried you away. I collapsed crying in the lobby when they brought it out. I hadn’t seen it since we last laid you on it that morning…0942 Thursday June 23rd forever etched in my mind and heart.

We got home and Kyra immediately laid on it – your scent still present after all this time. The past few nights we’d wake up in the middle of the night and find her missing from the bed. Our hearts broke when we realized she was sleeping by your altar where we’d laid your other bed and blankets. It’s where you still smell the strongest. I miss the special scent you had; I cradle your blankets relishing the faint traces you left behind.

I told myself and Dad that I wouldn’t be ready for another dog for a very long time. Probably not until it was Kyra’s time to join you. It hurt too much thinking about having another fur-baby in the house when I still mourn for you.

But of course, the Universe once again was mocking and testing me.

On Tuesday July 5th, Dad called me saying he needed my help at work. There was a scared stray puppy hiding underneath one of the trucks in the parking lot. At the moment I was just lying in bed crying with Kyra – missing you so terribly.

One week later, amidst the grief, sorrow, and sadness, we now have Renzo Fernando Tran-Fisher, or Renzo for short, in our lives. We didn’t have it in our hearts to surrender him when we found out he wasn’t chipped or collared. He must have been so terrified of the fireworks the night before, the same as you would have been. Who knows if he was always a stray or escaped a neglected backyard. He was found malnourished, mangy, and with skin/ear infections. Thankfully no parasites, parvo, or signs of heartworm. The vet thinks he’s about 8 weeks old, weighing in at 21.6 lbs, and probably a German Shepherd mix, but we’re open to any guesses. He has the most beautiful color and perkiest ears. He even has a spotted tongue just like you did. He reminds me so much of you in terms of your temperament; so sweet, gentle, and intelligent. I cry every time I play with him because I keep wishing it was you. I tell myself that you sent him to us, to take care of us in your place, but I find no comfort nor solace in these empty thoughts.

It’s been a long while since we’ve had a puppy – 9 years since we brought Kyra home. The very thin silver lining is that he’s forcing me out of bed and keeping me busy. He needs me to take care of him and show him love now. Whether or not it was kismet, he’s now part of our family. But he will never ever replace you my sweet boy. You will always be our one and only Rusty.

My sweet Rusty, you were always the perfect dog whenever we fostered a puppy. You were always so patient and kind. We’re slowly introducing Kyra and Renzo but she seems to have no interest. She just sulks about the house and my heart breaks knowing how much she yearns for her cuddle buddy. I hope that they’ll bond soon. She needs a buddy and he needs a role model to show him the ropes. We wish you were here – to help us through this, to help comfort Kyra, to help raise Renzo, to comfort us. We hope you’re at peace and happy wherever you’re at across the Rainbow Bridge. Until we see you again. Don’t forget us because we’ll never forget you.

09/07/2022

My sweet Rusty - today is Day 16 without you. The third weekend without you here to carry on our Saturday traditions of a long morning walk and bed fort cuddles.

The hardest part of your passing is seeing Kyra without you. It was always the Rusty & Kyra show for the past 9 years and now it's just Kyra. You were her big brother and all she ever knew her whole life.

We brought her home and she immediately drew to you. You took on the role as older brother in the best way possible - teaching her, keeping her in line, protecting her, and getting into mischief together. We could never separate you two. Where one went, the other had to follow. Although you would have been plenty happy being the only dog, you welcomed her into our little pack.

On the morning you passed, Kyra was more worried about us and our emotions. Constantly conforting us and not leaving my side. But the next day she realized you weren't here anymore.

She'd sniff your bed, your blanket, and try to find you in the usual spots the first few days. Our home suddenly felt too big and empty. You were always her cuddle buddy and squirrel chasing companion. You can see a sadness in her eyes. We always called Kyra our forever puppy but whether it's our grief or us imagining it - she seems older and different now that you're gone.

Her energy is low, her daily routine turned upside down - I think she knows you're gone my sweet boy. She doesn't go outside hunting for critters anymore. She stopped barking at the delivery and mail people. She is so quiet now - we didn't think that was ever possible for our rambunctious Kyra.

We threw out all the rules now. She lays on the couch and bed with us. I've been sleeping on the bed fort with her because it's the only place I can close my eyes knowing I'm close to your favorite place and altar. The bed fort feels so big without you on your favorite pillow. We still keep your side open out of habit because that was YOUR spot.

We've been giving Kyra a lot of love and attention on your behalf. She'll never have to cuddle alone anymore. We'll look after her the way you did. Nothing could ever replace her buddy but we'll make sure she knows how loved she is.

We miss you so much Rusty. You were our favorite hello. And now our hardest goodbye. Until we see you again my sweet boy.

07/07/2022

My sweet Rusty - Today is Day 13 without you.

You returned home to us today. I thought I would feel a slight sense of comfort but the words 'cremated remains' on the side of the box haunts me beyond belief.

Dad had to open it for me but I still didn't have the strength to reach in and face the inevitable. That you're truly gone.

All I have left of you are your paw prints, your nose print, clippings of your hair.....and your ashes.

I can't run my fingers over your back and belly anymore
I can't scratch you behind your ears, under your chin, on your back leg.
I can't receive your nose boops or face kisses no longer
I won't feel your tail tapping against my feet
I can't embrace you nor comfort you one more time
I can't look into your handsome golden eyes and know deep in my soul how much you loved and was loved

It seems like yesterday you were just here laying next to me, cuddling on the bed fort. All you would need was our presence and you felt safe, loved, protected.

It was just yesterday you were laying in your favorite spot under the sun. You gave me your awkward nose boop kisses. You were gently reminding me it was dinner with your little boofs.

It feels like it was only yesterday because the pain of missing you and the heart ache from your passing feels as if it just happened this morning.

But as I stare at the wooden urn before me, I'm reminded of how long I have cried for the past 13 days....and how much longer I will be for the rest of my life.

My sweet boy, our goodest boy. We miss you. We love you.
..Loving you changed me
Losing you did the same...
Ladybug Art

01/07/2022

My sweet Rusty
Today is Day 8 without you. I woke up to a dreary and rainy morning. The house seems to always be in darkness when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Time seems to be in a perpetual state of confusion lately. You were always my constant. I always knew when it was time to wake up, when to feed you, when you needed to go outside, when you needed me...we were so connected.

You always knew when we were almost home - you'd greet us by the gate or door. You knew when the weather would turn - you'd come to me for comfort. You knew when it was meal time - you'd kindly remind us with your barks. Oh how I miss your woofs. Any time I see a squirrel, cat, delivery truck, or a dog walking down the street from the office window, I keep waiting for your little boofs to alert me. You were always my little protector.

You always knew when dad was coming home. You'd hear him before you could even see his truck turn into the cul de sac. And when he was pulling into the driveway, we'd race to the door to see who could greet him first. You didn't know this but I'd always let you win. Then you'd protect him while he was working out in the garage. We'd set your bed in the driveway so you can be perched on your little throne to inspect the kingdom. We never ever had to worry about you running away. You'd lift your head if something was interesting but you always stayed put. We'd like to think it's because you knew how good you had it with us and you loved us too much to ever run away. You simply loved laying in the sun and that was all you needed to be happy. June 22nd was the last time you got to embrace the sun's warmth. If we knew that was the last time, we'd stay out all afternoon with you.

It's currently wet and rainy. You always hated the rain. We'd have to let you out in the front yard where it was less wet but you'd still acted so posh about it. I'd never met a dog so adamant about keeping their paws so clean and dry. You avoided all the puddles and sprinklers on our walks. When Hurricane Harvey happened, you didn't go outside for 3 days!

Yesterday was 1 week since your passing. It seems like I'm out of tears to cry but the pit of grief, sorrow, and sadness in my chest seems to grow bigger and heavier. My heart still aches so much. I replayed the videos of our last morning together. Of us saying good bye to you. I think you could understand us. Your ears were always so expressive. I miss how much they perked up when we called your name, or said your favorite words - treat, outside, car ride, ready, popcorn.

I miss you my sweet boy. My goodest boy. You crossed the rainbow bridge too soon and too suddenly. I still call out for you. My dear Rusty. Please wait for us. We'll be with you again. We'll find you no matter which life time.

30/06/2022

My sweet Rusty
Today is Day 6 without you.
The days are starting to blur together. Today was the first day I accomplished any thing at work.

A week ago I had hoped to start my 34th birthday off on a positive note, but instead I took you to the vet and found out about your cancer diagnosis just as a barrage of messages came through wishing me a happy birthday and for me to have a great day. I didn't have the strength to tell them otherwise; they didn't know and I was overwhelmed with the news - trying to figure out how to save you.

This past Monday was 1 week since you turned 12(ish). I am still overridden with guilt about not geing able to make your annual birthday cake. I had just come back from the UK and was overwhelmed with work that day. I kept saying to you 'don't worry buddy, I'll make you the biggest cake this weekend.' The weekend came but you werr already gone. You left before I could spoil you one last time. I'm so sorry buddy, momma stupidly put work before you. I should have walked away from my desk and given you all the love and trwats you wanted. I thought I had more time.

All your birthday presents have arrived.

In a cruel twist of fate, your first one arrived the moment the hospice van took you away from us. Just as you left our home for the final time, FedEx drove right up. It was your new outdoor bed from Chewy. You would have loved it - it was bolstered around 3 sides just the way you like your indoor beds. Your other Chewy beds came the next day - extra support cushions for whenever you needed them.

The last one arrived Sunday as we came home after a day of errands with Kyra. I started crying when I realized it was your Jeep Stroller Wagon. We knew you were getting older and walks were getting a little harder so to ease your achy joints we got you the best doggie wagon.

We debated on whether or not to return them as I would cry every time walking past the boxes. In the end, we wanted Kyra to enjoy them in your honor. Soon she'll be the one hanging outside with us once the weather cools and soon her joints will be achy and will need extra TLC on the walks.

Every thing still reminds me of you. Your fur is still on everything - my car, the dryer lint, the baseboards. I can't bring myself to wash your blankets, bandanas, sweaters, or anything you last touched. I hide your bone on your alter because it was the last one we got you.
Every event, every routine, every place has reminded us that it was your last one and we're about to experience it for the first time without you.

The best part about working from home the past 9 years was being able to be with you. The best coworker any one could ask for. I tried to work on Monday but could only stare at the mountain of work before me. The trivials of corporate life seemed even more insignificant. I had consumed my time with this new job - which had taken time and attention away from you. But at least I knew you were always there waiting for me to log off. And now I look over my shoulder and you're no longer there. You were my source of comfort when I had a bad day, my source of joy when I needed to take a break

You were my yoga mat stealing buddy during lunchtime. I can't bring myself to go outside and practice anymore. That was always out time together. You'd always come and kiss me during my practice, or plop yourself at the end of the mat and grumble as to what I was doing in your space. I haven't practiced since last Wednesday and I don't know I'll have the strength to move again.

I keep replaying everything that happened last week. Every little detail - driving myself crazy as to how I could have saved you. How I should have known something was wrong earlier. I would have paid any price to save you. I miss you my sweet boy. Ryan misses you. Kyra misses you. I'm in denial it was your time to go because you had so much love from all us. But if love was enough, you would have lived forever.

28/06/2022

27/06/2022

My sweet Rusty -
Today is Day 3 without you. My insomnia is getting worse each day and the only thing that seems to help at the moment is to write to you - hoping you're hearing us and knowing we miss and love you so much.

Daddy walked you today - he held your leash and collar. You are/were his best friend and he misses you so much. His shop dog, his buddy, his companion. It was a really rough morning for us as we remembered all the places you loved to stop at during the walk. We let Kyra run around the park by the pool in your honor. The grass was wet from the sprinklers - you would have hated it this morning.

The walk back to the house is always the hardest. We have had to create new routines now that you're gone. We used to keep your leash on the bench outside but now we keep it on your alter afterwards where we know it'll be safe.We light the candle afterwards so that it feels like you're still with us.

Today we went looking for a cactus to plant in your honor but the scent of jasmine triggered one of our favorite memories of you. You loved smelling all the jasmine in the neighborhood (and then promptly peeing on it). We'll plant this in our front yard where you loved going with Dad to get the mail.

Afterwards we took Kyra with us to get In-n-Out Burgers today in your honor. You once stole dad's burger right off the kitchen counter and even ate the wrapper. We left it on your altar for you to enjoy sweet boy.

Tonight was supposed to be our family photoshoot. Your new bandanas arrived the day after you passed and I don't have the heart to open the box. I was supposed to go to the dry cleaners that day to get our outfits cleaned and pressed. We were going to all dress up nice for Auntie Emily to take our pictures. We wanted to take you to your favorite park and let you run around to your heart's content.

We miss you so much Rusty. We can't wait until we can see you again.

25/06/2022