Mattis the Broke Mal

05/17/2026

Breaking news.

I, Mattis, have officially accepted a management position at Alley Cat Tattoo after today’s negotiations were finalized in the form of snacks, treats, and excessive public admiration.

Honestly, these ladies made one critical mistake… they paid me in treats.
Now I own 37% of the business and supervise all operations from the front lobby couch.

Today was chaos in the best way possible. Humans voluntarily sat in chairs for hours while getting poked with needles and somehow LEFT HAPPY about it. Weird behavior honestly, but I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs.

Meanwhile, I worked extremely hard:
• Accepted treats from strangers
• Inspected snack quality control
• Made emotional support rounds
• Collected pets from approximately 847 people
• Monitored tattoo safety procedures with my eyeballs
• Boosted morale with my handsome face

And these incredible ladies donated $1,800 to my rescue friends at The Rescue Haven.

Larry Bloom’s final heartworm treatment? COVERED.
Pip’s next surgery? HELPED.
My emotional support snack budget? Thriving.

Small businesses like this deserve all the love because they continuously show up for rescue dogs and the people fighting for them.

Anyway, if you visit the shop moving forward, please understand I am now upper management.
My office hours are:
🦴 Treat inspections: 9am-5pm
🦴 Belly rub evaluations: ongoing
🦴 HR complaints: denied immediately
🦴 Snack tax: mandatory

10/10 experience.
Would absolutely accept bribes again.
— Mattis, Regional Manager of Chaos & Treat Acquisition

Alley Cat Tattoo

05/07/2026

From Mattis:

Mother’s Day is coming.
Your mom does not want another TJ Maxx candle, Karen.
She wants emotional support that sheds aggressively and follows her into the bathroom.
Adopt a dog. Save your family group chat from another useless gift exchange.

— Mattis, Professional Mother Stress Tester
Amy Carroll
The Rescue Haven, Inc.
Mattis the Broke Mal

05/03/2026

Who would’ve thought…

My story started in a city shelter.
Just another dog. Another kennel. Another number.

But I knew.
I wasn’t meant to stay there.

So I put in the work.
Showed up. Locked in. Proved myself every single day.

And then… there she was.

My person.

People like to say she saved me…
But let’s be real for a second—

She needed me just as much as I needed her.

I gave her loyalty.
She gave me a chance.
And together? We built something that nobody could break.

Now I’m out here training, working, staying sharp…
Not because I have to—

But because this life?
This bond?

Yeah… I’m here to stay. 🖤

— Mattis
(From shelter dog to Mom’s right hand.)

02/11/2026

Mattis — 2nd Night Shift (Unhinged Edition):

Me pretending I’m asleep so mom doesn’t assign me burping duty…

I am a Belgian Malinois.
Elite working breed.
Bred for protection, detection, tactical operations.

And yet here I am —
being psychologically dismantled
by a screaming warm ravioli that can’t hold its own butt together.

Every time I blink… it wakes up.
Every time I relax… it leaks.
Every time I accept my fate… another one joins the rotation.

This is not a nursery.
This is a 24-hour dairy factory and I am unpaid middle management.

Send help.
Or snacks.
Preferably snacks.

The Rescue Haven, Inc. Amy Carroll

02/11/2026

Mattis — 2nd Night Shift 😩

Me pretending I’m asleep so mom doesn’t assign me burping duty…

I am a Belgian Malinois.
Elite working breed.
Bred for protection, detection, tactical operations.

And yet here I am —
being psychologically dismantled
by a screaming warm ravioli that can’t hold its own butt together.

Every time I blink… it wakes up.
Every time I relax… it leaks.
Every time I accept my fate… another one joins the rotation.

This is not a nursery.
This is a 24-hour dairy factory and I am unpaid middle management.

Send help.
Or snacks.
Preferably snacks.



The Rescue Haven, Inc.
Amy Carroll

02/04/2026

02/04/2026

“Mom said we’re low on food.
I said absolutely not on my watch.
We ride at dawn.”
— Mattis, Belgian Malinois, Good Boy

🐾💙

02/01/2026

ADDING THIS IMPORTANT PSA 📣🦈👇

And don’t forget — REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR ME, MATTIS, for King of The Arrow Fund’s MardiPaws Party 👑🎭
I’m out here working, transporting screaming puppies, mentoring new foster brothers, conducting crate sanitation seminars, and running morale operations via Dunkin pup cups. This is a CAMPAIGN BUILT ON SERVICE.

Meanwhile…
I’m sure Apollo is just laying around somewhere enjoying his Sunday.
Probably on a couch.
Relaxing.
Not covered in puppy p**p.
Not chauffeuring future chaos goblins.
Just… vibing. 😌🛋️

Some of us grind.
Some of us nap.

Vote wisely. 💅🐾

01/18/2026

🚨🚨🚨 ATTENTION HUMANS. IT IS STILL ME. MATTIS. 🚨🚨🚨
Same dog. Same warning.
Now with an IMPORTANT PATCH NOTE because some of you think you found a loophole.

🧠💡
“Oh but they’re from different litters…”
“Oh but they’re not related…”
“Oh but they’re weeks apart…”

✨ CONGRATS. YOU FOUND A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX. ✨
Spoiler: It’s not a real one.

🐶🐶 HERE IS THE TRUTH:
Getting two puppies at the same time — even from:
• different litters
• different moms
• different rescues
• different states
• different vibes

🚨 IS STILL THE SAME PROBLEM 🚨

They grow up together.
They bond to EACH OTHER.
They skip the “independent confidence” tutorial entirely.

📉 Result:
You didn’t avoid littermate syndrome.
You rebranded it.

💥 WHAT HAPPENS:
• They synchronize chaos
• They ignore humans equally
• They panic if separated
• One becomes dominant, one becomes insecure
• Training turns into a group project no one passes

🧠 Puppy logic:
“We arrived together. We leave together. We scream together.”

🚫 RESCUE PSA FROM THE TRENCHES:
Age + timing = the issue.
NOT genetics.
NOT paperwork.
NOT vibes.

If they are raised side-by-side during critical development stages—
💣 BOOM. SAME PROBLEM.

🐾 MATTIS’ FINAL, FINAL JUDGMENT:
You didn’t hack the system.
The system hacked YOU.

Two puppies at once =
❌ not cute
❌ not smart
❌ not “saving one more”

✔ chaos
✔ burnout
✔ behavioral fallout

Adopt one.
Train one.
Wait.
Then maybe—MAYBE—get another.

— Mattis
Destroyer of Loopholes
Finder of Fake Glitches







P.S This is the face I make when people tell me they got 2 siblings for their kids at Christmas…

01/14/2026

Hi. It’s me. Mattis.
Today I’m talking about my people — Trudy and my tiniest baby, Biggie Smalls.

First—Trudy.
She’s small but spicy. A little pistol, honestly. She’s got some things going on and is going to need surgery for a couple of hernias. Don’t worry though — I will be personally supervising. Dr. Emily is very smart, but even smart humans can benefit from an extra supervisor. Also, her vet techs and assistants could use a little Malinois training. Structure. Eye contact. Accountability. You’re welcome.

Trudy is tough, opinionated, and absolutely my kind of girl. She’s got a fight in her, and we’re not done yet.

Now… Biggie Smalls.
She was the tiniest bottle baby. So little she fit in my heart real fast. She tried so hard. I stayed with her. I was brave for her. When it was time, I didn’t leave. I gave her a small kiss and told her it was okay to go. I stayed with her as she crossed the Rainbow Bridge so she wouldn’t be scared or alone.

Biggie is running now — with my sister Albany — in a place where there are no more seizures, no pain, just peace and sunshine and endless love.

Sometimes my job isn’t chaos.
Sometimes my job is love.
And yesterday, that was enough.

Run free, little Biggie.
You were loved big. 🌈🐾