27/10/2026
How to build a good relationship with your horse (that’s good for your horse too) 🐴
More and more people are interested in developing positive relationships with their horses, we are moving away from only caring about what a horse can do for us and moving further towards wanting them to have a good experience too.
There are countless methods that now use this heavily in their marketing “build a bond with your horse in 4 weeks”, “teach your horse to manage their emotions”, “beginner’s guide to true connection”, if you can’t tell I made those up, but if they are the actual names of anyone’s training courses I am sorry that was not intentional.
Every time I look at the content within these courses I see horses taken into training spaces and coerced to move their bodies in various ways with pressure. Maybe with a flag, maybe with a stick, maybe with a rope, maybe with treats on top. Maybe we’ll describe coercing a posture as helping a horse to feel better if only we can struggle through a bit and show him that we know best.
We as humans love to feel like we’re achieving, we love certainty, we want steps 1 through to 10 so we can measure our perceived success. If I drill these steps exactly as I’m told then I am guaranteed to be the best at having a good relationship with my horse. I definitely used to feel like this.
Now I think about things differently, I really try to see from the horse’s point of view, even if that is uncomfortable for me. I don’t see how any horse’s idea of a good time could be to be taken into a training space and hassled with pressure to move their feet, or move their bodies in specific ways, just because the human wants them to do so. At best that seems incredibly boring, at worst that could be unpleasant, stressful and even scary. You can absolutely achieve obedience like this, but positive associations with people? I don’t see how.
If you want to build a good relationship with your horse, that is good for your horse too, you have to become a predictor of pleasant things happening. You have to spend time with your horse while he is doing things he enjoys. If the only time your horse sees you, you take him away from his friends and make him work in the arena, then he’s probably not going to feel great about you.
I’m going to tell you a client story about a lovely lady who was feeling lost as she felt her horse, lets call him Ted, no longer liked her. She had provided him with 24/7 turnout in a settled herd, he had a bespoke nutrition plan, regular physio, she spent a long time grooming him every day and she dedicatedly followed a groundwork program as she was told this was the best way to build a connection with him and keep his body supple.
She contacted me because she just felt he no longer liked her and she was finding it upsetting. He would always initially walk away from her when she went to catch him, nothing dramatic but he would rather not engage with her. He would plant on the way in from the field if she wasn’t carrying her flag and he just seemed disinterested in anything except going back out with his friends.
The groundwork she had been taught to do with him involved him moving his feet in all directions from pressure of the flag, they were very good at this and Ted responded to the lightest ask. We had a chat about how there wasn’t really anything pleasant in this for him and I wondered what other things they did together that she thought Ted enjoyed. She told me that she spent lots of time grooming him every day, so I asked if she thought Ted enjoyed this. She paused, then said, “well he just stands there tied up, he doesn’t pull faces but I don’t know?”
I think these assessments of the time we spend with our horses can be uncomfortable but important to explore if we truly want to have a good relationship with them. There are so many things that we just think are pleasant for horses by default because we’ve been told they are and our intentions are good, grooming, massage, scratches, stroking, groundwork, going for walks etc, but depending on the horse and the context, they can find these things deeply unpleasant, then we become associated with unpleasant things.
When observing Ted I got the impression he was quite shut down, and by that I mean he didn’t think it was worth communicating how he was feeling, he just did as he was told. His two small communications, initially walking away when she tried to catch him and planting on the way in, were ignored, so he didn’t bother any further to avoid further hassle.
We looked at how we could start to change things by involving his owner in things Ted already enjoyed and slowly expanding his comfort zone so we could replace his negative associations with new positive ones. His owner started to spend time in the field just hanging out without trying to catch him or touch him, just sharing space together with no expectations. When she did catch him she would bring him just outside the gate and give him his feed and pick his hooves then put him right back out. We gradually moved the bucket further away until he was happily walking all the way into the yard for his feed, no planting.
We also started looking at touch and grooming with Ted loose so he could walk away, so many horses don’t think they’re allowed to express their feelings even when they’re not restrained, so we have to teach them they’re allowed to do so. This is especially important when we want to know if our horse is sore or in pain, I want them to feel they can tell me.
Once Ted was happily coming in we started adding in enrichment activities both on the yard and eventually in the arena. We can use these to create all sorts of movement opportunities to both improve posture and mobility in our horses. Ted’s owner completely stopped with her flag groundwork as she realised he was finding it unpleasant and it wasn’t adding anything to their relationship.
Ted now comes to call and his owner feels like she has a relationship with her horse again. They are enjoying their enrichment activities and learning the foundations of clicker training together whilst they continue hacking out with their friends a few times a week.
Building good relationships with our horses looks nothing like conventional training, it requires assessing your individual horse and the environment you share. Then spending time building pleasant experiences together where they’re comfortable and giving them the agency to make some choices. Only then can we truly earn their trust and have them feel safe around us, rather than the conventional way of judging their blind obedience as a sign of good bond.
What activities do you do with your horse that are purely for your horse's enjoyment? 🐴