30/12/2025
From Casey and Ringo’s humans.. you really need to read this…!!!!!
“Here’s an entry for you… my dogs broke.
Do these 2 idiots look sorry for themselves? Well. Let me talk you through the last 36 hours.
We went to hockey on Sunday evening. Amazon had delivered some fish food before we left. It was in thick plastic bags inside a cardboard box, so we left it on the table by the front door. 2kg of fish food at £25 (yes, fish are more expensive than you’d think).
We opened the door to be greeted by only one dog. Always a bad sign. At that point, a stench of 1000 s**ts hit us, temporarily knocking us backwards. The devastation that happened inside our house over the next 36 hours was synonymous with a version of Dorothy’s tornado that would only be available on the dark web.
The box of fish food was ripped to shreds. Fish food pellets were so spread out around the house that I’ll be finding those little suckers much longer than the glitter from my 2020 Xmas card. For those who don’t know sturgeon fish food comes in the form of little black pellets, meaning that my house looked like the Pied Piper had encouraged all the rats off the streets and to my house for the s**t party to end all s**t parties. That was only the tip of the iceberg.
The dogs had clearly hit the fish food jackpot by mauling the cardboard box, then developing enough opposable thumb style use from their paws to open 2 bags of fish food. Gorging themselves and flicking food around like the canine version of a kid experiencing the desert bar at Zaza Bazaar for the first time.
At that point the main culprit decided to show herself, ears pinned backwards and refusing to make eye contact. As much as she didn’t want to navigate the stairs, she also was clearly regretting her life choices and was waddling like a dog version of John Wayne, Farting and peeling the wall paper off the walls with every step.
Now, I’ve worked in prisons, I’ve experienced dirty protests before. All I can think is that while we were out, the dog (s) took lessons from Jackson Po***ck and decided it was time to redecorate the bathroom. A human dirty protest can make you lose your lunch. A dog or two with aspirations to become dogfish can make you never want to eat again.
We booted the dogs outside, dug out the Hazmat suits and started cleaning up. After we’d cleaned we weighed the food left. 250g. They’d eaten 1.75kg of fish food. ‘Well that was s**t’ we thought, clutching each other and muttering about counselling for dog owners. If only we’d known then what we know now, we’d probably have left home at that point, happily closing the door and waving goodbye to all our belongings.
Just as we’d started to recover from the shock, the vomit started. Now, most of our floors downstairs are hard (easily cleaned) surfaces. I’m going to let you guess whether my newly developed vomit machine was kind enough to choose these surfaces. By the time we went to bed that night, she’d thrown up and shat herself so much that she really should have been just skin and bone.
The problem is, dogs don’t really understand vomiting. While she at least tried to get to the door to s**t (I’ll never be able to look at Mr Whippy in the same way again), she was pretty freaked out by the vomiting and each time, looked at ME accusingly as if I was causing this unpleasant thing to happen to her! The doggy side eye as it voms on your carpet is really quite insulting. Having decided it was our fault she was throwing up, she then started running away from us and finding more and more cryptic places to hide around the house. Meaning that we were forced into playing canine hide, seek & vomit. Trust me, it’s no way near as fun as rock paper scissors, and vomit wins every time.
The entire next day, culprit 1 swung between drinking water as though her life depended on it, vomiting, s**tting or scaring herself with her own farts. Culprit 2 looked fairly smug, except for the odd stomach growl. They’re now in some kind of post fish food hangover, coming down off their fishy high and regretting choosing the marine life. I’m guessing they’re also wondering what the canine version of a can of tango and a packet of cheesy wotsits is.
We have cleared up more dog s**t and vomit than I thought was humanly possible. I fear that our olfactory senses will never be the same again. The carpets certainly won’t. Yet, if the opportunity of 2kg of fish food were to present itself again, would they do the same??? Of course they would.
