21/01/2025
🖤💜 Darkness 🖤💜
We are taking a detour this evening, and I will continue the wellness side of things over the remainder of the week, but for tonight I was called to go in a different direction.
A direction I can no longer ignore and one that I am being pulled into that much more, and as the energies continue to shift, I am taking a leap.
🖤💜🖤💜🖤
There is nothing like coming to the realisation in healing that the deepest wounds and trauma that you carry come from those that were meant to love and protect you more then any others, just like it feels like you take a brick to the head when you realise that you have been in a relationship with a narcissist since you were born.
It hits even harder when you realise that you cannot fully release those lessons, those generational curses that are deeply ingrained on your psyche and soul. when you still sub-consciously seek the approval from that person. Because you carry that fear of disapproval and judgement not necessarily from them but of others.
🖤💜🖤💜🖤
You are moulded from the beginning.
Learning how to read energies to make sure you don’t fall into a trap, being safer out the house and never understanding why, learning the differences in footsteps, the unspoken words, the disapproving looks.
You disassociate and/or dream to create spaces for yourself that become an escape, a reprieve from the uncertainties in the environment because none of it makes sense.
How can it make sense to a child.
One minute you are loved beyond all limits and in the next breath you have no idea what you did wrong.
You become a chameleon with so many masks that you no longer know who you truly are, you people please, you blend in and put yourself last.
All whilst the continuing toxicity builds and adds further layers to the shields you create around yourself to create a sense of safety, you let no one in because trust is a foreign entity entirely.
Hyper-independence becomes your refuge until it becomes your biggest hurdle.
You become a master at knowing when to smile, when to laugh, when to speak and when to remain silent. You bury the anger, the rage into the depths of yourself because such emotion is frowned upon.
You become the master at hiding the sadness. That’s kept for the cover and shadows of the night.
But internally you feel completely numb.
Then the spiral hits.
The ways of coping become darker as you get older, more dangerous because you look for anything to feel something. To feel alive.
The scars remain etched on your soul whether mentally or physically, they become part of you. Some that we keep hidden because of the judgement we expect from others, but they become part of our story.
We shut down further or spiral out completely in the opposite direction.
They say they have no idea why you have become so withdrawn, so out of control. You are blamed further for your own spiralling. Or it’s swept under the carpet completely. You become the scape goat or the golden child to the black sheep.
As the picture to the outside world has to be perfect, not a single crack to show.
But the gaslighting, the love bombing, the disappointment, the manipulation, the underhanded tactics become more prominent, until one day a snippet of information lands in your lap and the whole picture changes.
It suddenly makes sense. It hits you like a freight train.
The guilt and self hatred hits that bit deeper.
How could you not see it, how could it be missed, why did you let it continue for so long….
Somewhere along the way you decide to fight to live. You make a conscious decision that only you can make and you fight to live. You think and feel that the hardest part is behind you, but in reality the true fight now begins.
You are vilified, you will never gain closure or apologies as it never happened.
And only then does the true healing begin. No it doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t happen overnight, it’s dark. It’s grungy. And it brings with it pain, emotions that were buried.
The anger and rage are unleashed and you have no idea why everything feels so heavy. You hit rock bottom as your body catches up and in the ashes, the puzzle starts to piece together.
You grieve for everything you lost, you grieve for the childhood you, the teenage you, the person you had to become and who you have to surrender to grow into the person you are becoming.
You find strength that you didn’t know was possible to keep going or if your lucky someone or a certain animal lands on your path to give you a purpose, to tether you here through this process.
You forgive but not for acceptance, you do this for your peace, for your energy and for your own healing.
Then comes the hardest lessons of all.
You have to learn to actually live again. Properly live.
How to trust, how to love and how to fully accept yourself, as through it all, only one person truly understands the depths of the darkness you have survived and that person is yourself.
You pull yourself back into unity and balance within yourself and that right there is a strength no one can ever take away from you.
🖤💜🖤💜🖤
