06/17/2026
🐾 THINGS DOG GROOMERS HEAR EVERY DAY 🐾
When I ask, "What kind of haircut would you like today?" here are some of my favorite answers:
✂️ "I don't know... whatever looks best."
(Groomer's choice it is!)
✂️ "Short, but not too short."
(Clear as mud.)
✂️ "Just a regular doodle cut."
(There are approximately 4,782 versions of a doodle cut.)
✂️ "I like to keep him long."
(Then why are we standing here discussing a haircut?)
✂️ "Just don't make him look like a poodle."
(Says the owner of a Goldendoodle.)
✂️ "Can you leave the eyelashes?"
(On a dog whose bangs are covering both eyes.)
✂️ "Just a trim."
(Owner points to a dog that hasn't seen a brush since last Christmas.)
✂️ "I want him fluffy."
(But also short. And low maintenance. And no brushing.)
✂️ "Can you make him look younger?"
(Sure, let me find my magic wand.)
✂️ "Just do what you did last time."
(Me frantically trying to remember which of the 1,000 fluffy white dogs is yours.)
✂️ "I brushed him this morning."
(The brush has apparently never met the undercoat.)
✂️ "Take off whatever you need to."
(Three hours later: "Wow, that's shorter than I expected.")
✂️ "Leave the beard."
(Dog immediately uses beard as a portable food storage unit.)
✂️ "Can you make him stop shedding?"
(If I could do that, I'd be retired on a beach somewhere.)
✂️ "Can you make him look like the picture?"
(Picture is a completely different breed.)
✂️ "I want a teddy bear cut."
(Every groomer quietly wonders which teddy bear we're talking about.)
✂️ "He's usually really good for grooming."
(Dog enters the salon and immediately chooses violence.)
✂️ "He doesn't bite."
(Dog: "Allow me to introduce myself.")
✂️ "Just shave out the mats and leave the rest long."
(That's not exactly how that works...)
✂️ "Can you make him fluffy without brushing him?"
(Sure, and while I'm at it I'll teach him to do his own taxes.)
✂️ "I don't want him shaved, but if he's matted just do what you have to do."
(The groomer's least favorite contradiction.)
✂️ "His hair grows back differently when you shave him."
(Usually said about a doodle.)
✂️ "Can you make him look exactly the same, just shorter?"
(Yes... maybe... sort of...)
✂️ "Can you get rid of the tear stains?"
(If only it were that easy.)
✂️ "Can you trim his nails without trimming his nails?"
(I'm still trying to figure that one out.)
✂️ "Can you make him look like a puppy again?"
(Only if you've got a time machine.)
✂️ "I want him short enough that I don't have to brush him, but fluffy enough that he still looks cute."
(The impossible dream.)
✂️ "He hates having his face done."
(So naturally, let's leave the face until the very end.)
✂️ "He got matted overnight."
(Amazing. It's a grooming mystery.)
✂️ "We brush him all the time."
(Groomer finds a second dog hidden inside the undercoat.)
And my personal favorite:
✂️ "Just don't make him look like a poodle."
🐩
Owner: Goldendoodle.
Dog: 50% Poodle.
Groomer: 😐
🤣🤣🤣 ❤️dogs