12/03/2023
The grief of the loss of a companion is real, a story beautifully told 🐾🐾❤️
I was making mashed potatoes to put on top of the shepherds pie my daughter had requested. Balancing mashing them while listening to voicemails and writing down numbers to call back when I was done with this.
The potatoes were smooth and perfect, just like Grace likes. I poured the beef mixture into the bottom of the glass dish, then, using a large spoon and a fork to fluff them, I scooped the potatoes and started putting them on top of the beef. The smell is familiar back to my childhood, and the motions and movements are so practiced I really don’t have to think. I’m just scooping and spreading them fluffing them so they’ll get nice and golden under the broil.
I’m just about done when a large glob of potato escapes from the spoon and falls to the kitchen floor. Splat. I stare down at it and instinctively, without thinking, I yell -
“Paddington!”
The house is quiet. The dogs are outside playing and I’m in here alone. I stare at the potato on the floor and a wave hits me and I feel like I need to sit down.
I put the spoon and the fork down, grab a paper towel, and wipe the potato off the floor, placing it carefully into the trash can.
You would have loved that surprise. My cooking mistakes were your winning lottery tickets. It became a team effort when I cooked because I never had to do floor clean up, even bits of frozen vegetables that happened to spill from the freezer bag, you would dutifully eat for me.
I finish the potatoes, I put the pie into the oven and all the dishes in the sink. I can hear the kids upstairs and I know they will be down soon. The dogs need to come in. The cat is meowing at my feet, I think he knows something is wrong. I’m moving slowly.
I sit down at the kitchen table. And I look at the room. I reach my hand out the way I always would and you’d bump your whole head under it and wiggle in close. But this time all there is is air. I take a gulp of air and try hard to force it back down where it comes from, but it will not be persuaded this time, I feel it in my eyes and my throat and it rises like another huge wave. It crashes over me.
And I cry for you.
