06/08/2025
It probably looks like Iโve gone into winter hibernation, once again.
And, to be fair, thatโs not entirely wrong .
Iโve been quiet over the last few weeks.
Horses have a way of keeping us humble ๐ซฃ
The truth is, the journey back into the saddle since having kids has been the ultimate emotional and physical rollercoaster.
When I first started easing back in, I didnโt have a steady horse of my own. What I did have was access to was a lot of beautiful horses. All unbroken to saddle, big-moving, off-the-track standardbreds.
Incredible animals, but a feat for even the most balanced and confident rider to bring along from scratch.
Recently, I had a moment of realisation thatโs been building for a while: my involvement with horses is a paradox.
On one hand, Iโm Raising the Standards: someone known in the broader standardbred community as a guide and educator.
There are students all over the world who turn to me for direction and reassurance. Accessing my online courses and trusting me to help them through this journey.
On the other hand, Iโm a woman.
A mother who went through two very difficult pregnancies and two emergency caesareans. Left with a string of complications, compromised core strength and confidence at an all-time low.
Getting back into the saddle was never going to be easy.
I knew from the start of my โrestartโ that this wasnโt a journey I wanted to go through on a green horse. Doing this would feel unfair on both the horse and me.
But, as fate would have it, through a series of setbacks and heartbreaking disappointments with other horses, I've found myself left doing it with Dan.
For context, Dan is a 16.2hh+, massive-moving retired pacer who raced until he was nearly 8. A kind-but-defensive type, Dan grows an extra 5hh and summons the bravdo of a t-rex on assault when heโs adrenalised. And EVERYTHING new seems to offend him and spark a reaction... 'NO, I CAN'T!!!...Oh...wait... I actually can...nevermind' ๐คญ
Swinging into the saddle onto this big, complicated boy whilst I have limited balance, strength, coordination and mental muscle memory that doesnโt always reach my body, has been confronting and ego-crushing to say the least.
At first, I approached Danโs retraining with a plan to film and document everything. To use him as a model for Raising the Standards. Itโs been a while since Iโve had a consistent horse to take through the process and it seemed to make sense.
But, Iโve come to realise that trying to turn this journey into educational content right now Is doing a disservice to myself. And, more importantly, Dan.
Setting up cameras.
Feeling watched.
Trying to present something clean and structured whilst quietly wrestling with fear and overwhelm.
Coupled with the loss of identity from the lingering memory of the rider I once was (a vision so far in the rearview mirror I can no longer even relate to that person).... Well, it all became too much.
So, about a week ago I made a decision: no more filming.
No more forcing it into a neat โteachableโ moment.
Just ride.
Just move forward.
Stop waiting to be ready.
Do the thing.
Because the truth is: Dan and I deserve progress.
And my own excuses have been holding us both back.
Iโm really happy to say that, since my epiphany, I've worked with Dan every single day over the past week.
Yesterday, we tackled his enormous, bouncy trot - something I didnโt think I would even dare attempt for a very long time.
Was it ugly?
Absolutely!
Was I rolling around in the saddle like a spud?
You bet!
Any footage?
Not a single frame.
But, did we do it?
YES ๐ฅน
Did I finish the ride with tears in my eyes and a face-splitting grin?
Also yes.
And thatโs what itโs all about ๐ซถ
So, I might stay quiet for a little while longer.
I might not be updating course content yet, nor jumping online with my usual energy.
But, progress is progress.
And with every ride and every workout, Iโm getting closer to feeling strong again.
Closer to the version of me who once felt at home in the saddle.
Closer to the day I can bring you all into the process properly.
For now, itโs just me and Dan.
Flappinโ around.
Finding our rhythm.
Doing hard things.
Trying our best.
Putting one hoof in front of the other, as we stride, slowly but surely, towards our dreams โจ